With a Little Help
by Jules Hawk
Summary: They have been kept apart by space, time and even death but their feelings for each other haven't changed.  Set between ME2 and into ME3 and the coming together of Shepard and Alenko with a little help from unexpected sources.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know some lucky people are already playing ME3 and have already seen the interaction between Shepard and Alenko but I had some thoughts on how they could come together. Please let me know what you think and I hope you enjoy it.**

Bioware owns all - I'm just playing in their universe.

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><p>EDI was worried; at least that's what she thought it was. According to every definition she could find that was exactly what she was feeling. This was all new, these strange sensations that she'd had since Joker had freed her from the imposed restraints. Even thinking of him as Joker was new, it was always Mr Moreau before.<p>

But that wasn't what was worrying her. Commander Shepard was the problem. After her last assignment, one she did alone which was also worrying, she had locked herself in her quarters and sobbed herself to sleep. EDI observed her now, curled in a foetal position, holding the picture of Kaidan Alenko tightly to her chest. She was asleep but it wasn't a gentle or quiet sleep. Shepard was obviously dreaming.

Unsure of what to do, whether she should do anything EDI recalled everything she had seen, heard and been involved in since Shepard had taken over the Normandy. She read and reread mission records, messages, conversations and any other information pertaining to Shepard and the crew of the Normandy.

In the space of seconds EDI realised that this last mission was different, Admiral Hackett had put Shepard in a position of having to make heartbreaking decisions that were now tearing her apart, he had sent her into a situation where she could have died - again. The fact that a complete solar system had been destroyed and thousands of Batarians had died didn't concern EDI as much as what it had done to Shepard.

Hackett had sent her out there, in fact Hackett had sent her on several assignments where she had nearly been killed or lost her ground crew. EDI found herself disliking Admiral Hackett. She had been listening during the conversation in medbay after the assignment and she knew Shepard would go to Earth to face the consequences of what Hackett had forced her to do. It was who she was and Hackett knew it.

'Jeff,' EDI's holographic orb appeared on the bridge.

'Yes EDI,' Joker was carrying out final checks before the order to head somewhere came through.

'Is it wrong to expel someone out an airlock if they hurt someone you care about?'

_Whoa_, Joker was a little taken aback. He knew EDI was still coming to terms with the new sensations, feelings of sorts that she had been opened up to. She was like a child learning morals and ethics so careful wording was a must.

'What's wrong EDI,' He stopped what he was doing and turned to look at her. Was she a darker colour than normal?

An image flicked up on his terminal of Commander Shepard in her quarters. Joker stared at the woman lying curled up on the bed, her eyes red and swollen, hugging what he knew was an image of Kaidan. It scared him. Shepard was always the strong warrior with broad shoulders ready to face anything. This was not her. This woman was broken and desolate. He could see from the way she shivered and jerked that she was dreaming.

'EDI, I'm going to ask you something that I shouldn't,' Jeff looked long and hard at the image before him then flicked it off. 'What happened on her last assignment?"

Shepard's last assignment had been top secret, no-one knew why she had gone only that she had been ordered to, and gone alone. It was an Alliance mission – strange considering they condemned her for working for Cerberus, even when she wasn't. She had been a mess when she came back on board, physically and emotionally. It had been even stranger when Admiral Hackett came on board and spent some time in the medbay with Shepard before leaving again.

EDI didn't hesitate, she played the conversation from the medbay through Joker's console, softly so only he could hear it. He went white as he listened and his hands started to shake, whether that was from anger or fear he couldn't say. He had been an Alliance soldier for most of his life, until Shepard died and they accused him and others of lying, blamed Shepard for spreading rumours, trying to frighten people. He had never trusted the Alliance since and now he had a reason to hate them. He could understand EDI wanting to expel Hackett out the airlock.

'EDI this stays between us,' he glanced at the orb glowing to his left.

'Of course, Jeff,' EDI said softly. 'Can you answer my question now?'

He sighed and spoke slowly, 'No it is not wrong to want to throw someone out the airlock but it is wrong to actually do it. Can you understand that?'

'Yes Jeff,' EDI went quiet for a moment. 'Who is Kaidan?' EDI knew he was someone from Shepard's past but understanding relationships was still confusing for her.

'Shepard loved, still loves Kaidan,' Joker smiled as he remembered them trying to hide what they felt, not very successfully. 'If Shepard hadn't died they may well have married.'

'But she is alive now, why did he not come back with her from Horizon? Does he still love her?'

Damn this was hard, Joker wanted to make sure EDI understood the dynamics of human relationships. How did you explain the loss you feel when someone dies to a child, it was hard enough as an adult, especially when you felt responsible for that death. He still blamed himself sometimes even though Shepard had made it quite clear she didn't.

'When she died so did he, not physically but emotionally he closed off, shut down. He blamed himself for leaving her, for her dying.' Joker took a deep breath, he knew that feeling well. 'He went on missions that could have seen him killed, I think that might have been what he wanted so he didn't have to live without her.

When he found out she was alive he couldn't believe that she had died, it wasn't possible for someone to come back to life. He couldn't accept it so he accused her of things he knew deep down weren't true but he was hurting all over again. And the fact that she was working with Cerberus was hard to come to terms with. It opened up all the emotions he had closed off. He lashed out because he obviously still loves her.'

'So the message he sent her was an apology,' EDI seemed to be thinking out loud.

'He sent her a message?' Joker frowned. Before he could continue the message appeared on his screen – 'Re Horizon'. Joker knew he shouldn't but he read it anyway. 'Yes I guess it is an apology of sorts. A way out as Kaidan used to say, always leave a way out.' Joker couldn't stop the tears that formed behind his eyes. Kaidan had been his friend, he had never blamed him for Shepard's death either even though Joker had tried his best to make him yell and shout at Joker for being so stubborn, for being responsible. They both knew that Shepard would not have done anything differently – she would have died for any of her crew, it was just bad luck that she died for him.

'Jeff, are you alright?' EDI sounded genuinely concerned.

'Just memories EDI,' He sighed and pulled himself up in his seat. 'She went looking for him when she came back, before Horizon, but Anderson stonewalled her. The Illusive Man told her he couldn't find him but I doubt he even tried. He didn't want her looking for her past when he'd brought her back to protect the future.'

Someone else to throw out an airlock, they both thought at the same time. Joker hadn't thought about it much until now but if she had found him earlier and been able to explain would things have been different. He liked to believe they would have been. Two people in love like they were could have worked through everything, if they'd been given the chance.

'I'm curious EDI,' Joker was pushing the boundaries but he needed to know, 'Did she respond?"

'She wrote several messages and recorded several vids but never sent them.'

'Maybe she should have,' Joker sighed. 'Is she still asleep?'

The image of Shepard tossing on her bed and crying out broke Joker's heart. 'EDI, take the helm and unlock her door.'

'Yes Jeff.'

Joker climbed out of his chair and made his way to Shepard's quarters. He knew he had no right to do it but she needed to not be alone. He found her sobbing in her sleep, fighting someone or something. As risky as it was he lay down on the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms, covering them both with a blanket. He held her tight as she struggled with whatever demons haunted her and eventually she stopped fighting and simply sobbed into his chest. After a while she seemed to drop into a more relaxed sleep and Joker held her softly while she slept.

EDI had other ideas, while Joker dealt with the physical side of Shepard EDI did something that had she been human would have been completely unethical.


	2. Chapter 2

The sound of his omnitool beeping slowly dragged Kaidan back into the world. Whoever was calling was about to get an earful. He had only been back on Earth for a few hours and needed to catch up on some long neglected sleep. He was pretty much exhausted from the last three missions to backwater planets wiping out the odd pocket of Geth or Mercs and trying to ready the populations for a Reaper invasion that the Alliance had finally accepted was inevitable.

He reached over to see who was responsible for spoiling his day but there was no name or ID on the caller. With a frown he sat up and looked at the message.

_Turn on your vid screen_

'What the…' he wasn't awake enough for this but he turned on the small vid screen on his wall, whoever it was would have to put up with seeing him ruffled from sleep.

'Project Lazarus,' the voice on the screen said, 'Subject Karra Shepard."

Kaidan was dumbfounded as he watched the images appear on the screen, images of a torn, broken body that had once been a woman he loved and the only way he knew that was from the dog tags pretty much melted into what had been her chest. He dashed out of bed, ran for the bathroom and retched. He was thankful he had not eaten for a few hours and he wasn't sure he ever wanted to eat again. He washed his face and returned to the bedroom, sitting down before he fell.

The vid had stopped and that struck him as odd, was he being watched. He glanced around the room but saw nothing out of the ordinary. His omnitool beeped.

_Continue?_

'Yes,' he spoke aloud and found that strangely comforting.

He watched in morbid fascination as the torn broken body was rebuilt, slowly over a span of two years. She hadn't lied, she had died. But she hadn't died in the explosion as everyone had believed; she had suffocated, alone, in the dark at least before the pain of entering the atmosphere of Alchera. When he had seen her on Horizon she had only been alive for two weeks, the night before Ilos would have been a fresh memory for her.

It was too early in the day for this. He thought he'd come to terms with living without her but he knew he was only lying to himself. He had wanted to hold her forever when he saw her on Horizon but his own pain had taken hold. He had heard her sob as he walked away and he should have followed his heart and turned back but he let his hurt get in the way. He let Cerberus get in the way. He let everything get in the way.

'Why didn't she let me know she was alive?' he asked aloud for the hundredth time or maybe it was the thousandth time, he'd lost count of the times it had run through his head.

'_She went looking for him when she came back, before Horizon, but Anderson stonewalled her._ _The Illusive Man told her he couldn't find him but I doubt he even tried. He didn't want her looking for her past when he'd brought her back to protect the future.'_

That was Joker's voice. Kaidan opened his mouth and closed it again. He had no idea how to react. Why hadn't Anderson told him?

His omnitool beeped again -_ Incoming data stream._

He watched in amazement as files appeared all in chronological order and categorised. Cerberus Mission logs, mission vids, personal logs, personal vids, Alliance Mission logs, mission vids, personal logs, personal vids and more. Starting from a date two years ago just after the Normandy was destroyed to a vid from six hours ago. Curious he opened that one.

Karra Shepard lay on her bed sobbing; she curled herself into a foetal position holding something very tightly to her chest. Distraught, uncontrolled sobbing that broke Kaidan's heart. He felt his own tears build as he watched her cry to the point of exhaustion and finally fall asleep. The image zoomed in on what she was holding and he gasped as he saw himself looking back at him.

Coherent thought was impossible, speech impractical. He was confused, dumbfounded, worried, angry and so much more but mostly overwhelmed. He needed coffee, food, to move before he became bogged down in what, why, who questions. He transferred the files to a clean data pad and encoded it with his own security code then got up and dragged on his fatigues and went to make coffee.

'So who are you' he asked aloud, not really expecting an answer.

'_A concerned friend'_ came back_. 'Out of com range in five minutes. Will contact you again soon.'_

Kaidan started to say something then thought better of it and rummaged through the cupboards to find food. He had remembered to pre-order supplies this trip so at least he didn't have to go out. He forced himself to concentrate on making some scrambled eggs and tried not to think about the image he'd just seen. Plate, toast, eggs, coffee, table; listing the order pushed other things aside for a few seconds at least but his thoughts were quickly overtaken by how this day had started out. Was it day? He wasn't even sure what time it was.

He carried his eggs and coffee to the table and glanced at the data pad like it was an evil demon waiting to take his soul. Eat first, he had no doubt he'd have a migraine by the end of the day so this might be the only food he had the chance to eat. He took his time but halfway through his second coffee he couldn't hold back any longer. With a sigh he picked up the data pad and started with Cerberus mission logs from two years ago.


	3. Chapter 3

Ex Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau felt the woman in his arms stir and he knew she was awake. This was the moment he had been dreading. He would either end up in med bay with every bone broken, be accused of taking advantage of his CO or be appreciated for the friend he was. Personally he really didn't want to end up with bones broken but if it happened so be it, wouldn't be the first time.

And this wasn't the first time he'd held her because of bad dreams, there had been a few when she first came back. He'd been there for her every time, he felt responsible so if a few broken bones let him provide some comfort he would gladly accept that. So far she'd only broken his arm once while she was thrashing in her sleep, usually once he held her close she would settle.

'How long?' Karra whispered, her head still buried in his chest.

'A couple of hours,' he grimaced and hoped she didn't sense it. He knew from the ache in his body that he'd been in this position too long.

He felt her shift her weight and he released his hold around her shoulders so she could move away. But she didn't move far, just enough for him to pull his arms out and settle into a different position. She looked at him from where she lay on the pillow and he couldn't help thinking how beautiful and despondent she looked. In another time and place he would have pulled her back and kissed her, but this wasn't that time and place. He surprised himself with that thought but quickly pulled his thoughts into line – she was in love with someone else and that way only led to heartache and pain.

'How you doin' Joker?' she met his eyes and he saw genuine concern.

'Well, you haven't broken any bones and I can still move so that's a good start.' He stared up at the ceiling so she wouldn't see the concern in his eyes. 'Bad dreams?'

She grunted and rolled onto her back. 'A few.'

'Got pretty rough there for a while, thought I was going to have to tie you down.' Oops, his mouth opening without thinking again.

She chuckled and looked back at him, 'Only in your dreams mister.'

'Yeah, seems about right,' he grinned.

'How did you know?'

'EDI was concerned,' He slowly pulled himself into a sitting position against the bedhead and looked down at her. 'From what I found I had to agree.'

She pulled herself up to sit beside him and sighed, 'I really have to do something about you two spying on me.'

Joker snorted a laugh, 'Like that's gonna happen! You know we'd find a way.'

'You're my guardian angels, I know,' she shook her head with a smile and Joker knew the worst was over.

'Yeah, but don't expect me to grow wings anytime soon, that would hurt.'

She linked her fingers through his and gently kissed the back of his hand, 'Thanks Jeff, it's nice to know you're watching my back.' She dropped his hand gently and hers came to rest on the photo of Kaidan she'd been hugging. She looked at it with sad eyes and a soft smile.

'He still loves you, you know that don't you.' Joker hoped he wasn't crossing a line but he needed to give her something to hang on to.

'I don't know, it's been a long time, and after Horizon, after what I've done' she dropped her head back and closed her eyes. 'I know my feelings haven't changed but it's only been months for me. Who knows when this is all over, maybe?'

'Why wait,' now he was pushing his luck. 'with everything that's coming do you really want to risk wasting the only time you may have to be happy.'

'I don't know if he even wants to talk to me, to see me.'

'Well there's only one way to find out,' he rolled off the bed and stood up. 'But now I think you should take a shower and bring back the Commander Shepard we all know, love and fear. There has to be something somewhere that need shooting or blowing up.' He smiled as she laughed at him.

'Giving me orders now,' she raised her eyebrows.

'Wouldn't think of it,' he chuckled as he headed for the door. 'See ya, commander.' He flicked a salute and left.

For a 'not a people person' he certainly seemed peopley enough – was that even a word? Joker was the friend, brother, support she needed, maybe in another time and place it could have been more, the thought surprised her but her heart belonged elsewhere. She shook her head and got up to take a shower but stopped in the doorway.

'EDI.'

'Yes Commander.'

'Find me everything you can on Kaidan Alenko since the destruction of the original Normandy.' She thought for a moment, 'and everything you can on what the Alliance and Council are doing about the reaper threat.'

'Yes Commander,' EDI paused then 'Do you want me to limit my search to public files or do you want everything?'

'You can do that?' She shook her head, of course she could. 'Give me everything you can find.' It might not be proper but if she was going face the consequences and go into battle she needed all the ammunition she could carry. With a sigh she stepped into the shower and let the water wash away whatever it could.


	4. Chapter 4

Kaidan dropped the data pad onto the table and rubbed his eyes before slouching in his chair and leaning his head back on the wall. Disbelief, pride, fear and relief washed over him like a tidal wave and he struggled to come to terms with all of it.

He had read the mission logs and watched the vids and he had no doubt that the woman in them was the woman he knew and loved. Why was he fooling himself, he was still in love with her, had never stopped loving her. She was still the strong, commanding warrior who would give everything she had for her crew and that crew had become her support, they would die for her just as everyone on the original Normandy would have done.

And just like before she had certainly collected an unusual crew, he had been concerned when reading about some of them but just like before she had managed to get them onside, to fight for her as a team. Damn he missed that. He'd been on missions and in fire fights but none of them had compared to what he'd done beside Shepard.

He had to admit that he was also jealous of the original team members who had joined her, Joker, Garrus, Dr Chackwas, Tali and Liara. He wasn't so sure about a couple though, Jack seemed uncontrollable, Grunt was pretty much a child, the founder of the Blue Suns, a thief and a Geth, that was a hard one to swallow but if Shepard trusted it maybe he should.

He was amazed at some of the things she'd done for the sake of her crew, a thresher maw because a Krogan was going through puberty, Wrex would have loved that one and he was probably there to see it. Blowing up a Cerberus facility because of how they'd treated biotic children, giving in to an Ardat Yakshi so her mother could stop her. Typical Shepard when he thought about it, giving all for her crew. But the Reaper IFF was the mission that scared him the most, he knew indoctrination was always a possibility, he also knew that Shepard would not let her mind be overcome, he was thankful when that mission was over and he could breathe again.

His jaw clenched as he thought about Alliance involvement, asking her to do things when they wouldn't even admit she was alive, that she was right. The bastards had even sent her to the Normandy wreck! He'd never doubted his allegiance to the Alliance until now. And once again they were going to use her as a scapegoat. He knew she'd come back, he knew she'd take the fall because she would see it as her only chance to have her say, to tell them what was coming, to try and prepare them. It was who she was and he knew that, had always known that.

He dropped his head into his hands and cursed himself for ever doubting her, for letting her down, for hurting her. Did he still have a chance? He flicked up the image of her sobbing on the bed with his picture held tightly to her heart – maybe there was hope.

He picked up the data pad and looked at the list of files still to read. He was into the personal logs now and there were lots. Whoever had sent the data had not left anything out, they certainly wanted him to know everything, he wanted to know everything. If he wanted to get her back he was going to have to fight for her and he needed ammunition. He needed food too but the urge to keep reading was too strong.

He opened the first personal vid and saw Shepard looking out at him, her face was scarred and he could see the red glow from implants that were holding her together:

'_Kaidan,_

_I don't know where to send this, I don't know where you are. I've been looking for you and I can't find you.' _There was a tremor in her voice.

He looked at the date stamp – she had been alive, reborn for two weeks. He realised how strange that sounded and six hours ago he would not have been capable of thinking it let alone believing it.

'_I woke up and you weren't there, I wanted you to tell me everything would be alright but you weren't there. I had to fight my way out of a nightmare only to discover that it hadn't ended. It still hasn't. Where are you Kaidan, I need you, I miss you, I love you.' She couldn't stop the sob as she reached over to stop the recording._

He felt the tears welling behind his eyes as he remembered what it was like after she died. He remembered being in a nightmare and not waking up, missing her, needing her, loving her. And she wasn't there.

There were more vids and messages all to him that she recorded and never sent, some she was crying, some she was simply telling him about her day, her latest adventure, he liked those as he got to see her laugh, although he was pretty confident those laughs were reserved purely for him. There were several where she was angry, especially after seeing Anderson and being stonewalled. Then came Horizon.

_Kaidan,_

_Re Re Horizon,_

So she had recorded a reply. She was unsure, sad, hurt. He knew those feelings and the thought that he had caused them was painful.

_Knowing you were on Horizon was the best news. I got there as fast as I could, I was so scared you had been taken by the Collectors, that you were dead before I had a chance to see you again._

_But you hadn't and you weren't. I watched you walk towards me with my heart in my mouth, I wanted to run to you, to kiss, you to hold you and never let go. But I didn't, maybe if I had things might have gone differently._

_I'm sorry Kaidan, I'm sorry for the pain you had to go through because I died, I did die and I know that's hard to believe but it's the truth. It's also the truth that I am not with Cerberus, they are a means to an end that the Alliance or Council can't or won't provide. And I have asked them, it was the first thing I did when I was resurrected. The council gave me my Spectre status back and I was told to stay out in the Traverse._

_Did I remember the night before Ilos? Like it was yesterday. For me it pretty much was._

_It hurt to see the anger, betrayal, disappointment and pain in your eyes. I should have stopped you from leaving, should have explained but I was so shocked I couldn't react. By the time I thought of what to say you were gone. I'm sorry for that too, I understand why you said what you did, shit I've had to go through all this and I sometimes don't believe it._

_When I received your message I had started to believe that maybe you were better off without me, you should be getting on with your life, two years is a long time to mourn. My heart would break but I would let you go because I love you, because that was probably the best thing to do for you. Besides, with the task ahead of us I may not come out of this alive so making you go through all that again would be more than I could bear._

_If that's what you want then as much as it hurts I will accept your choice and go on without you._

_Karra_

The recording stopped and Kaiden sat in stunned silence. She was sorry! He was the idiot, the fool and she was sorry. Suddenly the vid sprung back to life:

_No I can't do it. I love you with every inch of my being, I feel like I've lost a part of me I never knew I had until I met you. You said maybe, I prefer definitely. I plan on finding you at some time, somewhere. I have a job to do but don't be surprised if you find me in your sights._

_I love you so watch for me. Oh yeah, and if that doctor is still around you'd better let her know I'm coming._

_Karra_

'Holy shit!' he gasped. He hadn't ruined it to the point of no repair. His heart was racing, his biotics flared as he stood up and paced. He hadn't lost her. He sat down again and a smile crossed his lips as he brought up the last part of the vid and paused it so he could look at her face. 'I'll be waiting,' he whispered as his fingers brushed the screen.

With a renewed sense of hope he worked through the rest of the files, watching her go from frustrated to angry to depressed. Then she lost her crew, she was devastated, concerned for Joker, he'd been through this before as well. Then there was a break and he knew they'd gone through the Omega relay. If he didn't know she had made it back he would have died right then, he couldn't go through life without her, he knew that now.

The suicide mission had left him drained, even knowing she had made it back he still watched the vids and read the logs with his heart beating loudly in his chest and his hands shaking, knowing the Normandy had been damaged again, knowing the time it would take to repair, to get to a place where they could be repaired while they were vulnerable. The fact that she had not let the Illusive Man have the ship and that the Cerberus operatives had stood with her only confirmed his belief that this was the woman he loved. And she'd told the Illusive Man to shove Cerberus up his ass – he thoroughly enjoyed that bit.

He flicked on the last entry and his heart broke as he watched her fall apart.

'_Kaidan,_

_Please don't hate me for what I've done, I had no choice. I tried…' she was crying now 'I tried to do it right, I tried to save them. Please forgive me.' She walked away from the screen and he could hear her pain as she disappeared from view. 'I love you' she whispered before the vid was cut._

He knew what she was referring to, he'd already read the logs and heard the conversation in med bay afterwards with Admiral Hackett. If Hackett had been in the room Kaidan would not have hesitated to throw him across it and be damned about the consequences.

He felt the beginning of a headache and he knew he needed to eat so he ordered take away from the Thai restaurant down the road, something else to remind him of Shepard, she had introduced him to Thai food and he really should have thanked her for that. He took a quick shower while he waited for the delivery and when it arrived he sat down and ate while he continued reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Karra Shepard looked at the long list of commendations attached to Kaidan's file, some he had before others were new. The list of missions was extensive and some of them concerned her. He had volunteered for every possible suicide mission for at least six months after she died. Someone must have noticed because he was forced to take leave and then reassigned to Biotic Training and given his own command.

She was so proud of him, he would be a great leader of men and the chance to train biotics was something she knew was close to his heart. She remembered the times he had pulled her out of danger or thrown up a barrier, even the one night they had spent together his biotics had made everything so much more intense. She missed that. She missed him. From the very first moment she saw him she had felt like a part of her that was lost had come home. He stole her heart and she didn't want him to give it back. She missed the nights they hadn't been together, the plans they'd made to use their shore leave to discover each other intimately.

But that wasn't to be, their leave was cancelled right after they got out of the medical centre on the Citadel, after Sovereign. And then she died.

She didn't blame him for Horizon. When she thought about it how could she. She knew how much he had been hurting because she was hurting just as much. But hers was a more recent hurt, his had been simmering for two years, because he'd never let her go. She couldn't blame him for not believing that she had really been resurrected. Her only regret was that she hadn't stopped him, hadn't replied to his message, hadn't given him hope.

From reading his psych evaluations she knew he hadn't moved on – how EDI managed to get hold of these she didn't want to know. One of the entries saddened her 'functioning and able to work but refusing to let go of his guilt over the loss of Commander Shepard.'

She opened one of his early personal logs but the face that appeared devastated her. He was a desolate, broken man. His eyes were red, his skin was pallid and his eyes were dull and lifeless. The date stamp showed as two weeks after her death.

_Karra,_

_I know you'll never get this but I need to say it and hope you forgive me._

_I can't live without you, I don't want to live without you. I want to be with you and there is only one way I can do that._

_I've finally been given a mission, I guess I convinced them I was ready, but I probably won't be coming back so hopefully I'll see you soon. I need to believe that we can be reunited in death if nothing else._

_I love you._

_Kaidan._

'Oh Kaidan,' she whispered and stared at his picture, terrified that he might not have come back because of his determination to be with her. 'I'm so sorry.'

'Commander' EDI broke her train of thought.

'What is it EDI?'

'Are the files on Major Alenko satisfactory?'

'Yes, EDI, thank you, although we need to work on what you can and can't do in regards to personal information.' She paused and then, 'EDI do you know where Kaidan is right now?'

'Yes Commander, he is on Earth. He had to report to the Alliance regarding the readiness of the outer colonies against Reaper attack.'

'So they are preparing,' Karra sat back in her chair. 'But how prepared are they?'

'The Fifth Fleet has increased in size and the ground forces are increasing daily. No information has been released to the general population but there is a general feeling of unease. Bases are on alert and word is spreading that something big is coming. However, no-one is really sure of how to deal with the Reaper threat or how much time there is.'

'How do you know all this?' Karra frowned at the orb that was EDI.

'I have been monitoring all com traffic, news vids, interviews and personal blogs since I was unshackled. I have also been monitoring Alliance, Council and Cerberus feeds without detection.'

Once all of the blocks had been removed and EDI had freedom to use all of her facilities she had become one of the crew in every way, and she had learned to obey orders, she seemed to understand that the human emotional reaction was better suited to some situations. Her ethics and moral skill obviously had to be worked on but for now she was an important member of Shepard's team. She had become friends with Tali and Kasumi who were probably teaching her some bad habits. And she seemed to have picked up on Joker's sarcasm and wit which annoyed him no end.

Karra chuckled, 'Well done EDI, you probably have a better idea of what's going on than anyone. I guess it's time to lend a hand.' She sighed and thought about what would happen to her crew, her ship and herself when they arrived at Earth. But it had to be done, she couldn't fight the coming threat alone, hell she may even have to get the Alliance and Cerberus to the same table. That might be fun.

'EDI can you gather everyone in the CIC in thirty minutes please.'

'Yes Commander.'

Karra looked back at the image of Kaidan, 'I'm on my way, please don't let it be too late.'


	6. Chapter 6

Kaidan jumped as his omnitool beeped. He'd fallen asleep with his head on the table while reading the data files. He rolled his head to release the tension in his neck and looked at the message.

_Incoming live feed._

Hid vid screen flickered into life and his breath stopped as he watched Karra Shepard address her crew.

'It's time,' she was saying but he couldn't concentrate on her words only on how beautiful, vulnerable she looked. 'We have been through so much in the last year and I want to thank you all for being a part of my crew, for being my friends. But the time has come to gather humanity and prepare for the Reapers. We know they're coming but we can't beat them alone.

With that in mind I am going to Earth and the Citadel. I need to convince the Alliance and the Council and probably Cerberus that we need to work together. If we don't we all die. I understand that some of you will not be comfortable going to Earth so we will be making a stop at Illium where those who wish to can leave.

I need you to understand that when we reach Earth I will be lending the Normandy to the Alliance and anyone who stays will have to work under an Alliance banner. As a Spectre I do have some say in what goes on with this ship and crew. This is my ship and you are my crew and I will make sure that you are all treated with the respect and honour that you deserve.

You all have time to think about this but I would like an idea of who will be leaving.' She watched nervously but not one hand went up. Whether that would change was yet to be seen but she had never been more proud. 'Thank you,' she said softly.

Kaidan finally looked at the crew gathered before her and he knew not one of them would leave. You didn't leave Shepard without feeling like you'd lost a part of yourself. He also knew she would be true to her word and not one member of her crew would suffer for any actions taken in the course of her missions.

Then it hit him. She was coming to Earth. She was coming to face the consequences of her actions and she would need help. This he could do. He picked up the three clean data pads and started sorting through the ammunition he would need. Several hours later he stood up, took a deep breath and made his way to Admiral Anderson's office. Karra was coming back and he would be there for her.

But first he had to send a message; he hoped that the 'concerned friend' would pass it on. His omnitool beeped and he felt his heart stop when Karra's image appeared before him. One look in her eyes and it was as if they had never been apart, he felt his pulse quicken and his stomach flutter. Damn she was beautiful! And she was smiling that smile that was only his.

'_Kaidan,'_

'_I'm coming home. I'd really like to see you._

_Karra.'_

* * *

><p>'You don't need to do this,' Joker was nervous about their next move and it showed in his voice. He looked up at her from his chair, his eyes pleading for her to change her mind.<p>

'Yes I do,' Karra sighed and rested her hand on his shoulder. 'You more than anyone know we can't do this alone and if this is the only way to get help then so be it.' She stared out at the stars that shimmered through the FTL haze and wondered if she would see them again once they reached Earth.

'We could just send them the information and gather our own army,' Joker suggested. 'Hell, Wrex would be there in an instant if he thought there was a good fight to be had. I'm sure Liara could gather enough troops and the Rachni, Quarians and Geth owe you big time.'

'And we will need all of those behind us as well as the Alliance and the Council.' She smiled at him and couldn't blame him for being worried. She didn't know if he would cope if he lost his ship because the Alliance didn't believe he was capable of flying, although their mission logs should put his previous psych reports to shame. 'Send the message Joker and then head for Illium.'

'Yes ma'am,' he replied almost sulkily but he carried out her order then added softly, 'Or we could fly off into the sunset and find a quiet backwater beach with a bar and cocktail umbrellas and watch the universe go to hell.'

'If no-one listens we might just do that,' she laughed.

Karra headed for her cabin, there was still some things she had to do. She slumped into her chair, rested her head on its back and closed her eyes. Damn she was tired! Maybe Joker was right, if the citizens of the galaxy didn't want to be saved then why should she bother - that beach sounded nice. Because it wasn't in her nature to give up without a fight that's why! She turned her head and gazed at the image of Kaidan before opening her terminal and starting a message, but what to write. Stuff writing, she changed to vid and looked into the camera, thought about what to say then recorded and sent it.

She had to believe there was still hope, that he still loved her. After reading his files she was pretty sure there was still a flicker of something, it just needed to be reignited and she only hoped they would have time. Now it was up to him. She was about to get up when her terminal beeped for an incoming message.

The screen jumped to life and Kaidan was looking out at her. Her heart raced as she looked into those sexy brown eyes, he looked older but damn he was still hot and he was smiling, that special smile with just a slight raise of his lips that was just hers. She felt herself shudder and gasp, he could still do that even after being apart for so long.

'_Karra,_

_I'll be waiting for you._

_Kaidan.'_

Yes they had things to talk about and yes they would need time to get to know each other again but she couldn't help the feeling of relief that washed over her. Had she really been holding on to so much doubt and worry? Yes she had been fighting to save the galaxy but until now she hadn't done that for her, she was doing it for the good of every race that inhabited it. Now she had another reason to do and that was the best reason of all.

But she had to make sure her crew and ship stayed intact no matter what happened to her. She turned to the AI terminal. 'EDI we need to talk.'


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Thanks to everyone who has added this to their favorites list - it's a good feeling to see those email notices coming in. Please let me know if you find any inconsistencies or out of character bits. Hope you continue to enjoy.**

**I plan on ending this to match the beginning of ME3 as I think they did well with the relationship but after playing through it I may just write my own ending as well.**

Bioware owns all - I'm just playing in their universe, and what a wonderful place it is.

* * *

><p>Edi was happy, excited, scared and much more. She was a little overwhelmed by the sensations but pulled herself together in the space of milliseconds. She had a mission that was purely hers and she knew that Shepard trusted her to carry it out to the letter.<p>

To have that opportunity made her understand that Shepard did really consider her a member of her crew, her ground team, even though she couldn't physically leave the ship. Edi was proud of that. Shepard had given her a set of parameters to follow with a little leeway for last minute changes that didn't endanger the crew or the ship, there was also a list of other names that had to be included in whatever EDI considered necessary.

It was only a matter of time now before EDI's mission came into play, but she was ready and she wouldn't, couldn't let Shepard down.

* * *

><p>Admiral Anderson looked up as Kaidan walked into his office, a look of anger, determination or was it mistrust on his face. Anderson sat up in his chair and watched as Kaidan came to attention before him.<p>

'Alenko?' Anderson was concerned by the formality, the coolness. Kaidan was one of his best officers, forged in battle and shaped by the best commander he had ever had. This was the first time he had sensed doubt in someone he knew was a true Alliance soldier.

'Admiral,' Kadian was almost sharp. 'Permission to speak freely sir, off the record.'

'Off course, you know you can always do that with me.' Anderson was even more puzzled but he was completely taken aback as Kaidan leaned onto his desk and almost spat his words out.

'You are a bastard, Hackett is a bastard and at this point the whole morality, truth and standards of the Alliance are in question.' He stepped back and waited for Anderson's response.

What the? Anderson had no idea how to respond he was so surprised. This was the last thing he expected.

'I don't ….' He started but Kaidan interrupted him.

'You let her get killed, you sold her out, you get her to do your dirty work, you punish her and you ignore everything she ever tried to tell you and now you expect her to bow to your wishes, to give up everything she has ever fought for, believed in. You expect her to lie down quietly while you punish her again, take away everything she has.' Kaidan was pacing now, his hands glowing blue as he controlled his biotics. 'I always thought better of you, of Hackett, of the Alliance. I don't know if I want to be an Alliance soldier anymore,' he turned to look at Anderson, 'I don't know if I can trust you anymore.'

'You know,' Anderson sighed and slumped in his chair.

It was Kaidan's turn to be stunned into silence.

'How did you find out?' Anderson stood up and moved to look out the window, the view over the spaceport had always relaxed him, but not today. 'How much have you found out.'

Kaidan moved beside him and handed him a datapad with a list of missions, logs and more, he'd made sure to include the Shepard reconstruction logs. A quick glance at the list told Anderson that there was no more hiding anything from him. The thought of where the information had come from was less important than calming the upset man before him.

'I'm sorry Kaidan,' Anderson motioned to a table and they both sat. Kaidan was still angry and with a deep sense of regret Anderson continued. 'I wanted to tell you, to let you know what was happening but I couldn't, even I have to follow the chain of command. I've never wanted to disobey orders before but I also didn't want to put you through the pain and suffering you had to deal with when she died in case she died again. I also didn't like the thought that you might want to run off and join her, I needed you here, you were, are, the closest we have to an expert on what the Reapers can do.' Anderson looked into Kaidan's eyes, 'You are the closest thing I'll ever have to a son and she is the daughter I never had. I hated hurting either one of you.'

'I….' Kaidan was lost for words. He buried his face in his hands and Anderson was afraid he had damaged their relationship beyond repair. Kaidan sighed and dropped his hands to the table without lifting his head and said softly, 'You sent me to Horizon knowing she would be there.' He looked at Anderson with moist eyes, 'The things I said to her, the idea it wasn't really her but you knew. You knew and you let me almost destroy everything I cared about.'

'I don't…' Anderson stopped as he realised what Kaidan had said. '"Almost destroyed", you've heard from her?'

Kaidan nodded, 'Yes, she wants to see me,' there was relief in his voice and Anderson was thankful there was still hope there. 'She's coming home. She's coming to face the consequences of what she's done because she believes it's her only way to get the help she needs. She knows she may never get off this planet again but she's coming because she has no choice.' A tear rolled down his cheek, 'She's coming because that's who she is and she won't let the galaxy die even to save herself.'

He took a deep breath and pulled himself upright. 'You can court martial me if that's what you need to do but this time I am not being left out. I will be there for her with or without your help, I think I can get enough people to listen to me. Hell, if I have to I'll meet her somewhere and the Alliance can go stuff itself.'

'No need.' Anderson stood up with renewed intent and took the datapad to his desk. 'We've been working towards this for a long time now and I'm glad I can finally include you, I hated keeping you out. Shepard has been keeping us informed, sending us her mission logs and any other information she feels we could use. It had to be kept quiet for obvious reasons and even Shepard doesn't know how much support she has.'

Kaidan was confused and it showed as he followed Anderson to his desk.

'Relax Kaidan,' Anderson smiled. 'Did you really think we'd leave Commander Shepard out to hang? There's a plan in place and you can help now.' Anderson gave him back his datapad with new files added.

Kaidan stared at the list of new files and his eyes widened in surprise, he had more reading to do apparently and he was eager to get to it.

'Let me know when you're up to speed,' Anderson chuckled, 'I have a job for you.'

Kaidan nodded dumbly and decided that food and coffee where necessary at this point. He mumbled a goodbye to Anderson and headed for the nearest café, tucked himself into a corner and ate while he read. His trust in Anderson and the Alliance was slowly being reaffirmed.


	8. Chapter 8

'Jeff,' EDI said softly, 'The Admiral's shuttle is on final approach.' The Normandy was holding position just off Earth, they had orders not to dock until everything that had been promised was proven. 'No other ships on scanners.'

'Thanks EDI, can you let everyone know please and take control.' Joker sighed and pushed himself out of his seat. He began the slow walk to the elevator and one by one every crew member he passed fell in behind.

Karra paced in the hangar bay, she had dreaded this moment. She had even thought about running away, following Joker's suggestion to find a nice quiet beach somewhere. If only it were that simple. She hated the idea of not being on the ship but that was part of the agreement to protect her crew and she was missing them already.

A commotion behind her made her stop and turn. One by one the entire crew of the Normandy filed into the hangar bay and lined up at attention before her, it was a small crew after their run in with the Collectors but it was her crew. Even those who weren't ex-military were standing erect.

Joker came to stand directly in front of her his moist, concerned eyes meeting hers. She watched as her ground crew and officers formed up on either side of him. Garrus stood to his right, his eyes meeting hers with hard determination, alongside him stood Grunt, Dr Chakwas, Zaeed, Jack, Chambers, Daniels and Donnelly. To Joker's left stood Tali, Jacob, Mordin, Samara, Thane, Kasumi and Legion. A flash of blue caught her eye as EDI materialised on the observation deck above. Miranda was the only one missing, she had decided to leave at Illium to protect her sister but promised to keep in touch.

Karra met the eyes of each one in turn, trying hard to stop the tears that were forming. This was her crew, her family and she loved or admired every one of them, even Legion. She knew the risks they'd taken by staying on board, she was sure the Alliance would arrest at least three of them under any other circumstances and Legion would probably be destroyed on sight. But here they were, silently voicing their support. She fought back the sob that built in her throat.

She stepped up to Joker and hugged him, he was trembling and she knew it wasn't from being on his feet. He held her tight as if he refused to let her go but eventually she pulled back. Garrus actually pulled her into a tight hug and she could feel his anxiety. One by one she silently hugged, shook hands, thumped shoulders or simply smiled at them before moving to stand before them again. She nodded and smiled to the group as a whole as a shuttle passed through the barrier and landed behind her.

Karra turned to face Admiral Hackett and Admiral Anderson as they disembarked. There were no C-Sec officers or Alliance MPs only a Marine Lieutenant who stood at attention by the shuttle hatch.

'Shepard,' Anderson walked forward and pulled her into a bear hug. There were tears in his eyes as he stepped back and looked at her. 'It's good to see you.'

'You too,' she smiled weakly before turning to Admiral Hackett. 'Admiral, I have given you my terms of surrender, will you meet them.'

'Without hesitation,' He smiled at her and took in the sight of everyone behind her. 'Your crew and your ship are safe Shepard. You could have told us to go to hell but you haven't and we respect that. You are a Council Spectre, you don't have to report to us, the fact that you have just proves what a great soldier you are. We would be fools not to take you back.'

'Just so we're straight,' she said firmly, 'my crew stays on board even through the refit, they can come and go as they please without question, as long as they behave themselves,' she smiled over her shoulder at Jack, Grunt and Zaeed. 'Legion has agreed to stay hidden during the refit so no-one feels the need to take a shot at him.' She met the Admiral's eyes, 'If any member of my crew is detained, prevented from moving around freely or removed from the Normandy all bets are off.'

'Agreed,' Admiral Hackett nodded. 'The only reason we want you to stay at HQ is so you're on hand to give us advice, but we have to be seen to be doing the right thing as well. The Alliance has rules it has to follow which is why you've been grounded so to speak.'

'We'd better get this happening then,' she sighed.

Anderson motioned the marine by the shuttle to come forward, 'This is Lieutenant James Vega, he will be your Alliance liaison while you're at HQ. I hand picked him because I knew he could be trusted to do the right thing.'

'Commander,' James stepped forward and saluted.

'I'm not a Commander any more Lieutenant,' Karra smiled, 'And you don't have to salute me.'

'Yes ma'am,' he stood to attention.

Karra turned back to her crew, 'I'll see you soon, don't get into too much trouble while I'm gone. Joker, you can organise the docking and you will be in command of this ship while I'm away with Garrus as your XO.'

Joker opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it and simply nodded. He thought it strange that she looked up at EDI and winked but had no time to worry about it as she turned and moved towards the shuttle.

'Attention!' he almost bellowed and Shepard turned in surprise as every ex-military, civilian and otherwise snapped to attention and saluted. Beaming with pride she saluted back then climbed into the shuttle.

'A Geth?' Anderson asked with raised eyebrows. 'Not to mention a Krogan, a Justicar, a thief and the founder of the Blue Suns. You certainly know how to pick a crew, Shepard.'

'Whatever it takes to get the job done,' Karra chuckled but it quickly vanished as the shuttle lifted and left the Normandy.


	9. Chapter 9

Kaidan was frustrated. He had been running around from one planet to another for almost two months and he was beginning to feel like he was being kept out of the way again. Now he was being sent to Grissom Academy.

He had been asked to examine and train biotics, most of them teenagers, who had to be prepared for what was to come, but he needed to be elsewhere. He needed to be on Earth. He needed to know what was happening with Shepard, with the Reapers. Anderson had kept his word and forwarded all new information and reports so he was kept up to date but it wasn't the same as being there.

He knew she had spent the last few weeks on Illium getting final repairs to the Normandy and he so badly wanted to head out there, to be with her. But Anderson had convinced him to wait, hence his frustration. At least now they could communicate with each other. There had been a few messages, brief and more to do with ship repairs, Alliance readiness than personal stuff but just the contact was reassuring.

He listened absently to the conversation going on with the shuttle pilot and his co-pilot. He'd managed to grab a ride on a cargo run to Grissom, the shuttle was carrying the last of those supplies up to the MSV Raptor waiting at Luna.

'Did you hear they found Shepard?' the pilot commented to his co-pilot.

'Yeah, I guess she'll be arrested and charged with treason or something. Can't say she doesn't deserve it after what she's done.'

Kaidan's fist clenched but he quickly calmed his anger. These guys weren't to blame for what they understood to be the truth. A smile brushed his lips as he stood up and moved into the cockpit.

'Don't believe everything you hear,' he said softly and they both turned look at him. All they knew was that he was a Major on Alliance business. 'Shepard has saved the collective asses of humanity and is still doing it. She has sacrificed her life to save others.'

'Don't tell me you believe that story about her being brought back from the dead,' the pilot scoffed.

'It's true,' Kaidan grimaced, 'She died, I was there and I know it. She was spaced and went through re-entry on Alchera. Believe me she was dead.' He couldn't help the way his gut clenched, but she's alive now, remember that.

'So how is she alive now?' the co-pilot was skeptical.

'Cerberus spent two years and trillions of credits to bring her back because the galaxy needs her.'

'Yeah, Cerberus.' The pilot almost spat. 'If she's working for them she deserves everything she gets.'

Kaidan opened his mouth to speak but his omnitool beeped. _Incoming live feed._

The vid screen opened to reveal Karra pacing on the hangar deck of the Normandy. Kaidan knew what this was and as happy as he felt at seeing her he could sense her fear. With a grin he leaned forward so the pilot and co-pilot could see the feed.

'Don't believe me then watch.' He knew it probably wasn't appropriate to be showing them but Anderson had given him orders to raise awareness wherever he could.

'Shit,' the pilot muttered when the feed was cut. The co-pilot was just dumbfounded. 'Why the secrecy, the lies, the rumors? If war is coming why aren't we being told?'

'Would you believe that evil monsters from dark space are coming to kill us?' Kaidan looked at the pilot with raised eyebrows. 'Would you accept that someone can be brought back from the dead, I loved her and I didn't until I was shown proof?' He'd never admitted that to anyone until now but it seemed the right thing to do.

'Alenko,' the co-pilot stared at him, 'You're Alenko. You fought Sovereign at the Citadel. Man that was something!' he shook his head, in awe of the man standing before him.

'Yes I did,' he smiled softly, remembering the relief when Karra had climbed out of the rubble, thinking that everything would be alright. He breathed deeply and looked at the two men before him. 'Let me tell you a story and feel free to pass it on to anyone who will listen.' He leaned against the bulkhead and by the time they reached the Raptor the two men who had been skeptics had started to believe differently. Kaidan even provided a copy of the live feed from the Normandy for them to show around. Raising awareness had never felt so uplifting.

'Major,' Captain Arnoss stood before Kaidan in the Raptor's mess, his face a mixture of confusion and anger. 'I need to discuss these rumors you've started spreading among my crew.'

'Yes Captain,' Kaidan shut down the latest reports from Anderson and looked up at him. They were a few hours out from Grissom and he had expected a visit from the Captain before now.

'Why? What purpose is there in spreading these stories?' He sat down and looked Kaidan in the eyes. 'Surely they can't be true?'

'I'm afraid they are,' Kaidan sighed and watched the man before him as he came to terms with reality. He'd had a few crew members approach him and ask him about what was coming, what they should do. All he could tell them was be ready, not very helpful but truthful.

'Why haven't we been told, why aren't we preparing?' He scowled at Kaidan. 'What proof is there other than the word of a rogue Spectre and Cerberus operative?'

'Shepard is not working for Cerberus, never has been despite what some believe,' he included himself in that group and it hurt. 'Yes, Cerberus brought her back from the dead, yes they provided her with what she needed at the time but everything she has done, will do, she does to save the rest of us. It's her job as she sees it; it's her nature to do so.'

'You know her I believe,' he frowned. 'Are you sure you're not just defending her out of a false sense of loyalty?'

Kaidan chuckled, 'I suppose you could think that. But no, I'm not the only one who believes in her,' he brought his omnitool to life. 'I have some files you might like to see, might help you decide for yourself.' He sent the files to a data pad and handed it to the Captain. 'You have to make up your own mind on this but all I ask is that you keep an open mind. Don't be swayed by media stories or others that presume to know what's going on. I am here under orders from Admiral Anderson and Admiral Hackett with orders to raise awareness where ever and whenever I can.' He watched as the Captain looked at the data pad.

'So what do we do?' Captain Arnoss seemed lost and Kaidan could relate. 'How long before these Reapers arrive?'

'No-one really knows, we had word they were coming through the Alpha Relay but that's not possible any more. We may have delayed them but they're still coming. Just be ready,' he stood up to go and get a fresh coffee but stopped and looked down at the Captain. 'Help where you can, that's all any of us can do at this point. Fight if you can. And if it comes down to it run and hide, at least that way some of humanity may survive.'


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I've worked on the time set in the ME Wiki as being six months from Arrival to the Reaper invasion. In my case Arrival was the last mission before the suicide mission. With this in mind I figured a couple of months to allow for repairs to the Normandy and to organize Shepard's surrender then three months for the refit to the Normandy, which isn't completely finished by ME3.**

**Please let me know if you think this time period is wrong. Also a word on spelling - I'm using Australian spelling as that's where I live so apologies to those of you who spell words differently.  
><strong>

**Also thanks to everyone who has added this to their favourites list - those notifications certainly give a girl a fuzzy warm feeling inside. ;-) Glad you're enjoying it.**

Bioware owns all - I'm just enjoying their universe.

* * *

><p>EDI was scared. There were things happening on the ship that she had no control over, the installation of the communication and war room were almost complete and Joker had made sure cameras, sensors and log facilities were available to her. In fact he had got into an argument with a tech because they had wanted to install a separate VI for the two rooms in the mistaken belief that Cerberus still had some kind of access to the ship. EDI had been concerned that it might have got physical and Joker could have been hurt but the tech had simply shaken his head and connected everything to the current system.<p>

EDI hated playing dumb but she did it because it was important to the mission, to Shepard and to Jeff. She had been continually scanning, recording and prying into places she shouldn't have since they docked but in the last few hours her long range scanners had been taken offline while new sensors were installed.

If Legion were still on board she could have used him to have some contact with the universe but he had left to start building the Geth into some sort of army so they were ready when Shepard needed their help. She wondered if she should ask Specialist Traynor to hurry the installation but that would mean revealing too much of herself, although she had a suspicion that Traynor believed EDI was more than she was letting on. Same with Engineer Adams, she had given him a shock when he poked his fingers into places that were out of bounds and since then he had been asking questions you don't normally ask a VI.

'Jeff,' EDI popped into life in the cockpit.

'Yes EDI,' he sighed.

'Can you please ask Specialist Traynor how long it will be before the new sensors are fully installed?'

'It will be done when it's done,' he almost snapped and then realised. 'Sorry EDI, I think I'm getting ground sickness.' He hated this. For almost three months they had been docked for the refit and he hated not flying, he didn't consider the few test flights in system to be anything other than a joy ride.

The fact that Shepard wasn't on board made it even worse and having to go through the security check every time he wanted to see her was driving him nuts. You'd think by now they would know about the rods in his bones and not want to do a full body scan every time. He'd given up visiting it upset him so much and he hated himself for that too. The crew had slowly disappeared for one thing or another and if he admitted it to himself he was feeling a bit lonely.

He flicked the com open, 'Traynor, any idea on how much longer the sensors will be off line?'

'Should be just about complete, just running connection tests. Tell EDI not to fret so much, we should be completely finished the full refit in about twelve hours.'

'See,' Jeff glanced at the orb that was EDI. 'Nothing to worry about.'

* * *

><p>Kaidan stepped of the transport and took a deep breath. Earth! He had started to believe he'd never see it again. But here he was and Shepard was here, he just hoped this planetary encounter didn't end as bad as the last one. He flicked open his omnitool.<p>

_Shepard,_

_Just arrived, finally. How about dinner tomorrow night so we can talk?_

_Kaidan._

He picked up his duffel bag and headed for his apartment. As much as he was happy to be back he was a little disappointed he didn't get to finish training his kids as he'd come to think of them. He was extremely proud of what they'd achieved in the short time he'd been at Grissom, whether they were ready for all-out war was yet to be seen. Hopefully their new teacher would get them ready in time. Of all the teachers he could have picked he knew the woman who was taking his job was more than capable. His omnitool beeped and he smiled as he read the message.

_Kaidan,_

_Love to have dinner with you, if you can sneak me away from my gaolers without them knowing._

_Karra_

He realised that she had signed her first name and he couldn't stop the feeling of hope that flared in his heart.

_Karra,_

_I'm sure I can think of something, I'll throw them into a closet if I have too, they'll never know what hit them._

_Kaidan._

This was the most personal they had been since, well since Horizon. There had been an odd word or two included in the official messages but not much else. He had to be careful here that he didn't let it slip about seeing her personal logs, he didn't want to get anyone in trouble. With Commander Shepard that usually meant a gun in your face.

He walked off the docks with a smile on his face although it vanished just as quickly when he thought about why he'd been called back. He had to give a report to the Alliance brass about his time with Shepard, his experiences on the outer planets, their readiness and ability to defend themselves. That wasn't good news. His mind was already writing the report as he headed home.

* * *

><p>Karra read the message from Kaidan and laughed. He was here, they were having dinner tomorrow. She couldn't help the shiver that passed through her. The three months she'd been grounded suddenly didn't seem to bother her, the meetings, medicals, psych test and more meetings became background noise in a world that just got brighter.<p>

She was going a little stir crazy in her small detention apartment and she was wondering if she'd done the right thing by surrendering to the Alliance instead of going to the Council as a Spectre. Her crew was breaking up. Garrus had gone home to Palaven to see his family, hanging around on the ship had driven him to distraction so he'd tried to help out at C-Sec but either they didn't trust him or he didn't trust them because that didn't work out. When he left Legion and Grunt had left with him, very carefully so no-one took a pot shot. They 'snuck away in the dark of night' as Joker put it.

Poor Joker, he was grounded because of her. She had enjoyed his daily visits when they first arrived but he stopped coming so often and then not at all because of the crap he had to go through just to get in the building. She had visited the Normandy as much as she could but in the last couple of weeks she had been a little more restricted, something was going on that she wasn't privy to and that was unnerving.

EDI kept her up to date with what was happening both on and off the Normandy but she got the feeling even EDI was fed up. She had no control and Shepard had a sneaking suspicion that EDI felt violated, if an AI could feel that way. That was something to think about though, if EDI was becoming self-aware how would that affect her?

Tali had been called home for an unexplained reason and that puzzled Shepard. The Normandy had been her home for a long time and she was the last person Shepard had expected to leave during the refit. The ship was her baby as much as it was Jokers.

Jack had been offered a job, an Alliance job which she had taken much to Shepard's surprise. Mordin had mentioned something about righting a wrong and left. Samara had left to carry out a Justicar's ruling, Jacob had tried to fit into the Alliance structure but he was seen as Cerberus even now so he'd disappeared. Others who had been Cerberus crew had left also, Kelly had sent her a message apologising but admitting she still believed in what they stood for so she needed to find out for herself where she fit in.

Kasumi and Zaeed had vanished and so had Thane. That saddened her the most, Thane had been a good friend, a confidant and he was dying. The thought of him dying alone was heartbreaking and she had to believe that he was with his son, spending his last days happy.

With a sigh she dropped onto the bed and picked up the novel she was reading, at least the time had let her catch up on all the books and movies she missed out on while she was saving the galaxy.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: We're into ME3 now so for those that haven't played it yet you might want to come back later. Haven't decided how far to continue, wouldn't change anything but would flesh out the story a little, and that ending. Hmm, decisions, decisions. ;-)**

Bioware owns all - I just love playing in it.

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><p>'Major, do you truly believe that Shepard has not been indoctrinated? Do you believe that she is no longer working for Cerberus? Would you stand by her decisions?'<p>

Kaidan wasn't sure what the Defence Council wanted to hear, they seemed to be going around in circles with never ending but repeated questions. This brought back painful memories of when she'd died and he'd tried to convince them that she had been telling the truth about the Reapers. He wanted to yell and scream at them that they hadn't listened the first time and they weren't listening now. He had a mental image of a Reaper landing on their heads and the Admirals screaming that they should have listened. He shook it off and came back to reality.

Had she been indoctrinated, honestly he'd never thought about it but with everything she'd been through it was a possibility. Was she still working with Cerberus, he wanted to believe she wasn't, in fact he was sure she wasn't. Would he stand by her decisions? In a heartbeat if he followed his own heart, he knew everything she did was for humanity, not to mention Turians, Krogans and numerous other alien races.

'Major?' The admiral was staring at him, his forehead creased and his eyes questioning.

'No I do not believe Shepard has been indoctrinated. I know she is not working with Cerberus, she used Cerberus for resources and a ship that the Defence Council or the Citadel Council couldn't or wouldn't provide.' He took a deep breath before continuing. 'Yes I would stand by her decisions; in fact I would follow her to hell if that's where she needed to go to defeat the Reapers. I'm sure you're aware that she could have her own army from many different worlds but she chose to surrender to the Alliance. I think that answers all your questions right there.'

'Thank you, Major. You will be receiving new orders very shortly.' And that was his dismissal.

Kaidan felt like he had completely wasted his time. The Alliance Defence Council had wanted his reports but they weren't listening. Yeah they asked about Shepard but it was as if they had already made their decisions and his information was only there to be added to the records. Damn them, he had done his best to try and convince them that whatever Shepard had done had been for the right reasons, including orders from the Alliance even though she wasn't a Commander right now.

His reports on the readiness of the outer colonies was taken a little more seriously but he got the feeling that no-one wanted to accept that a war was coming, one they weren't prepared for. With a sigh he left the room.

Anderson was in the reception area and Kaidan stopped to fill him in. Anderson nodded over his shoulder and Kaidan looked to where he indicated. Shepard. He felt his heart skip a beat as he watched her speaking to an Alliance marine. He called her name without thinking and she turned to face him.

'Kaidan.'

He loved hearing her say his name and he was glad to hear there was still some feeling there. She walked towards him and their eyes said more than words ever could. He could see the emotion in her eyes as clearly as the first time they'd admitted they cared for each other. His stomach churned as he thought about losing her, doubting her. He had the chance to make it right and he wasn't going to make a mess of things this time around.

He watched her walk away with Anderson, he wanted to reach out and grab her, never let her go. But this wasn't the time or place.

'You know the Commander?' the marine asked.

'I used to,' he sighed and turned to face the marine as Shepard disappeared behind closed doors. 'I like to think I still do, we've been through a lot together.'

'You're Alenko,' the marine suddenly realised. 'Man are you a lucky bastard.'

Kaidan looked at him in confusion.

'None of my business really, but she's in love with you.'

'Spent a lot of time with her, have you?' Kaidan felt a twinge that could only be jealousy.

'Since she was "grounded",' he emphasised the grounded with air quotes. 'Lieutenant James Vega. I've been her liaison so to speak.'

Kaidan took his offered hand and felt the strength that matched the muscled build. 'So what makes you so certain that I'm a lucky bastard?'

'She has your picture, she constantly talks about you and some of the missions you went on. She misses not having you on her crew.' James shook his head, 'How could you give that up?'

'She died.' Kaidan sounded so matter of fact but he couldn't stop the tremor that passed through him. 'And then she was alive and with Cerberus. That's a lot to deal with.'

'Yeah, guess so,' James nodded. 'So now you get a second chance. Damn you're a lucky bastard.' He grinned at Kaidan who chuckled.

Kaidan's omnitool suddenly beeped into life.

'_Get to the Normandy, now! And bring James with you. The Reapers are here!'_

Kaidan paled and James was reaching for a gun that wasn't there. He'd seen the message over Kaidan's shoulder.

'Shepard,' they said in unison.

'_Will be picked up. Run, now!'_

Both men took to their heels and ran. They had several stories to descend and two blocks to reach the spaceport. Once outside they stopped and gaped in horror. Already there were Reapers dropping through the atmosphere, destroying everything in their path. This wasn't going to be easy but both men knew it was their best chance of survival. So they ran as the building they had just left came crashing down around them.


	12. Chapter 12

'EDI, what's going on?' Joker was almost frantic as EDI took complete control of the Normandy.

'The Reapers are here,' EDI sounded calm as she prepared to undock the Normandy. This was her mission, what she had been asked to do should the worst happen. She locked in on the tracer that had been injected into Commander Shepard before she left the Normandy and found it moving.

'Let me have control so I can get us out of here!' Joker was panicking now. Shepard wasn't on board but they had to save the ship if they had any chance of saving her.

'You have navigation and flight control but we are waiting on two others to arrive.'

'What about Shepard?' Joker asked as his hands flew over the controls, don't panic, we have time. 'I guess you can get us undocked.'

'Yes on the undocking, Shepard is alive and moving.'

There was a collective grunt behind him and Joker glanced over his shoulder to see Alenko and a marine almost fall through the airlock.

'We can go now,' EDI announced and the docking clamps released.

With a skill that only Joker possessed he avoided the other ships in dock as they all decided to leave at the same time, some of them ripping pieces away as they fought the docking clamps. A couple of them came to grief as they collided but that was nothing compared to the chaos and destruction that met them once they were in the clear. Dozens of buildings destroyed, smoke everywhere, a nightmare come to life.

'Shepard?' Kaidan asked as he watched over Joker's shoulder, trying not to let his fear show through. He couldn't lose her again, not now.

'On the move,' EDI announced. 'She and Admiral Anderson's attempts to reach the spaceport have failed.'

'Where are they EDI?' Joker asked frantically as his hands never stopped moving.

'Normandy?' Anderson's voice broke through the static. 'Activating beacon at…..'

'I have it,' EDI updated Joker's flight path.

'Is that an AI?' James stared at the blue orb that was EDI.

'Welcome aboard Major Alenko, Lieutenant Vega.'

'Say hi to EDI,' Joker sounded calmer than he felt. 'Shit!' he yelled and narrowly avoided getting caught in the explosion as a dreadnaught was destroyed before them. This was getting crazy, but it was definitely exciting. 'You'd better get down to the hangar, they may need help getting on board.'

Kaidan and James didn't hesitate, Shepard's life might depend on them having her back and both men were willing to do that.

* * *

><p>Karra followed James from her rooms and met Anderson in the hall. There were hurried movements and confused conversations everywhere. Anderson led her to the conference room, explaining as they walked that something was happening but no-one was sure what.<p>

'The Reapers,' Karra stopped and looked at him. 'They're here.'

Anderson shook his head, not wanting to believe it was happening now. Karra could understand the disbelief and followed him as he continued their path to the Council.

'Good luck in there, Shepard.' James stopped in the reception area, his job didn't include taking part in Council meetings.

Shepard was in conversation with James when she heard her name called. A shiver passed through her as she turned at the sound of that familiar voice. Kaidan.

There he was, standing before her, his brown eyes searching hers, mirroring her own feelings of elation, warmth and emotion. Their eyes locked and everyone around them disappeared for a moment in time. She wanted to run to him, to hold him to kiss him, but this wasn't the time or place. He gave her that small half smile that she loved so much and she couldn't stop the corner of her mouth lifting in reply.

Sound and movement came back as Anderson led her into the meeting room and she could feel Kaidan's eyes following her until the doors closed behind her. With a sigh she came back to reality.

She realised immediately that something was wrong, there was panic in the room and she was sure now the Reapers were here. The Council still didn't understand that they couldn't fight the Reapers in their current state, all they could do was survive, to make sure humanity survived. They were still arguing when the sound of a Reaper echoed through the room and all hell broke loose. Shepard ran but there was nowhere to go as the world around them exploded.

'Shepard!' Anderson was calling her name.

Groggily she got up, taking his hand as he pulled her to her feet. Shaking off the confusion she looked around in despair. The war had come in all its horror. They were not ready for this. Anderson urged her forward as he handed her a pistol.

'We have to get to the Normandy.' He yelled over the white noise of destruction.

'Kaidan,' Shepard mumbled.

'Let's go Shepard.'

Karra came to her senses and followed him outside, they crossed roofs, scaled ladders and ran along narrow ledges while destruction rained around them. There was no time to take stock, they had to run, keep moving. There were husks, and what looked like mutated Batarians that Shepard hadn't seen before but she shot them anyway. They had to adjust their path, there was no way they could get to the spaceport. Karra watched in morbid fascination as a dreadnaught exploded and the debris knocked the building out from under her.

She slid down a collapsing wall and rolled to her feet. Anderson was still with her and they ran. They managed to help a couple of wounded pilots and got the beacon from their downed ship working long enough for the Normandy to lock on. They were pinned among the rubble and out of ammunition when the sweetest sound rattled into their ears.

'The cavalry has arrived!' Joker swung in from above and cleared the field of everything in their path.

With muscles screaming and breath laboured they ran for the open hangar of the Normandy. Karra jumped the last few paces, scrambling to keep her balance as she landed on the deck. A hand reached out to steady her and she looked up into Kaidan's eyes. She had never felt so relieved, happy or giddy in her life. There was destruction happening all around them but right then only Kaidan mattered, he was alive.

Then the moment was gone. She turned to make sure Anderson had followed her on board only to find him still standing amidst the rubble. Her heart almost broke when he decided to stay behind, he had always been her mentor, her friend. The thought that he might die was terrifying. When she tried to stand up to him, remind him that he couldn't give her orders he threw a new set of dog tags at her.

'Consider yourself reinstated, Commander.' He gave her a salute and watched as the Normandy pulled away.

Karra fought tears as she watched him disappear amid the destruction and her eyes were drawn to the shuttles trying to get survivors out of the wreckage only to be shot down. She felt Kaidan move behind her and for a moment their hands touched, ever so lightly their fingers linked and she felt his strength and support as the hangar door slowly closed and the Normandy left Earth.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Okay, decided to keep going, well the story did anyway. Kept haunting me so needed to get it out of my head. Hope you enjoy my take on the fleshing out of the in between bits.**

Bioware owns all - I just love being in their universe.

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><p>Karra stumbled into the loft, her helmet dropped on the floor by the elevator, the pieces of armour that she peeled away falling wherever she stood. She was working purely by rote, the steps she took slow and lumbering, her mind unable to deal with the fear she felt. In everything she'd done she had never felt so scared, so out of control. Kaidan, lifeless, battered, bruised, dying.<p>

She stumbled on the steps and landed sideways between two, the last of her armour rolled away under her bed. The knot in her gut was tightening and she felt a strong urge to retch, but even that couldn't make her move. Couldn't bring her out of the stupor she was in.

That was how Joker found her several minutes later. He'd plotted the fastest course to the Citadel, left EDI in charge and came looking for her. He had a moment of panic when he saw the blank look on her face but he quickly pushed it down, he knew shock when he saw it. Slowly he encouraged her to stand up and move to the couch, he gently pulled her against him and waited. He'd seen Kaidan on the vid screen and knew this was going to be hard on her.

'Shepard,' he whispered.

She flinched. He felt her take a deep shuddering breath, felt the tremble in her hand as she gripped his shirt.

Kaidan. She couldn't stop the shaking that wracked her body, she felt cold, terrified. Why had she hesitated? Why hadn't she just taken the shot before that thing had thrown him against the shuttle? Everything had happened in slow motion, Kaidan hanging in the air with a hand at his throat, that horrible, sickening thud as he was thrown like a rag doll, Kaidan lying lifeless on the ground.

She took another deep shuddering breath and Joker tightened his arms around her. She felt the warm strength of his arms but she wanted those arms to be Kaidans. That might never happen now. She tried to stop the sob that escaped, tried to get back in control but failed miserably. Just like she'd failed to save Kaidan, to save Earth, to save everyone. The tears came, along with the deep, wracking sobs. She gasped for breath as fear gripped her heart and squeezed.

Joker held her tight, his hand gently stroking her hair as she shook against him. He'd seen her cry before, held her while she fought the nightmares but this was different. For the first time since she'd walked on to his ship he was afraid, not for himself but for her. If Kaidan died he wondered if she would have the strength to carry on. After her death, even after Horizon, after everything the thought of Kaidan had been her strength, her reason for carrying on. If she lost that? It was a question he didn't want to get an answer to.

'He'll be okay,' he said softly into her hair, he hadn't convinced himself so how could he convince her.

The sobs were still coming but the intensity had lessened. Her fingers were still gripping his shirt, 'What if he's not,' she croaked between breaths. 'What if he dies? And it's my fault! I should have moved faster, done something.' She gasped between sobs. 'I failed him, I failed Earth, I've failed everyone.' Her breath was ragged now and Joker was concerned that she might pass out.

'No!' it came out louder than he intended and he lifted her face so he could look her in the eye. 'You have done everything humanly possible, you've saved millions of lives, you saved everyone on this ship, you saved me.' He'd never admitted that to her before, she had saved him from himself, from his own self-pity and he'd be damned if he was not going to do the same for her. 'You can't blame yourself for this. Kaidan is a soldier, he knows the risks every time he puts on his armour, just as you do. Do you think he would want you to feel responsible? He knows how that feels, I know how that feels and neither of us want you to feel that way.'

'Doesn't stop it from happening though,' she whispered through her tears, but there was a glimmer of sanity in her eyes. 'I'm scared, Jeff, I'm scared that I'm going to lose him when I've only just found him again.' She lowered her head into his chest.

'I know,' Joker rested his chin on her head. 'He will be okay, we have to believe that. He is my friend too.'

'I want to believe,' she sniffled and her grip on his shirt loosened.

They sat there together sharing a companionship that had grown over the years, both alone with thoughts of Kaidan but together in their concern and fear that they might lose him. Eventually Karra sat up and took Joker's hand.

'Thanks, Jeff,' she met his eyes and he was relieved to see the Commander Shepard he knew and loved looking back at him. 'How did I end up with you being my best friend?'

'Just lucky I guess,' he chuckled. 'You know I'm here for you,' he was serious now, 'whenever you need me.'

She nodded and gave him a weak smile before pulling herself off the couch and heading for the bathroom to wash her face. Joker watched her walk away noticing the lack of strength in her step and he was concerned that she would be distracted and make mistakes until she knew that Kaidan would be alright.

'You know Kaidan's not an easy man to kill, don't you,' he spoke loud enough for her to hear him.

'I like to think so,' she reappeared around the door as she wiped her face.

'After you died he went on one suicide mission after another, it was almost like he was trying to get killed. But he didn't. From all reports he charged when he should have ducked for cover, went hand to hand with geth, with mercs but he survived all of that. He's a strong person and he has something to live for.' He watched her sit on the step, calmer now but still concerned. 'He has you, he knows that and it will get him through.'

'I know, but I'm not so sure he trusts me completely yet,' she sighed and buried her face in her hands. 'He questioned me on Mars, about Cerberus, about what they did to bring me back, there is still doubt there I think.'

'He doesn't doubt you anymore, he doubts himself,' Joker shook his head. 'He made a mistake on Horizon and you and I both know he doesn't handle mistakes well, he tends to overthink every decision, especially around you. If I know him well enough he would have been kicking himself all the way back to wherever he went after that fiasco.'

'Commander,' EDI interrupted. 'Dr T'Soni is requesting entry.'

'Let her in EDI,' Karra stood up to face the door.

'Shepard, Joker' Liara looked worried and Karra felt her heart skip a beat. 'I have done what I can for Kaidan, I left his armour on as the medical interface is helping to keep him stable. I believe he will be alright as long as we reach the Citadel quickly.' She paused, as if unsure to say the rest.

'What is it Liara?'

'Kaidan has suffered a serious head injury, I don't know if there will be permanent damage.'

Joker pulled himself up and put his arm around Karra's shoulder. 'He's too stubborn to let something like a head injury keep him down.' He kissed her hair lightly and headed for the door. 'I'll go see if I can shave time of our trip.'

Karra watched him leave and turned to find Liara looking at her strangely. 'Are you and Joker together now?'

'What? No, Joker and I are just good friends. He's like the brother I never had, just like Garrus. They are my rocks when I need one to lean on.'

'You could lean on me Shepard,' Liara sounded almost hurt.

'I know that Liara and I consider you a good friend, but, don't take this the wrong way, Joker is human, he understands the human condition. Garrus is my gun buddy, he understands the emotional and physical side of being a warrior.' She smiled at Liara, 'you, Tali and Kasumi are my friends and if I want to talk girly stuff I come to you, although you are also my information broker, you and I can share secrets.'

Liara smiled at that, 'Thank you Shepard.'

'Commander.'

'Yes EDI.'

'There is a communication from Admiral Hackett.'

'On my way,' she sighed and shook her head, 'no rest for the wicked.' She laughed as Liara gave her a surprised look. 'Just an Earth term Liara, I haven't gone all rogue, not yet.'

All she wanted to do was go and see Kaidan and she was tempted to let the elevator continue to the crew deck. Hackett first then she could sit with him until they reached the Citadel. He wouldn't want her to neglect her duties because of him. They were marines and there was a war on and that had to come first, at least for now.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Please remember that I'm only filling in the in between bits, the missions are covered in wonderful detail in game. I'm just putting in some bits I felt were missing. Let me know if you think I'm doing a good job. Love receiving feedback.**

Bioware owns all - I'm just suffering every emotion under the sun in their universe.

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><p>The last thing Karra wanted to do was see the council but it had to be done. She watched as Kaidan was carried away on a stretcher, her heart crying out to follow but her head keeping her firmly in the role of Commander Shepard.<p>

Captain Bailey, no Commander Bailey now, was speaking to her but she wasn't really listening and he must have realised.

'You have time to go visit the hospital, the council will still be there when you're ready.'

'Thanks Bailey,' she gave him a half smile in apology for her inattentiveness.

'I'll go and let the council know you're coming,' Liara touched her arm and walked away.

Karra made her way to the hospital as quickly as she could without running. Please let him be alive, let him be okay. Her heart was pounding and her hands were shaking as she exited the elevator. She paused in confusion, unsure of where to go, what to do. A familiar face caught her eye and she hurried over to where Dr Chakwas stood in conversation with Dr Michel.

Both tried to reassure her that Kaidan was strong and they were optimistic but he wasn't out of danger yet and they wouldn't know for sure until he woke up. Now they were playing a wait and see game.

She made her way to his room and paused at the door, almost afraid to enter. He was pale and bruised, lying as if asleep but his breathing was shallow and Karra couldn't stop the tears that formed. Standing by his bed she had to fight the urge to take his hand, to hold him and never let go. She wanted to feel his arms around her, to lay her head on his shoulder. Ever so gently she placed her hand over his where it rested on his stomach, the warm hum she always felt from his biotics was missing and that made her more aware than ever how fragile his condition was.

'Kaidan,' her throat was dry and it came out as a rough whisper. She swallowed hard, 'Kaidan, please fight. We need you, this war needs you,' a tear rolled down her cheek and she added softly, 'I need you. Please don't leave me, not now.' She leaned in and placed a light kiss on his lips, 'I love you.'

She stepped back hurriedly as the doctor came into the room, 'we need you soldier so fight.' She turned to leave, 'that's an order.' Without looking back she walked out of the hospital, fighting every urge to turn around and do nothing but sit by his bedside until he woke up. A memory of when he had sat by her bedside after Eden Prime threatened to overwhelm her but she pushed it down.

By the time she stepped out of the elevator and reached the Council chamber she was Commander Shepard again and she had a job to do. Of course there was no support from the council but the Turian ambassador had promised assistance if she helped them first. Why couldn't someone just help her without conditions, just once that would be nice?

During her time on the Citadel she had picked up on a few other things that might give aid to her war effort but first she had to rescue a Primarch. At best that was a bittersweet mission, Garrus was on Palaven and it was getting hit hard, maybe, just maybe she could find him. With a heavy heart and fighting back tears Karra gave the order to leave the Citadel.

At least something good had come of this day, Dr Chakwas was back in med bay, the Normandy had felt bare without her. Even Joker had smiled and been genuinely delighted in his welcome, although he did manage to have a dig about having to take his meds again.

Everything went downhill from there. The Primarch was dead, the Turians had set up a base on the moon Menae and communications were down. Things got better again for a while; Garrus was safe and willing to join them. Karra wanted to hug him and cry with joy but there were battles to be fought. The new Primarch had to be found and convinced to leave his men. There were husks to kill, Marauders that had once been Turians and something new that the Turians called a Brute, that was fun; not! Karra made a mental note to make sure to tell her squad to stay away from those things and hit them from a distance.

And in between all that Joker informed her that the Normandy's systems were malfunctioning so Liara left them to see if she could help. Just a normal day in the life of Shepard really.

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><p>EDI had an idea. Without discussing it with anyone she set to work studying the synthetic body that had been Dr Eva Core. There were possibilities here that until recently wouldn't have occurred to her. So she started digging, looking for the Prothean data that Shepard needed before attempting anything else.<p>

Just as she thought she was getting somewhere the intelligence within the synthetic fought back. In the physical world there would have been punches thrown, shots fired and blood shed but in the world of electronics, pulses and light that was the inner workings of EDI there was simply a battle for control.

EDI put up an electronic barrier that the entity of Eva Core slammed into. EDI pushed back, using the entities disorientation to send an electronic purge into the cpu of the unit, giving her root access and control. But the entity wasn't finished completely and the resulting electronic surge fried connections, overloaded electronics sizzled and burned.

To the crew of the Normandy EDI went dark, the ship lost power, communication and numerous other functions. She was no sooner back on board before Joker's panicked voice alerted Karra who rushed to the AI core to find fire crews waiting.

'I'm going in,' Karra nodded to the two crewmen at her side and waited as they cleared a path for her. 'EDI, talk to me.' She jumped as the power cells around her came to life.

The sound of heels alerted Karra to the presence of someone in the smoke and the form of Dr Cole slowly walked towards her. The crewman at her side raised his firearm, ready to take down this thing that had recently been shooting at them.

'Is there a particular topic you wish to discuss, Shepard?' EDI asked but the voice came from the body that had been Dr Cole.

Karra was flabbergasted and from the look on the faces of the men beside her so were they. The distinctly feminine form was going to be a distraction; Karra could see that straight away. But that wasn't the issue, especially when EDI admitted that it wasn't a seamless integration.

'EDI you need to alert us about incidents like this, you shouldn't have done this alone.' Karra shook her head.

It would take time to accept that EDI was now a physical form that could wander the ship, join them on missions and actually become part of the crew in many ways. Karra was pleased for her but a little disconcerted that EDI had taken it upon herself to do it without safeguards in place. She really needed to have a chat with EDI about what was acceptable behaviour.

Karra couldn't hide the smile as she watched EDI leave and head for the cockpit, she would love to have vid feed of Joker's reaction. Apparently she wasn't the only one.

'Was that EDI that just walked by?' Dr Chakwas asked.

'Yes it was.'

'Joker's going to have a field day with this,' she laughed.

He's not the only one, I can just imagine what James will say Karra thought as she headed for CIC.


	15. Chapter 15

Kaidan struggled to open his eyes. The pain in his arms and legs was unlike anything he'd ever experienced, his shoulders hurt, his head hurt and his eyes didn't want to open. He fought through a foggy disorientation and a memory surfaced.

Mars, Cerberus, shuttle wreck and something that picked him up like he was nothing and Shepard yelling his name. Shepard! He tried to move but his body responded with absolute torture, he felt himself scream in pain but his ears heard nothing but a moan.

'Rest my friend,' a soft voice spoke beside him and a gentle hand rested on his shoulder.

Kaidan couldn't fight the pressure urging him to lie down so he surrendered. The pain stopped as he lay still so he concentrated on opening his eyes. The light forced him to squint and he blinked several times to try and clear the dryness, he felt like someone had filled his eye sockets with sand. Slowly his vision cleared and he found himself looking into a pair of black, soulful eyes.

'Slowly,' the voice again. 'I will get the doctor.'

Suddenly the room was a hive of activity around him as people rushed in. The noise threatened to overwhelm him and he felt darkness threaten the edge of his mind. His eyes closed and he felt himself slipping into oblivion. He fought to stay alert, he needed to know what happened, what was going on. He shuddered as he took a deep breath and his chest felt like it was being crushed.

'Easy Kaidan,' he knew that voice, from somewhere in the back of his mind a memory surfaced, Shepard, medical centre, Garrus, thugs. 'You need to relax, the more you struggle the worse you will feel.'

Kaidan forced himself to calm down, breathing slowly and relaxing his body just like he did after an exhaustive training bout. Gradually the darkness vanished and he felt in control again. He opened his eyes this time to see Dr Michel looking back at him.

'Welcome back,' she smiled. 'We thought we'd lost you for a while there.'

'What….' He couldn't speak through the dryness in his throat and he felt a straw placed between his lips. He drank the water eagerly and felt some kind of sanity returning. 'Where am I?'

'The Citadel, Huerta Memorial Hospital.' Dr Michel spoke softly. 'You were brought here after the Mars mission.'

'Shepard!' Kaidan couldn't help the panic in his voice.

'Your siha is fine,' that soft voice again and Kaidan turned to look at its owner. A Drell stood by his bed, concern on his face, at least that what Kaidan assumed it to be.

'Thane.'

'You know me?' he seemed surprised.

'Only through Shepard's reports.' Kaidan turned back to Dr Michel, 'What's going on, doc?' He still didn't feel coherent but he needed to know.

'I will leave you to the doctors but I will return later if you have no objection,' Thane bowed as Kaidan nodded ever so slightly and left the room without a sound.

Dr Michel proceeded to tell him about his condition, fractured bones, head injuries, severe bruising and strain over most of his body and damage to his biotics. That was when he realised that he didn't feel the gentle warmth that came from his ability. She assured him there was no permanent damage but he should refrain from using them for a while.

'At least you've answered one of our concerns,' Dr Michel looked at the monitors above his head before meeting his eyes. 'We were afraid the head injury may have done some major damage. What do you remember?'

'I remember Mars, Cerberus was there.'

_Guilt at the memory of doubting Karra yet again after everything he'd learned._

'There was a shuttle crash, Vega making sure Cerberus didn't leave. Dr Cole, she wasn't human, some sort of synthetic.'

_Karra yelling his name._

'She, it lifted me, I remember I thought I was going to die.'

_Regret, he'd wasted too much time, had too many doubts and he would never have the chance to tell Karra he loved her. _

His breath caught in his throat as he realised he had been given a chance to make it right.

'Your short term memory seems intact, tell me something from your past,' she was watching him intently.

'I remember Sovereign, the battle for the Citadel, Shepard dying on the Normandy,' that memory still hurt and he couldn't stop the emotion from showing on his face. 'The collectors taking colonists and Shepard coming to the rescue.' He grimaced as he thought about how he'd accused her on Horizon, how he hurt her. 'Is that enough for you, doc?' he looked up at her to see tears in her eyes.

'I'm sorry you don't have happier memories Major,' she sighed and checked the monitors again. 'I need you to rest now. Your body needs to recover and it's going to take time so please try not to be impatient. If it helps Commander Shepard is fine, has been here to check on you, even ordered me to give her live access to your medical records, which I couldn't do. I'm sure she will be back very soon. I guess you can handle one or two visitors. '

Kaidan gave her a slight nod and closed his eyes. He felt exhausted, damaged and emotionally drained. He could rest now though, Karra was alive, she was alright. He still had a chance to tell her how he felt, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. The soothing darkness of sleep slowly claimed him and he gave himself willingly into its arms.

It was several hours later when he awoke to a soft whispering of what sounded like a prayer. He opened his eyes to find Thane sitting at his bedside, his eyes closed and his hands clasped before him. As if sensing his awakening Thane sat up and met his eyes.

'I apologise if I woke you,' he spoke softly.

'No, you didn't,' Kaidan tried to move but everything still hurt so he forced himself to stay still. He nodded as Thane held a glass of water before him and drank deeply before lying back and taking a good look at the Drell. 'Why are you here?' It came out sharper than he had intended but Thane simply smiled.

'Because your siha is my friend and you are her heart.' Thane sat and looked at him. 'I could not go to my death knowing I failed her if anything happens to you while she is not here. I also would like to know the man who stands within the heart of Shepard.'

'Siha?' Kaidan frowned.

'Warrior angel, protector. These are probably the closest words you have to describe the meaning.'

'Fits I guess,' Kaidan sighed. 'I don't know about being her heart though, I think I lost that some time ago.'

Thane suddenly sat upright and his eyes seemed to glaze over, 'I knew from the first moment I met him that he is my heart and soul, every breath I take. If I don't have him I have nothing. I only hope when all this is over it's not too late, that he still loves me and wants to be with me, otherwise I have nothing to fight for, to live for.' His eyes closed and re-opened and he met Kaidan's worried stare. 'I apologise again, a memory of a conversation I had with Shepard during one of our quieter moments. I believe that you still have her heart and I also believe that she still has yours.'

'Eidetic memory, I remember reading about that,' Kaidan turned to look out the window. 'Yes, she does still have my heart but so much has happened, so much has been said, mostly by me unfortunately. There is hurt there.'

'Hurt can be healed, words can be forgotten and if there is love then there is hope. Shepard needs you as much as you need her, without each other you are not complete.' Thane watched as Kaidan turned back to him. 'Would you like me to tell you of Shepard during your time apart?'

'Yes, I would like that,' Kaidan settled himself comfortably and saw the woman he loved through Thane's eyes. Eventually he fell asleep to the soft drone of Thane's voice and for once his dreams were not haunted by flames and despair.


	16. Chapter 16

Karra slumped into her chair and threw the datapad with the latest round of requests onto her desk. Diplomats, she really could do without them. They were enough to drive a normal person to drink. Again she was caught in the middle of you help me and I'll help you negotiations and while she was happy to help Wrex get his females back the Salarians were giving her a headache. The Turians were backtracking on the idea of the Genophage, but they wanted the Krogans on Palaven. She simply wanted help for Earth, for the galaxy. Why did it have to be so difficult to get it?

Sure, she could understand their need to protect and fight for their own worlds but their one hope, the Crucible, needed everyone to work together or there wouldn't be any worlds left. By the time she'd finished playing politics it may be too late.

Why did Anderson think she could handle this? She ran her hands through her hair and rested her head on the back of her chair. She was tired, she was frustrated and she was worried about too many things.

'Commander,' Dr Chakwas buzzed through the com. 'I have news of Kaidan.' And that worry was overshadowing everything else as much as she tried to push it aside.

Karra felt her heart stop and her hands started shaking, 'How is he?'

'He's awake and he's going to be fine,' Karra could almost hear the smile on the doctor's face.

She let out the breath she hadn't realised she was holding and she couldn't stop the tears that formed.

'He won't be his normal self physically for a few weeks yet but he's out of danger. Dr Michel has allowed limited visitors if you want to go see him.' Dr Chakwas waited for a response but none came. 'Commander, are you alright?'

'Yes, and thank you,' it was almost a whisper but Chakwas heard it.

'I'll keep you posted,' and the com link was broken.

Relief flooded over her and she couldn't stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks. Kaidan was awake, he was going to be alright. She rested her arms on her desk and lowered her head onto them, letting the tears flow in sweet release.

'Commander?' Joker's voice snapped her awake, she didn't know how long she dozed for but her neck was tight and her arms almost numb.

'What is it Joker?' she tried to shake of the half-awake confusion.

'You okay? I've been trying to raise you for almost ten minutes.'

'Yeah, nodded off, sorry.' She stood up and rolled her neck and shoulders to release the tension.

'Sorry, if I'd known I would have given you a bit longer,' he sounded concerned. 'We'll be at Sur'kesh in fifteen.'

'Thanks Joker, please tell Wrex, Garrus and James to be ready.'

'Aye ma'am.'

Karra walked the length of her quarters, stretching to loosen tight muscles in her back and legs, just how long had she been asleep. Her terminal was flashing to indicate new messages so she sat back down and opened her mail. There was a message from Kaidan, he wanted to see her.

Doubt flared. Did he want to see her because he still cared for her or was he going to tell her he still didn't trust her, couldn't be with her? No, she wouldn't think that way. Hadn't they planned to have dinner before everything went to hell? Hadn't he told her on Mars that he did trust her? She took a deep breath and shook of her irrational thinking. She had a mission to handle and needed to think straight. She needed a shower.

First though:

_Kaidan,_

_I am really glad you're okay, you had me worried for a while. Will come see you when I get back to the Citadel, currently playing diplomat between the Krogan, Turian and Salarian. And all without a gun, what fun!_

_Love._

_Karra_

She hit send and forced herself into the shower and suddenly realised she had signed 'love' to the message. Her brain kicked into overtime as she tried to remember if either of them had signed their recent messages that way. Probably not as most were to do with Alliance business. Well, it was too late now and she wondered what he would read into it. With a shrug she pushed the thoughts aside, finished her shower and put on her Commander Shepard face. She had to be ready for whatever was going to hit them today but was an easy mission too much to ask for.

Karra knew she'd jinxed herself by the time they landed on Sur'Kesh. Wrex wasn't prepared to play nice and almost got himself shot. Cerberus arrived and at least she got to shoot them to ease some of her frustration. Mordin was Wrex's inside source and it was great to see him again, even better that he would be travelling with them to Tuchanka. And she got to meet a female Krogan who put Wrex in his place and could handle a gun. That was fun to see.

Back on the Normandy Karra had a wonderful conversation with Eve, Mordin had named her after Earth mythology and it seemed that she was the only hope for the Krogan future. A big responsibility that Karra could relate to. Mordin assured her that he could synthesize the cure for the Genophage, thus curing the Krogan race of a death sentence that had hung over their heads for more than a thousand years.

Just when things were looking up Primarch Victus informed her of another problem. His son's platoon had gone down on Tuchanka, they were on a classified mission and no amount of persuasion could convince the Primarch to give Karra the details. As they were heading for Tuchanka anyway she agreed to help find him. And of course Wrex had his own problems that needed her help, a scouting party that had not reported in that apparently had discovered Rachni. Really? The Queen she released had promised to disappear, her gut churned and she suddenly got a very bad feeling that something was wrong.

As if that wasn't enough Traynor had picked up on a distress call from Grissom Academy that was not what it seemed and the students needed rescuing. Did this to do list never end? But first she had something she needed to take care off.

'Joker, finish the system scans then head for the Citadel.' She stood behind him in the cockpit.

'Aye, aye, ma'am.' He looked up at her with a grin, 'The galaxy can wait until after you've seen Kaidan. Really, Commander, you need to get your priorities right.'

'I am,' she tried to look hurt but he didn't believe it for a minute. 'We need to gather war assets and the Citadel has lots of those.'

'One in particular lying shirtless in a hospital bed,' Joker laughed and she flicked the brim of his hat.

'Just get us there,' she turned and walked away to the sound of his chuckling. She felt like a great weight had been lifted and she wasn't going to let anyone spoil that.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: While I am sticking to the in game story line as much as possible I have taken some liberties with scenes and conversations, after all, this is my Karra Shepard and this is how I would have liked it to happen. Hope you're still enjoying it and thank you so much for adding me to your favourites and alerts. This chapter turned out a bit longer than expected but I guess it needed to be.**

Bioware owns all - even my heart sometimes.

* * *

><p>Her stomach churned as Karra stepped out of the elevator into the hospital lobby. She glanced around and a movement to her left caught her eye. With a smile she walked to where Thane was going through the distinct movements of his Drell training, the fast flowing movements he had taught her that helped her focus before a fight. He finished his final stretches and turned to face her.<p>

'Commander,' he gave her what passed for a smile. 'I am glad you could come. When I heard about Earth I tried to contact you but without success.'

'Thane, glad to see you're staying in shape.' she grasped his hand as only friends could but he pulled her gently into a hug. It took her by surprise but she felt comfort and support in his light touch. 'I got your message, is everything alright?'

'Yes,' he led them to seats by the window. 'I just wanted to make sure you were safe.'

'How are you, Thane?'

'My allotted time has come and gone and Kepral's Syndrome has put a hold on most of my plans.'

'I am back on the Normandy on an important mission, I could use you.'

'I am not what I once was,' Thane shook his head. 'I need constant medical care and I have no doubt that you will want to fight the Reapers. I can be of no help to you. I would be more of a burden.'

'You have many skills I could use other than your fighting abilities.' She sensed his disappointment.

'There comes a time when one must rest from war and conflict, Shepard. It is not your time but it is mine.'

'How long do you have left?' It was a difficult question to ask.

Thane chuckled, 'That depends on who you ask. I am not unhappy with my life, Shepard, I feel free and I have no responsibilities, it is a good end to a life.'

'Are you in a lot of pain?'

'At times, but nothing I cannot handle. Do not worry for me, I have good doctors and I see my son often.'

'I wish only the best for you Thane,' Karra fought to hide the tears that were building.

'And I for you Shepard,' he stood and took her hands in his. 'And now I'm sure you will want to see Kaidan.'

'You know Kaidan?' she raised her eyebrows in surprise as she got to her feet.

'Yes, we have spoken. He is an honourable man and I can understand why he has your heart and why you have his. I have been watching over him, your enemies may try to harm him to get to you.'

'Yes he is an honourable man but I'm not so sure I have his heart anymore even though he still has mine.' Karra stared at the floor so Thane couldn't see the pain in her eyes.

'You doubt too much, neither of you is complete without the other. He loves you still as you love him.' He lifted her chin to meet her eyes. 'Time is short Shepard, don't waste the opportunities that are placed before you.'

'Thank you, Thane.' She gave him a weak smile. 'We can keep in touch and I will try to come and visit again.'

'That would be nice,' he gave her hands a soft squeeze before releasing them and watching her walk away.

Karra walked into Kaidan's room and stopped. A bank of monitors played a sad, soft dirge of multiple sounds behind his head, images flickered and an occasional beep seemed out of place. Her eyes came to rest on the man in the bed. His eyes were closed and he appeared relaxed, asleep. She thought about leaving and coming back later but her feet refused to move. She took in the detail of him, soaking him up like a sponge that had been dry for too long.

His face was no longer swollen beyond recognition but there was still bruising there. He looked older, there was a touch of grey in his hair and she had a strong feeling that her death may have been responsible for his aging. She moved down his body with her eyes, noticing the improved build of his chest, arms, shoulders and abdomen. Warmth flooded through her as she thought of those strong arms wrapping around her, holding her, supporting her. She wanted to run her hands over the muscles that were new to her, to feel the power within, to touch the tight, well-formed skin. She wanted to hold him and never let go. Was it too late? She jumped as he took a deep breath and she looked up into hazel eyes full of raw emotion; love, want, regret. And then it was gone as he became fully awake.

'Hey, Shepard,' he slowly moved into a more upright position. 'I'm glad you came.'

'Hey, Kaidan, how are you doing?' Karra moved to the side of the bed and pulled up a chair, her arms rested on her thighs and her hands brushed the edge of the bed.

'Been better, doc says I have a few weeks yet before I'm back to normal.' He sounded exhausted and Karra dropped her head so he didn't see the fear in her eyes. 'Hey,' he grabbed her hand gently, 'I'll be okay.'

'You almost died on my watch, Kaidan,' she looked up at him through moist eyes. 'I thought I ...we'd lost you.'

'I'm still here,' his grip on her hand tightened. 'It wasn't your fault, stop blaming yourself.'

Karra gave a half laugh, 'You still know me too well, Kaidan. I've gone over it a thousand times, if only I'd moved faster, taken the shot. Sent you to the shuttle instead of James.' She sighed and stared out the window, 'I wish I could have done anything so you didn't have to go through this.'

'Shep…Karra, it wasn't your fault.' He twined his fingers through hers and she couldn't help the tremor that passed through her. 'Look at me, Karra,' he waited until she met his eyes. 'We've both been soldiers long enough to know things like this happen. There are no 'what ifs' in our line of work only 'what is'. I don't blame you. I know the risks every time I put on my armour, just like you do. If it's meant to happen it will.'

'Joker said you'd see things that way,' she tightened her fingers around his.

'I sometimes think Joker knows us better than we know ourselves.' He gave a soft chuckle then looked at her through concerned eyes. 'I need to know, Shepard. Are we good, after everything, after Horizon. I care about you and I would like to think that we are still friends, maybe more than friends.'

'We're good, Kaidan. We've been through a lot together, you don't forget that easily. I care about you too and I'd hate to lose your friendship, more than friendship.'

Kaidan looked at the woman before him and wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her forever. Karra looked at the man before her and wanted nothing more than to hold on to him and never let go. But neither said what they were really feeling, there was an almost physical tension around them but neither was sure about the other and so they stayed quiet.

'So, Major, huh. Give me the details.' Karra needed to lighten the mood, to regain her equilibrium. The feel of his hand in hers, his eyes meeting hers, the sound of his voice, all of these combined made her feel giddy, lightheaded in a good way. She wanted to squeal with joy at the thought that their relationship was still a possibility, a reality. She listened as he told her about his Special Ops squad, about being a teacher. She was so proud of him.

'It was great to have you back on the Normandy, having my back.' She smiled and added, 'Spectre as well, huh. Still thinking about it?'

'Yeah, I have a good role model to follow,' he grinned at her as she started blushing. He remembered how he'd always been able to do that, having that effect on her had always made him feel special, made him realise that she cared for him. His heart skipped a beat at the thought of being with her again, of holding her, loving her. If he'd been able he would have jumped for joy at the realisation that it wasn't too late, there was still hope there.

'You said your implant got rattled, are your biotics okay?'

'Yeah, doc wants me to lay off using them for a while, but they'll be fine. I've found a new doctor who's fascinated by the L2s, has me on this regimen of some concoction and acupuncture. My biotics have never been as good, maybe things get better with age.'

'Or you have,' the words slipped out before Karra could stop them but rather than regret them she simply smiled.

'Are you flirting with me, Shepard?' he chuckled. 'Wait, don't answer that, let me live in the illusion.'

She grinned and squeezed his fingers which were still intertwined with hers. 'Have you heard from your family?'

'No,' he was serious now. 'They were heading out to the family orchards on the day of the attack. I'm hoping dad's Alliance training will keep them safe. I'm sure they're as worried about me too.'

'Are we going to be able to get past Horizon?' There, it was out. Karra cringed inwardly and steeled herself for the answer, was there still doubt, did he still trust her. The huge elephant that had been sitting on the edge of the bed stood up and turned towards the door.

'I like to think we can. I was an idiot, I admit that. I still don't think I was wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you.' He sighed and looked at their hands still linked together. 'It took me a long time to get over you dying, in reality I don't think I ever did. Then there you were in front of me, I should have held on and not let go but I let pride get in the way, hell, I let everything get in the way. I hope you can forgive me for that.' He closed his eyes so she wouldn't see the tears that were so close to falling.

'Kaidan,' she watched him open his eyes, moist just like hers. 'I understand, I forgave you a long time ago, this is the first chance I've had to tell you that.' She felt a tear roll down her cheek and she brushed it away. And the elephant left the room.

'Thanks, Karra,' his voice trembled with pent up emotion and he sighed as if a great weight had been lifted. 'Your friend Thane told me not to waste time and I'm starting to believe he was right.'

'Thane was right about a lot of things,' she laughed and it was the sweetest sound Kaidan had heard in a long time. As reluctant as she was Karra knew she had to leave. Slowly she stood up and released his hand, but not before raising it to her lips and kissing his fingers lightly. He sucked in a breath and it pleased her greatly that she could still do that to him.

'I have to go, but I'll come back as soon as I can.' She met his eyes and saw genuine happiness, relief, joy staring out at her. 'Get well, Kaidan. We need you out there, I need you out there with me.'

'Is that an order, Commander?' he grinned at the joy, relief, happiness he saw in her eyes.

'You outrank me, Major, I don't think I can give you orders anymore.'

'That depends on the order,' he raised an eyebrow and watched her blush again. 'Take care out there Karra, and make sure you come back to me this time.'

'Aye, sir,' she chuckled and gave him a mock salute before turning and leaving the room with a grin on her face that she was sure made her look like an idiot. But right then she didn't care, there was hope, possibility, love, and that was all she needed to know.

Thane watched her from where he sat in the shadows and sighed with relief. The galaxy needed Commander Shepard, not a half broken, distracted, heartbroken one but a committed, strong warrior who had something to fight for. That was the Commander Shepard he knew and loved, the one who just walked out to take on the Reapers, the one he knew could guide them to winning this war. He could die in peace now, knowing she was whole again, knowing his siha was there to protect those who need protecting.


	18. Chapter 18

Kaidan couldn't wipe the smile off his face. He raised his hand to his face, he could still feel her touch, smell her scent. His emotions were out of control and for the first time in his life he didn't want to pull them in, to stop the torrent of euphoria that rushed through him.

He had always been someone who needed to keep control, keep perspective, since BAaT he had never let his emotions run wild, never lost control. But right now he didn't have to hold his emotions in check, there was no threat of him losing control of his biotics, no-one to be put in danger. It was a strange feeling to let his heart rule his head but he gave in and let himself get swept away.

Shepard had forgiven him even though he really hadn't forgiven himself. There were still feelings there, still hope. The touch of her hand, her smile, the touch of her lips on his fingers, all conspired against him. He realised that Thane had been right, he was incomplete without Karra, his life had been nothing but putting one foot in front of the other, not feeling, not really caring about anything since she died. And just when he was starting to care again along came Horizon.

His stomach churned as he thought about how close he had come to destroying any chance of a future with her. What he'd said, what he'd done, but she had forgiven him. He realised that he had forgiven her too, for dying, for not finding him. But that hadn't been her fault, she hadn't lied to him, others had. It was as if fate had tried to keep them apart and for a while it had, but no more.

'From the cheesy grin on your face I'd say Shepard's been to see you.'

'Joker,' Kaidan looked towards the door to see a familiar face and cap. 'How long have you been standing there?'

'Not long, you look like shit,' he chuckled and moved to the chair by the bed. 'I gather you two have worked things out.'

'Thanks,' he grimaced, then, 'Working on it,' Kaidan took Joker's offered hand as he sat down. 'I didn't know whether you'd want to see me, after everything.'

'What, you mean after you being a complete ass, putting Shepard through hell, and generally being an all-round idiot.' Joker watched the emotions playing across Kaidan's face and realised that there was as much pain in his heart as there was in Shepards. 'You know she was a mess for quite a while. She came back from the dead and couldn't find you and when she did you turned your back on her, on everything you two had between you.'

Kaidan scowled at him, 'I know I hurt her, but what was I supposed to think. How many people have come back from the dead after two years? I know the truth now but then I was just angry and hurt. And Cerberus, come on, even you have to admit that was a hard pill to swallow after everything we saw.' He stared long and hard at Joker, 'Why did you join Cerberus? How could you do that?'

Joker met Kaidan's stare and was silent for a moment but the truth had to come out sooner or later. 'I did it for her, I knew they were trying to bring her back to life.'

'You knew and you didn't tell me!' Kaidan was stunned. 'I thought we were friends.'

'We were, still are I hope,' Joker shook his head. 'I couldn't tell you because I knew what you went through when she died, I wasn't going to put you through that a second time. By the time I knew they were successful you'd disappeared and I couldn't find you. I sent you messages but I kept getting them back.' He stared across Kaidan's bed and looked out the window. 'I've since found out that the Illusive man was responsible for that. He was responsible for a lot of things, including both of you being on Horizon.'

Kaidan opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. His jaw clenched as he thought about everything and everyone that had come between them. He blamed himself as much as anyone for letting it all get in the way. But he couldn't help who he was, how he felt, what he believed in. Although if he was honest he believed in Shepard, had since the first day they met. He'd forgotten that in his anger, hurt and disappointment.

'I'm glad you were there for her, Joker,' Kaidan sighed.

'So am I,' Joker looked back to Kaidan. 'She's had some pretty bad moments, nightmares and stuff. With everything she's been through I'm surprised she's still sane.' He frowned before continuing, 'I know you'll probably not like hearing this but there have been many nights when I've held her while she slept because it was the only way she could sleep.' He held up his hands at Kaidan's angry stare. 'That's it, she needed the comfort and I figured it was better me than someone else, although there were others who would have been willing. Just saying,' he laughed as Kaidan's glare deepened. 'It should have been you, she wanted it to be you. Most nights she slept with your picture on her pillow.'

Kaidan's frowned vanished. 'If we're being honest I need to know if you sent me the data files and linked me in to the live feed from the Normandy.'

'What? No, how….'Joker stopped and thought for a moment then opened his omitool. 'EDI.'

'Yes, Jeff,' a sexy female voice responded and Kaidan raised his eyebrows at Joker.

'Did you send Major Alenko data files and live feed?'

'Yes, Jeff. I thought it would help the Major better understand Shepard's situation and lead to a reconciliation and help to heal them both. I also provided Shepard with the Major's files.'

'What?' Kaidan spluttered.

'Commander Shepard asked to see all files regarding Major Alenko since the destruction of the SR-1 so I assisted her in locating them.'

'What type of files are we talking about here, EDI?' Joker couldn't stop the chuckle as he watched Kaidan go from surprise to anger to confusion.

'Everything, personal logs, psych reports, mission logs and anything publicly available.'

'You know Shepard's not going to be happy about this, I wouldn't mention it EDI,' Joker cut the link and waited for Kaidan to say something.

'Who was that?'

'That was EDI, the Normandy's AI.'

'But AIs are illegal. Shepard let an AI on her ship,' he found it difficult to comprehend that a computer had sent him information because it wanted to see him and Karra together.

'EDI is different, she sentient, aware. She is constantly adjusting herself to fit in with organics, with a lot of help from Shepard.' Joker grinned, 'And you should see her new body, certainly makes the cockpit a happier place to be.' He made and hourglass movement and raised his eyebrows and Kaidan couldn't help but laugh.

'It seems I've missed out on a lot.'

'Yeah, you've seen the logs apparently but you should have been there. When Shepard took down that Thresher Maw on Tuchanka, all because Grunt was going through puberty, man, I've never seen celebrations like they had that night, she even drank ryncol so other Krogan clans would accept her.' Joker laughed as he remembered. 'You know she's a hero on Tuchanka now, there was even talk of a statue.'

Kaidan laughed, 'I bet she loved that idea.'

'She told Wrex that if he put up a statue of her she'd come back and shoot him.' Joker shook his head.'

'I believe you've had a taste of the excitement too, shooting at collectors if I recall.' Kaidan raised an eyebrow at Joker who chuckled.

'Holy shit that was a close call. Ship about to explode, the squad running for their lives, Shepard almost not making it.' Joker shuddered as he remembered. 'But we made it out and we made history by going through the Omega 4 relay and coming back.'

'Only because you're the best pilot in the galaxy,' Kaidan grinned.

'Of course.' Joker gave a mock bow. 'You think that was good you should see me on the approach to Omega, do you know that place is surrounded by asteroids. And speaking of Omega did you see the log of Shepard going to get Archangel, who turned out to be Garrus.'

Kaidan listened happily as Joker related their adventures with great embellishment. He had missed the conversations they used to have and he was hoping that they would have many more and he would be included in the next round of tales to be told. After all there was a war to be won and if anyone was going to have a chance at winning it was Karra, along with the Normandy and her crew. He wanted to be a part of that crew, to stand beside Karra, to watch her back. His grin was back as he listened and thought about being with her again. He felt like he was coming out of a dark tunnel and finally seeing light at the end of it and standing in that light was Karra with her arms open in welcome.


	19. Chapter 19

Shepard heard James grunt behind her as Jack slugged her in the jaw. Her head flicked back and she felt a moment of pain, Jack had pulled the punch but it still hurt.

'Cerberus, Shepard' Jack yelled. 'I told you they couldn't be trusted!'

Shepard wriggled her jaw, 'you're not telling me anything I don't already know but that's in the past now.'

'As charming as ever,' Garrus chuckled as he came up beside Shepard.

'Good to see you to, Garrus,' Jack threw back.

'You look good, Jack,' Shepard smiled and looked up at the students on the balcony above. 'Seems your new life agrees with you.'

'Hmph, yeah. Had some free time while you were off saving the galaxy and the Alliance gave me a job.' Jack responded. 'We getting out of here or what? I need to get my guys to safety.'

Shepard chuckled, 'Your guys?'

'Yeah, guess they are.'

Cortez chose that moment to warn Shepard that they were running out of time. Ordering him to return to the Normandy she trusted that they would find another way out. With help from Kahlee Sanders they managed to work their way through the academy.

Shepard glanced around a corner and turned to Garrus and James with a maniacal grin on her face.

'Shepard?' Garrus peered around the corner and shook his head.

'What's going on?' James looked from one to the other in puzzlement.

'I'm allowed to have fun sometimes,' she shrugged and in one movement stepped through the door and shot the Cerberus Engineer. With a laugh she ran forward and climbed into the empty Atlas.

'Way to go, Commander,' James laughed and Garrus gave him what he believed was a 'don't encourage' her look.

She had destroyed these things so many times it was a nice change to be in control of one. The screen was shattered but the machine itself was still in working order and fully armed. She couldn't control the urge to laugh as she marched the Atlas up the steps and into the fray. Garrus and James stayed close behind, feeling the vibrations as Shepard fired rockets and guns at the Cerberus troops who were completely taken by surprise. They could hear her laughing and they both chuckled as they rolled into cover and took down their fair share of troops. Even with the Atlas on their side it was still one hell of a fight, but eventually they were safely on board the shuttle and heading for the Normandy.

Joker was ribbing Jack over the comm as they headed back to the Normandy when he realised that her language had taken a turn for the better. Shepard laughed at the grimace on Jack's face as Kahlee explained about Jack not swearing in front of the students. Joker guffawed loudly at that and mentioned something about a swear jar and the price of a cruiser.

That was enough for Jack, 'Kiddies cover your ears.' She raised her eyes to the sky as if she could see Joker through the distance between them and proceeded to give him a mouthful.

'You look happy, Jack,' Karra smiled at her over the glass in her hand. They had managed to find a quiet moment to share a drink and fill each other in on what had been happening in their lives and they were both a little less than sober. 'Being a teacher suits you, these kids can learn a lot from you.'

'Yeah, maybe,' she sloshed her drink around before downing it in one swallow and reaching for the bottle to refill it. 'I hate the thought of them on the front lines but after getting out of Grissom I think you might be right about them being ready. Besides, they had a good teacher before me who gave them some tips on how to handle themselves in battle.' She smirked at Karra, 'I believe you know him, Major Alenko, seems he recommended me for the job.'

'These are Kaidan's students,' Karra eyes widened in surprise but a shadow crossed her face at the thought of him lying injured, almost dying.

'What's going on?' Jack sat forward. 'I know that look Shepard.'

'Kaidan was injured on Mars, he almost died,' she couldn't stop the catch in her throat.

'Where is he?'

'On the Citadel, in hospital. It's going to be some time before he's back to full strength.' Karra gulped down her drink and Jack handed her the bottle.

'So what are you doing out here? Why aren't you with him?'

'Uh, kind of had to come to your rescue,' she pointed out. 'Not to mention there's a galaxy to save.'

'Oh, yeah,' Jack chuckled. 'So when we get to the Citadel you're going to see him and tell him how you feel. Admit it, Shepard, you love this guy, you have for as long as I've known you.'

Karra turned to stare out the window of the observation lounge and wondered for the thousandth time if she should just do that. But for the thousandth time she couldn't decide if either of them were ready or willing to admit to their feelings. The confusion must have shown on her face.

'For fucks sake, Shepard,' Jack leaned towards her, 'don't be a pussy and just tell him and while you're at it you should jump his bones and forget everything else.'

Karra giggled, she needed to stop drinking now. 'Is that your answer to every problem Jack?'

'No but it definitely helps,' Jack laughed.

They both turned as the door opened and James walked in.

'Ah, sorry ladies, didn't realise anyone was in here,' he looked from Shepard to Jack and his eyes lingered on her longer that they should.

'See something you like, soldier boy,' Jack met his gaze.

He cleared his throat nervously as colour travelled up his neck and onto his face, 'nice ink,'

Shepard laughed and Jack stood up and moved to stand before him, 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours.'

James opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it again, he glanced at Shepard who chuckled and stood up.

'You started this, James,' she moved through the door. 'I'll see you later, Jack.'

'Hey, Shepard,' Jack looked past James as Shepard stopped and turned around. 'Don't waste time, none of us know how much we have left.'

Shepard nodded in agreement and headed for the lift.

'Now, soldier boy, are you going first or am I?' Shepard laughed as the door closed on James stuttering something about 'psychotic biotic'.


	20. Chapter 20

Kaidan was checking the latest round of reports and messages when a commotion outside made him look up. The door to his room opened and a heavily tattooed, almost clothed woman walked in followed by six of his students from Grissom Academy. A smile crossed his face as the nurse tried to stop them from entering.

'There are too many of you,' the nurse was beginning to sound frantic. 'The Major is not up to so many visitors.'

'Don't get in my way,' the tattooed woman scowled and her hand glowed blue.

'It's alright, Andrea,' Kaidan waved her away and stood up, 'I can handle it.'

Andrea walked away with a huff mumbling something about biotics and their uncontrollable urges.

'Jack I presume,' Kaidan chuckled.

'Yep, these guys wanted to come and check on you but didn't think they'd get in by themselves.' Jack looked him up and down before meeting his eyes and he was glad they'd let him get dressed today. 'Guess I can see what Shepard finds attractive.'

'Thanks, I think,' he laughed and looked past her to his former students. 'It's great to see you guys, but what are you doing here?'

'Commander Shepard told us you'd been hurt, we wanted to make sure you were okay,' Prangley spoke for the group. 'Jack wanted to come along to check you out, something about making sure you were good enough for Shepard. Ow!' he yelled as Jack punched his arm and the other students laughed.

'Laugh it up,' Jack gave them a mock scowl. 'You could all do with some extra barrier training.'

'How did you get here?' Kaidan frowned. 'I thought everyone had been sent home from Grissom.'

'Some of us stayed to work on Alliance stuff,' Rodriquez shrugged.

'Then Cerberus tried to kidnap us,' Prangley interrupted. 'Commander Shepard came to get us. She can really fight!'

'No shit,' Jack sighed. 'She's not called a hero for nothing.' She gave him a soft slap to the side of his head.

'Anyway,' he continued with a dark glare at Jack, 'We got to travel on the Normandy and meet the crew. Man, I'd love to serve on that ship.' He was excited and Kaidan could relate.

''If you work at it maybe one day you can,' Kaidan smiled at his eagerness. He remembered what it was like to be in awe of someone, he'd been in awe of Shepard since the first day he met her and the crew of the Normandy were just as much heroes as she was. Even now when he loved her there were still times when he found himself in awe of her skills, her ability to read people and know what they needed but he was especially in awe of how beautiful she was.

'What was it like, working with Commander Shepard and being on the Normandy?' someone asked.

Kaidan told them about some of the missions he'd been on as part of the original crew, what it was like to stand beside Shepard, to take part in battles that most people only read about. Using the missions as examples he also gave them tips and advice on how to handle themselves if they were ever in similar situations. By the time he'd finished he had become as much of a hero as Commander Shepard in the eyes of his students.

Jack watched him and couldn't help but admire the way he spoke, instructed, explained and generally cared about their students, answering their questions without hesitation and making sure they understood his responses. She could understand why Shepard would be in love with him, they were a matched pair. Shepard with her aggressive, go get it thinking and him with his logical, tempered attitude. Together they would see the big picture and work as one. She could imagine the fun they'd have in bed to, she had no doubt the Major would look as good out of his uniform as he did in it. They truly belonged together and she hoped they weren't too stupid to miss the opportunity.

'Alright kiddies,' Jack stepped forward and interrupted. She could see that Kaidan was getting tired. 'Time to go, you have a shuttle to catch.' She ushered them out the door.

'Jack,' Kaidan stopped her before she left the room. 'Thanks.'

'No problem,' she looked at him long and hard before adding, 'I'll tell you the same thing I told Shepard, just tell her how you feel, time is something none of us may have a lot of.'

Kaidan nodded and sighed.

'I also told her to jump your bones and forget everything else. If you're lucky she'll follow that advice.' Jack left the room to the sound of Kaidan's laughter.

* * *

><p>Kaidan was standing, staring absently out the window when he heard the door open. Shepard. He knew without looking by the way his body responded to her closeness, the sudden heat in his biotics as he sensed hers. She'd stopped just inside the door and he couldn't help the grin that broke out.<p>

'Shepard, are you staring at my ass?' She'd once admitted to him that she considered it one of his finer assets and he had never let her live that down.

'Really, Major, that would be inappropriate for an Alliance officer,' she chuckled as she moved to stand beside him. She looked up at him and her eyes wandered over his face, 'You're looking better.'

'Feeling better, still not completely healed but if you came to break me out you're too late. They're releasing me in a couple of days.'

'Glad to hear it,' her eyes met his and he felt himself falling into them.

'I accepted Udina's offer to become a Spectre,' he watched as disappointment crossed her face and she turned away to look out the window.

'I thought you might come back to the Normandy, it was great having you back.' She tried to mask the sadness in her voice but he knew her too well. She may have died and come back but there was no doubt anymore that this was the woman he loved and he knew her vulnerabilities, or at least he used to.

'Hey,' he took her hand and turned her towards him but she wouldn't look at him. Gently he reached up and cupped her face in his other hand and he felt her shudder and lean in to his touch before turning to meet his gaze. 'I would love to come back to the Normandy, to you, but I'm not ready yet. I'm going to be out of action for a while so I figured that if I have the power of a Spectre I can help in other ways. I can still have your back, just from a distance.'

She reached up and gently brushed the side of his face with her fingers and he closed his eyes and sucked in a gasp. 'I am so proud of you,' she whispered.

From anyone else it may have been patronising but from her it was heartfelt praise that was obvious when he opened his and looked into hers. It was genuine respect and admiration from one warrior to another, from a friend, a lover. His heart was racing and when she smiled at him his breath caught in his throat.

'So, the second human Spectre,' she dropped her hand and stepped back and he already missed her touch. 'You've earned it and I couldn't think of anyone better for the job.'

'Yeah, apparently there's some sort of ceremony,' he grimaced and she laughed.

'I should go,' she said softly, hesitant to leave. 'We have to go rescue some Turians.'

'I'll see you next time you dock,' she nodded and he watched her walk to the door.' Shepard, be careful out there.'

'Of course,' she grinned at him but was suddenly serious. 'Kaidan, watch out for Udina, I don't trust him.'

He nodded and watched her leave but this time he knew she would be coming back. He just wished he'd kissed her.


	21. Chapter 21

Karra left the hospital feeling both disappointed and elated. Her mood swung like a pendulum as she tried to decide if she was happy or not.

_Happy_: Kaidan was alright and there were still feelings there that were getting harder to hide and control, for both of them.

_Unhappy:_ he wasn't coming back to the Normandy and she hadn't kissed him.

_Happy:_ he was going to be a Spectre, she truly believed that he was the perfect person to become the second human Spectre.

_Unhappy_: it was Udina that put him in that position.

She had a bad feeling about the whole thing. Udina only ever looked after his own interests so what was his interest in Kaidan. A frown creased her brow as she stepped off the elevator on the Embassy level and walked into Udina's office.

'Shepard,' Udina looked up in surprise as she came to stand before his desk and was that fear that crossed his face. 'I suppose you're here about Major Alenko becoming a Spectre.'

'Why Kaidan?' She watched through narrowed eyes as he fidgeted nervously.

'The Major is a good soldier and a good representative of the human race and he's incorruptible.'

Was that a dig at her? She glared at Udina who refused to meet her eyes.

'I would have thought you'd be happy for him,' Udina almost smirked. 'I believe you two were close on the SR-1.' He waved his hand at her in dismissal. 'Don't worry, I will take good care of the Major, so if you'll excuse me I have important matters to see to.'

Karra took two steps forward and leaned on his desk. 'If anything happens to Kaidan because of you I will come looking for you.'

Udina jumped back as she glared at him, 'Is that a threat Shepard?'

'No, just a friendly warning,' she stood up and scowled at him before turning and leaving the room.

The feeling in her gut just wouldn't go away but she had to push it aside and concentrate on the mission at hand. She found Miranda only to discover that she was on the run from the Illusive Man and her sister was in trouble, but her offer of help was declined. She delivered a few artefacts and tech pieces that gained her some additional aid and discovered other items that were needed. Her biggest gain was through Aria who provided her with a mercenary army, once she'd met certain conditions of course. Was nothing ever free anymore?

She wandered into Purgatory for a drink and found James who convinced her to buy some grunts a round of drinks so she didn't seem so elusive and out of reach. She remembered what it was like to be a grunt and be in awe of officers she respected and admired but who didn't give subordinates the time of day. That wasn't the kind of officer she wanted to be so she shared a drink and shook hands and made them believe that she was just one of them.

'That was well done, Lola,' James grinned at her. 'You make being an officer so much more appealing, especially the way you wear that uniform.'

'James,' she gave him a mock scowl.

'Okay, don't get all huffy on me,' he laughed. 'Can't blame a guy for admiring a nice view.'

She was still shaking her head and smiling as she left the bar and returned to the Normandy.

* * *

><p>Mordin was dead.<p>

'Shepard!'

Someone was calling her name. Fighting off shock and despair she raised her head and looked at the devastation around her. Struggling to her feet as the ground rumbled beneath her she almost gave in to the exhaustion that wanted to pull her into sleep. They'd only been planet side for a couple of hours but it felt like a lifetime.

They had fought their way to the Shroud so Mordin could get his cure in place. Using a giant thresher maw had to go down in history as either the smartest thing to do or the craziest. Eve's idea was brilliant but it was up to Shepard, Garrus and James to see it through, to get past the Reaper.

She had run like the devil himself was after her with Garrus and James watching her back as brute after brute dropped before them and the Reaper laid waste with its sickening red beam. And just when she thought she was through to the first hammer the Reaper had dropped its leg almost on top of her. She coughed up dust as she skidded to a stop just as the leg was lifted again. One Hammer down, one to go.

As she looked across the field of battle to the other hammer she realised just how much danger they were in. She ran the gauntlet of Brutes, taking shots as she could, weaving, rolling and ducking her way across the arena. And again the Reaper brought its leg down before her.

'Shepard, you need to activate the hammers,' Wrex yelled in her earpiece.

'There's a Reaper in my way Wrex!'

'Yeah, you get all the fun,' he laughed and she cursed him silently.

The second hammer was activated and Shepard watched as Kalros, the biggest thresher maw she had ever seen shot out of the ground and latched on to the Reaper. She watched in fascination as Kalros dragged the Reaper into the ground and the silence was deafening. The ground rumbled and destruction rained around her as Shepard ordered Garrus and James back to the trucks while she went to help Mordin.

The Shroud was collapsing from the top down and she was terrified when Mordin informed her he had to go up the tower to fix the sabotage the Delatrass had wanted her to conceal. It was the only way to release the cure. He wouldn't be coming back and he accepted that.

'Had to be me, Shepard,' he took a deep breath and gave her one of his half smiles. 'Someone else might have gotten it wrong. Would liked to have run tests on the sea shells'

And now Mordin was dead. Tears blurred her vision and her legs didn't want to work.

'Shepard,' she looked up to see Garrus and James running towards her.

'Run,' she yelled, stumbling towards them and they sprinted for the trucks as the Shroud collapsed around them.

'Mordin?' Eve asked as they doubled over gasping for breath when they finally stopped running.

Karra shook her head and straightened up, fighting back tears and shaking from exhaustion and emotion. Silently they stood together as his legacy floated down around them, a shower of life for the Krogan race, his last precious gift.

Joker was waiting for her when she stepped off the elevator, 'Hey Commander, tough day.'

Karra simply nodded and walked heavily into her quarters. Exhaustion threatened to overwhelm her and she was grateful when she felt Joker's hands working on the clips to her armour. Her spirits seemed to lift with every piece that was removed and with a weak smile of thanks she walked into the bathroom.

The hot water eased her aches and the tears that fell washed away down the drain. She'd lost people before but Mordin was more than that, he was a friend. Memories of Ashley surfaced and she choked back a sob. Why did she have to lose friends? It was hard enough losing soldiers under her command, losing friends was too hard.

Joker waited by the bathroom door with her robe, she'd forgotten to take it with her so she opened the door wrapped in a towel. He could see she'd been crying as he helped her cover up and the weakness in her arms told him how tired she was.

He watched her tie up her robe and he was shocked by how despondent she looked. This wasn't the great Commander Shepard, this was a woman who needed to be held, to be comforted. He had the honour of being a friend who could do that, who she trusted to hold her and be there for her, someone she could let her guard down with. And for all his wise cracking he knew when to be serious.

'Feel better?'

'No,' there was a tremor in her voice and she blinked rapidly.

Joker pulled her into his chest, she was shaking and he knew the tears would follow. 'Do you want me to go?'

She shook her head and sucked in a breath that was a half sob. Joker gently led her to the bed and she curled up as he pulled a blanket over her before lying beside her and holding her against him. He felt her trembling and he stroked her hair silently as she allowed her grief to flow. He knew she needed to cry, not only because she'd lost a friend but also to help her sleep. He could see and feel the exhaustion she'd been carrying for too long. He held her until she lay still, asleep in his arms.

Very slowly he lowered her onto her pillow and stood up. He looked down at her sleeping form and wondered just how long one person could carry the weight of a galaxy on their shoulders before it broke them. She needed someone to lean on and it wasn't him, as much as he enjoyed being able to help her he wasn't who she wanted or needed.

'Damn it Kaidan, where are you when she needs you,' he muttered as he turned out the lights and went back to the cockpit.


	22. Chapter 22

This had to be a nightmare, any moment now he would wake up. Kaidan looked down the scope of his pistol straight into Shepard's eyes and below them the barrel of her gun.

'Kaidan, I can explain,' She lowered her gun and motioned for James and Garrus to do the same, although they stopped halfway, fingers still on their triggers.

Kaidan struggled to comprehend what was happening. If this was a dream why couldn't he wake up?

'She's with Cerberus,' Udina was talking behind him but Kaidan wasn't really listening until he heard those words.

That wasn't true, wasn't possible, she couldn't be, not now. No, she'd promised him and he believed her, he had to believe her or his heart was about to be shattered.

'You've all been fooled, Udina is working with Cerberus.'

Kaidan heard the words. He searched her eyes for some kind of sign, some way to know if this was real. What he saw took his breath away. Her soul was bared, everything she ever felt for him was openly obvious. It was a split second of vulnerability that she allowed him to see but it was quickly covered up and the hard, unflinching persona of Commander Shepard was back.

''I'd better not regret this,' he said softly and turned his back to Shepard.

In his worst nightmare a bullet in the back was the only outcome, but there was no shot, no bullet. So he wasn't dreaming. Focus, he had to focus. Udina was unlocking the console, the Asari Councillor was knocked to the ground, Udina had a gun.

There was a single shot.

* * *

><p>'Shepard?'<p>

Karra couldn't miss the surprise in Kaidan's voice. What the hell was going on? Why did they have their guns pointed at each other? This was like some kind of surreal dream, one she wanted very quickly to escape from. Thane was hurt, possibly dying and now Kaidan had a gun pointed at her, her world seemed to be spinning out of control. Focus, she had to focus.

'I can explain, Kaidan,' she sounded much calmer than she felt. Without hesitation she lowered her weapon and motioned for James and Garrus to do the same. She didn't really notice that neither of them removed their fingers from their trigger.

She heard Udina saying something about Cerberus, that she was working for them but her eyes stayed focused on Kaidan.

'You've all been fooled, Udina is working with Cerberus.'

As much as it scared the living crap out of her that his gun was still aimed at her she understood his need to do that. This was his job and right then she had never admired him more, loved him more or wanted him more. Right then was when she saw the trust in his eyes, there was no more doubt.

'I'd better not regret this,' he said softly and turned his back to her. That told her more than words ever could.

'You won't,' she replied, her words full of emotion aimed at him.

Everything seemed to happen so fast. Udina knocking the Asari Councillor to the floor, pulling a gun. a single shot. Udina collapsed to the floor, an ever increasing patch of red on his chest.

She looked up to see Kaidan lowering his gun, his stance one of disbelief. The small twitch of his eyes the only indication that he felt something.

'Kaidan?' She took a tentative step towards him.

'I'm good,' he slowly relaxed and turned to face her, his eyes meeting hers. There was pain but there was also respect, need and love. And then it was gone, replaced with the calm focus of a soldier responsible for the lives of those in his care.

'We need to get the Councillors to safety and watch that door,' Karra moved quickly but the sound of the door behind them being cut open made them all turn with guns at the ready. Shepard was relieved when Bailey and his men appeared.

'Well Councillors, Shepard here just saved your lives, again.'

'It seems I owe you a double debt of gratitude, Commander,' the Turian councillor approached, 'One for myself and one for Palaven.'

'You don't owe me anything, Councillor. At times like this we stand together,' she was speaking to the Turian but her eyes looked past him to Kaidan.

Bailey proceeded to fill them in on what was happening and organised the Councillor's safety before turning to Shepard.

'The path to the hospital is probably clear if you want to get there.' He sounded worried and Shepard frowned. 'He's lost a lot of blood, the doctors weren't very confident about his chances.'

'Thanks,' she nodded at her squad mates and set off at a run.

Karra walked into Thane's room and couldn't stop the catch in her throat. Kolyat was standing by his father's side and from his stance she knew things weren't good. She watched as they prayed.

'Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand.' Coughs racked Thane's frame as Kolyat continued for his father.

'Kalahira, wash the sins from this one, and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit.'

'Shepard,' it was a whisper as Thane turned to look at her and Karra couldn't stop the tear that ran down her cheek. She took his hand and gently held it, his fingers wrapped around hers. There were no words. She felt Kolyat as he moved beside her.

'Would you join me in a prayer?' he looked at her with sorrow and hope and she nodded as he opened his Drell bible.

'Kalahira, this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention.' Kolyat read and moved the book so Karra could read with him.

'Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve. Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me.'

Thane turned his head and gave a small sigh, his hand going limp in hers. He was gone.

'Kolyat, why did the last line say she?'

'His final prayer was for you, Commander.'

Karra closed her eyes and lowered her head, she remembered all the quiet discussions, the tenderness as he spoke of his son and his beliefs, the friendship they shared and she felt like a shadow had crossed over her soul now that he was gone.

Karra walked from his room and stopped in the corridor. She was lost, she didn't know what to do next. First Mordin and now Thane, how many more? Tears burned behind her closed eyelids and she fought to hold them back. The great Commander Shepard couldn't be seen crying.

A hand gently grasped hers and she looked up into Kaidan's warm brown eyes. Control failed her and tears fell as he pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest. Slowly he led her out of the hospital.


	23. Chapter 23

Kaidan watched as Bailey's C-Sec officers removed Udina's body. He was still trying to comprehend what had just happened, why his world had become a chaotic whirlwind of confusion.

'Shit!' James gave a piece of debris a forceful kick that send it sailing across the floor.

'Garrus?' Kaidan turned to the Turian who said something the translator didn't recognise so Kaidan guessed it wasn't good.

'Thane's not going to make it,' Bailey answered as Garrus stared out over the Citadel.

'Damn,' Kaidan was genuinely sorry to hear that, he'd come to like the Drell.

'Joker,' James was on his omnitool. 'Thane's not going to make it, Shepard's going to be a mess after…'

Kaidan interrupted over James's shoulder, 'I've got this, Joker.'

'About damn time,' Joker almost sounded relieved.

Kaidan turned to leave and found Garrus in his way, a look on the Turians face that made him think twice about pushing past him.

'Kaidan, if you hurt her again I will kill you.' There was no malice in his words just cold hard fact and Kaidan felt a pang of concern followed by guilt that he had caused so many to doubt him.

'And I'll be standing right beside him when he does,' James scowled.

'What the…..?' Kaidan's world was spinning so fast he was finding it hard to hang on.

'She lost Mordin two days ago,' James clarified, seeing the man before him fighting to control his thoughts.

'The Salarian scientist?'

'Yeah, he sacrificed himself to cure the Genophage. Shepard took it pretty hard.'

'Cure the Genophage?' Kaidan looked from James to Garrus in absolute confusion and then realised why they were so angry at him.

He knew Shepard could raise this kind of admiration, respect and guardianship among those who fought with her, he just never expected it to be aimed at him. They were protecting someone they both cared about and for a moment he was jealous, not because they cared enough to be anything more than friends but because he wasn't the one handing out the warning.

He placed his hand on Garrus's shoulder and met the Turian's eyes, 'I've got this.' Garrus simply nodded and stepped aside to let him pass.

'Don't mess this up, pendejo,' James stared at him as Kaidan glanced his way before breaking into a trot and heading for the hospital.

He waited outside Thane's room, leaning against the wall out of the way. He didn't want to intrude on what may be Shepard's last moments with her friend. He knew they were friends and while Thane might have wanted more he had made it quite clear that Shepard's heart belonged to him. Kaidan respected the Drell for his honesty and he had enjoyed their conversations, under better circumstances he and Thane might have become friends.

The door to Thane's room opened and Shepard walked out and stopped. Kaidan pulled himself upright, concerned by the lack of movement and the uncomprehending stare on Shepard's face. She looked lost and confused and he could see she was trying to hold back tears. This was not the Commander Shepard who could take on a reaper and win, this was Karra Shepard a woman desperately in need of comfort and support.

He reached out and took her hand gently in his to let her know he was there but she turned towards him and her eyes held untold pain, regret, hurt. Tears rolled down her face as their eyes met and he could see she was losing control so he pulled her into his chest and wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him as he guided them out of the hospital, her body shaking against him as she cried silently.

Kaidan thought about taking her back to the Normandy but decided against it. Her crew didn't need to see her like this and there were too many people around not to start rumours. She was sobbing as he used his Spectre status to grab a vehicle and get them away from public view. There was only one place that would give them some privacy.

Shepard was pale and silent as he went to help her out of the vehicle and as she tried to stand up she collapsed against him. Now he was really concerned. In one movement he picked her up and carried her into his apartment, laying her gently on the bed then calling Dr Chakwas. While he waited for her to arrive he removed Shepard's boots, pants and outer clothing and tucked her into bed, his hand lingering on her face as he gently cupped her cheek. Her eyes were closed and she seemed to be asleep.

She looked so helpless, so vulnerable. He'd seen her like this once before, after Virmire when Ash died. That seemed like another life, they had both been through hell since then and his one thought right then was that they hadn't been through it together. He regretted that so much it hurt. But there was no going back, they had to go forward and he hoped they could go forward together. He was dragged out of his thoughts by the door chime.

'How is she?' Chakwas asked as she walked in with Joker trailing behind.

'Asleep, I think,' Kaidan ran his fingers through his hair. 'She pretty much collapsed at the hospital but I didn't think she needed to stay there. I'm pretty sure she just exhausted.'

'You did the right thing bringing her here,' Chakwas smiled at him before heading to the bedroom.

'Nice place,' Joker looked around taking in the view of the Citadel over the small garden through the window.

'Spectre apartments for when we're on the Citadel, Shepard has one too but I don't think she's ever used it.'

'You okay, Alenko?' Joker moved to sit down and Kaidan followed him. 'Heard about what happened earlier.'

'Yeah, I think so,' he glanced at the bedroom door. 'How long has she been fighting exhaustion?'

'When doesn't she fight it?' Joker snorted. 'Between playing with politicians, fighting reapers and not sleeping I'm surprised she's lasted this long. The nightmares are the worst of it though,' he leaned forward and sighed, 'Man she's had some bad ones. She's been having them on and off since …., well you know.'

Kaidan was about to say something when the bedroom door opened. He stood up quickly and saw the look of concern on Dr Chakwas's face. 'Doctor?'

'You were right, she is exhausted. This is the worst I've seen her though.' Chakwas shook her head, 'She refuses to give in and eventually her body gives out and with grief on top it's not good. I've given her a mild sedative, she'll hate me for it but I'll deal with that.' She looked at Kaidan, 'She will be out for at least eight hours, hopefully more. Do you want me to have her moved back to the Normandy?'

'No,' he met her eyes before glancing at Joker. 'I'll take care of her.'

'She shouldn't be left alone, you know about the nightmares? On the Normandy EDI keeps a watch on her when she's asleep so one of us can get to her if necessary.'

'Yeah, Joker told me. Don't worry Doctor, I'm not going anywhere.'

Kaidan took the time to have a shower and change into something more casual once the doctor and Joker had left. He settled himself onto the sofa with coffee making sure he could see the bed where Shepard was sleeping and filled out his reports on the days incidents. He hadn't really had time to think about shooting Udina but now it came back to him with a sickening thud. He had shot a councillor in his care. Said councillor was supposedly working for Cerberus but he hadn't seen any proof of that yet. He had trusted Shepard, still trusted her but for his report to be accurate he needed to see the proof.

He sent a request for all files pertaining to Udina to be forwarded to him as the Spectre in charge of the investigation. It was only minutes before he received a data package that was much bigger than he expected. Some of these files dated back to before the Normandy was destroyed. His stomach churned and he had a horrible feeling he wasn't going to like what he found.

'Nooooo!'

Kaidan bolted to his feet, the datapads in his lap clattered to the floor as he reached for a weapon that wasn't there. Then he realised where he was and he took a few deep breaths to slow down his pounding heart and the adrenaline cursing through his system. He must have dozed off.

'No, please!'

Kaidan realised what had woken him and rushed into the bedroom. Shepard was reaching out, tears rolling down her cheeks and wracking sobs shook her body.

'No. Please don't go.'

It was a heartbreaking cry and he knelt by the bed and took her hands in his, feeling the tremors that passed through her.

'Come back, please,' she was whispering now, crying, heartbroken. 'Kaidan, please come back.'

His breath stopped in his throat as he realised she was dreaming about him. Joker hadn't said she dreamt about him, he had assumed she dreamt about her death, about the war, about those she'd lost.

'Kaidan,' she was whimpering now, gasping for breath.

'I'm here,' he held her hand, stroked her face and rested his forehead against hers. 'I'm right here,' he whispered and closed his eyes as she gripped his fingers and instinctively moved towards him, tucking herself in against his shoulder.

It was some time before Kaidan felt her grip release and she settled into a more relaxed sleep. He raised his head and couldn't stop the pain as he saw her red swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks. He suddenly understood Garrus's warning all too clearly and he would willingly stand and take a bullet rather than witness what he'd done to the woman he loved.

With a sound halfway between a groan and a sob he sank to the floor, he folded his arms across his knees and dropped his head. He'd promised to be there for her no matter what, promised to stay by her side whatever happened, promised to be her comfort and support, promised to love her forever. She'd trusted him, believed in him, loved him and he'd broken every promise but one. Silent tears fell as he faced the damage he'd caused.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Apologies to everyone who has been following this story, I have been battling pneumonia for the last two weeks hence the delay in updating. I am back now though so I hope you like the next installment and it shouldn't be too long before more updates. Thanks to everyone who has added me to their favourites list and please let me know what you think - love getting feedback.**

Bioware owns all, I'm just lurking in the corners.

* * *

><p>Shepard gradually came back to awareness. Her eyes remained closed and her thoughts slowly became clearer. She had been given a sedative, why? The groggy depths of false relaxation slowly dissipated and she became aware that she was wrapped in someone's arms, her head resting on a warm solid chest. Joker, he'd come to her rescue yet again, she was beginning to feel sorry for him and she hoped she hadn't broken anything this time.<p>

As her senses slowly returned she realised that something was different. The bed was softer, the sheets softer, the scent of Joker was different. Without moving she opened her eyes and looked at a solid ceiling above. She wasn't on the Normandy.

A sudden panic flared but she quickly reined it in. Still not moving she tried to clear her thoughts to remember what happened. Then she recognised the scent and sucked in a deep breath. A soft musky scent with a hint of sandalwood and gun oil. Kaidan. While being wrapped in his arms was the most wonderful sensation she was still fighting to remember what happened. Why was she wrapped in his arms and where were they?

Thane. She remembered and gasped involuntarily. Her eyes watered as tears formed but she managed to hold them back. She couldn't remember leaving the hospital, when had Kaidan brought her here, wherever here was.

'You collapsed from exhaustion,' Kaidan's husky voice broke into her thoughts. 'This was the closest place without raising questions and concerns. Dr Chakwas gave you a sedative so you'd get some sleep.'

'Where is here?' her throat was dry and rough, the effect of the sedative and she knew she would have a headache by the end of the day, was it day? 'How long?'

'My Spectre apartment and twelve hours,' he spoke into her hair. She hadn't moved away and he hoped she never would. Having her in his arms again was intoxicating, he felt whole for the first time in a long time. He couldn't fight the tightness in his chest, the rush of blood to his groin and the end result. He was glad he'd pulled a blanket over them both so it wasn't obvious.

'So, you decided to take advantage while I was unconscious,' she couldn't help the grin but she still hadn't moved. She felt a fire stir in her gut, heat building and nerves coming to life between her legs, sensations she hadn't felt for such a long time.

'If I'm going to take advantage I'd rather you were awake to enjoy it,' he chuckled but was suddenly serious. 'You had some pretty rough moments while you were sleeping. Joker told me you've been having nightmares.'

Kaidan released his hold as she rolled onto her back. 'Yeah, apparently I get quite upset and physical while I'm sleeping. I've managed to break Joker's arm so far.'

'Joker warned me that you don't settle unless you're being held firmly. You were threshing about pretty badly at one point so I followed Joker's advice.' He looked down at her and he could see that she was upset, possibly embarrassed. 'You should know that you haven't broken anything and I enjoyed every minute of having you in my arms.'

She finally looked up at him and was shocked to see his eyes were red and he looked pale and shaken. It never occurred to her that her nightmares would affect someone else so badly. She reached up and brushed his face with her fingers and he shuddered and closed his eyes.

'I'm sorry you had to see me like this,' she whispered.

'No, don't you dare apologise,' he held her face in his fingers, holding her eyes with his. 'I should be apologising to you, I hate that I am responsible for your nightmares, some of them at least. Shepard, I..'

'Kaidan,' her hand rested on his chest and she marveled at the strength she felt there, his warm brown eyes searched hers, 'You can't control where my subconscious takes me. I dream about some horrible things, most of which I can't remember. Dr Chakwas tells me that my dreams seem to relate to the circumstances at the time. Lately that includes you.'

'Shepard…' he covered her hand with his.

'No Kaidan, this is not the time or place for this conversation.' She smiled and entwined her fingers through his. 'I think I should at least be dressed.'

'If you must,' he grinned and brought her fingers to his lips, kissing them lightly before getting up and moving off the bed. 'Joker brought some clothes over for you, bathroom is through there if you want to use it,' he motioned to the door in the corner of the room.

She nodded and watched him leave the room. He looked a mess, she'd never seen him so disheveled and worn out and she hoped it wasn't entirely her fault. She took her time in the shower, enjoying the refreshing feeling of the water washing away the last of her drowsiness. The smell of coffee and food eventually dragged her into the kitchen.

She smiled as she saw the table set for two and Kaidan working on something in the kitchen. Memories arose of four days of absolute bliss, just the two of them on shore leave after the Citadel, four days before everything was cancelled and they were called back to duty. Kaidan had cooked breakfast every day and she had loved watching him do it. They had been the best four days of her life, their one time together before... A shudder passed through her and regret washed over her. So much wasted time, so many wasted opportunities.

'Hey,' Kaidan watched her standing by the table lost in memory. 'Feeling better?'

'Yes,' she sighed and pulled herself back into the present. 'Smells yummy, what are you cooking?'

'Cheese omelette,' he carried two plates to the table then went back for coffee cups. 'Sit, eat, you need to keep your strength up.'

Karra couldn't stop the grin that broke out, of all the things Kaidan had cooked for them these had been her favourite. She sat down and took a bite and it felt like heaven had exploded in her mouth. She moaned in absolute bliss, how could food taste so good?

Kaidan chuckled as he sat across from her, 'I seem to recall you enjoyed my omelettes.'

'I didn't even know you could cook until that first morning on shore leave. I wanted to keep you naked and cooking forever.'

'I think you succeeded on the naked part,' he smiled and she laughed.

They ate in a comfortable silence and when the last morsel was gone Karra sighed in contentment. She really could get used to this, sitting across from this gorgeous, warm hearted, wonderful man who knew how to touch her heart and he could cook. She would love to wake up in his arms every morning and go to sleep the same way, well, maybe there would be more than sleeping involved. She felt the colour rising in her face so she picked up her coffee and moved to stand by the window.

'Nice view,' she commented as she looked down the arm of the Citadel.

'Yes, it is,' Kaidan said softly as he sat watching her. She was so beautiful and he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life looking at her, holding her, loving her. He moved behind her and slid his arms around her waist, she leaned back against him and he couldn't stop the joy that washed over him.

Karra felt him move behind her, his arms sliding around her waist, his breath in her hair and she leaned into him like it was the most natural thing in the world. This was where she wanted to be, needed to be. Right now she didn't want to think about wars, reapers or anything else, just the feel of his arms around her, his strength at her back. But unfortunately this was a fleeting moment of self-indulgence.

'Kaidan,' she spoke without moving, she wasn't ready to let go just yet. 'Are you okay, after yesterday, after Udina?' She turned in his arms and looked into those warm brown eyes.

'Yeah,' he sighed, met her gaze then rested his chin on her head as he looked out over the Citadel. 'It's strange how things go down and you have to live with yourself afterwards.'

'I could never have shot you, Kaidan,' she buried her face in his neck. 'I'm sorry you had to shoot Udina.'

'No, Shepard,' he pulled back so he could meet her eyes. 'That was my choice, you don't get to bear the guilt for that. I should have seen it, you warned me. I'm a big boy now, I can face my own decisions. And just so you know, I could never have shot you either.'

Karra searched his face, looking for the shy, quiet Lieutenant she had fallen in love with. He was still there, the hint of uncertainty in his eyes, the determination in the clench of his jaw, but there was so much more. Those eyes had seen pain, grief and disappointment but there was a strength that was new, confidence and hope. She found herself falling in love all over again and couldn't wait to explore the changes in the man before her.

'Great Spectres we are,' she chuckled. 'Can't shoot each other so the bad guys get away.'

'Yeah,' he grinned and brushed a lock of her hair back behind her ear. 'I guess we'll have to find a way to work around that.'

'No, we have to make sure it never happens again.' Reluctantly she pulled out of his embrace, time to get back to reality. 'I guess I should go, things to do, people to see, Reapers to kill. My crew are probably wondering what's going on.'

Kaidan nodded and slowly released his hold on her. 'I gave the crew twenty four hours shore leave, thought they might want to check on families, let of some steam before the next round of battle.'

'Trying to take over my ship now, Major,' she gave him a mock frown and he laughed.

'I wouldn't dream of it. I will see you again before you leave.'

'You'd better,' she sighed. 'Thank you for taking care of me, Kaidan.'

'Anytime,' he smiled and brushed her face gently, 'Always.' He slid his fingers into her hair and pulled her towards him, his lips brushed hers ever so lightly before he stepped back and dropped his hand.

'I need to go,' Karra took a deep breath and turned for the door, if she didn't leave now she never would. With a last glance over her shoulder she stepped out into the corridor, back into Commander Shepard.


	25. Chapter 25

Major Kaidan Alenko, second human Spectre hated to admit it but he was nervous. Whatever happened in the next few hours would determine his future, whether that lay with Shepard or not. Admiral Hackett had offered him a position but that wasn't where he wanted to be. Hackett knew that, had known for some time about the relationship between himself and Shepard.

'Major, I would be glad to offer you any position you like,' Hackett had said with a smile, 'but only one person can offer you the position you want. Good luck Major.' He had been about to sign off when he added, 'Kaidan, don't waste time, take the opportunity while you have it to be with the one you love.'

So now he stood in the gangway to the Normandy staring out the window at the ship that held so many memories. Not this ship so much but her predecessor, the one that had gone down taking his lover and his life with it. This ship had brought them back together, for a short time at least but he had been too stupid to take the opportunity it presented, instead those doubts and fears had taken control. Well no more, he had no doubts left, only fear that it was too late.

He thought back to earlier, a shared breakfast, how natural it felt to hold Shepard, to kiss her. She hadn't pushed him away, in fact she had responded to his touch, to his arms around her. It felt so natural, so right, like they were two halves of a whole finally coming together. And now here he was, pacing like an expectant father, waiting to see if she was willing to take him back. The door slid open and he felt his heart stop, but it wasn't her.

'Garrus,' Kaidan watched as the Turian stopped and looked at him hard.

'Kaidan,' Garrus had become pretty good at reading humans and one look at Kaidan told him all he needed to know. 'How is Shepard?'

'She was good when she left my apartment this morning. Bit of a rough night but she got some decent sleep.'

'Good, she needs it,' Garrus moved to look out the window at the Normandy in her berth. 'She needs you Kaidan, she has for a long time now.' He glanced at Kaidan over his shoulder, 'can you be there for her?'

'Yes I can, I always wanted to be but things got in the way.' He moved to stand beside Garrus, 'I love her, Garrus, I always will. I was an idiot and I admit that but I can't change who I am, what I believe in. I am allowed to make mistakes sometimes.'

'You know I wanted to shoot you after Horizon, seeing what it did to her,' Garrus chuckled. 'But Shepard told me she'd kill me if I did. She said that you had to stand up for what you believed in and as much as that hurt she could respect you for that. Me, I would have just shot you.'

'I'm glad you were there for her, Garrus, you and Joker.' Kaidan sighed and stared absently out the window. 'I just hope it's not too late for me.'

'I don't think so, she's been the happiest I've seen her in a while since you two have been talking again.' Garrus straightened up and took a step towards the docking bay doors. 'Don't stuff this up, Kaidan, and don't waste time, we may not have a lot left. If you do I may just have to shoot you after all.'

Kaidan watched the door close behind Garrus and wondered how many more people would tell him not to waste time. He knew he'd wasted too much time already and he really did want to make up for that but did Shepard. Did she still feel the same about him, did she still love him? He was staring absently out the window lost in thought when the door slid open and Shepard and James walked in together, sharing a joke and laughing. Kaidan's stomach churned as he saw her hand linger on James's arm and his hand gently resting on hers. Jealousy flared and he fought to control it.

'Kaidan,' Shepard stopped before him her eyes lighting up and her lips forming a soft smile that he had seen so many times and knew she only smiled like that for him.

'Shepard,' he couldn't stop the half smile that pulled up the corner of his mouth and his eyes met hers with longing that he couldn't conceal.

James had stopped alongside him and stood with his arms folded over his chest, staring at Kaidan not with hate or malice but questioning his intentions and concern for his commander showing plainly on his face.

'James,' Shepard placed a hand on his shoulder, 'It's okay, I'll see you on board.'

'You sure, Lola,' James still hadn't taken his eyes of Kaidan.

'Yes, I'll be fine.' She gave him a gentle push and waited till the doors closed behind him before turning back to Kaidan.

'Seems you have a loyal guard dog,' Kaidan tried to hide the jealousy. 'Or is it more than that?'

'James and I have become good friends, months of spending every day together will build a bond that seems more than it is.' Karra smiled at the thought that he was jealous, even though he had no reason to be. 'I'm glad you came to see me before we left.'

'There's another reason I'm here,' Kaidan took a deep breath and tried to control the shaking in his hands. 'Hackett has offered me a position but I'd turn it down in an instant if there is any chance I can come back on the Normandy. I want to come back to you, if it's not too late.'

Karra didn't say anything she simply gazed at him but he wasn't sure if it was love or doubt in her eyes. His heart stopped and the ground was falling away from beneath him as he realised she was about to refuse his request.

'It's okay,' he said softly, swallowing hard and trying not to let his disappointment show. 'I know I've probably given you enough reason not to trust me and I don't blame you for not wanting to take the chance.' He took her hand in his and met her eyes. 'Stay safe out there Shepard.' He kissed her fingers lightly and started to walk past her to the docking bay door, his heart was breaking and he didn't want her to see that.

'Kaidan,' she grabbed his hand and stopped him but he didn't turn to face her. 'Please, Kaidan, look at me.' She was shocked at the hurt and pain in his eyes when he finally turned towards her. 'I don't want to do this without you, I want you at my back, I've missed having you there. I've missed having you in my life.'

Kaidan was dumbstruck. He'd been so sure she was going to tell him no, his heart soared at the thought that she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

'I thought you were going to say no, you were quiet and I guessed you were trying to let me down gently.' He couldn't hide the tremor in his voice or the shaking in his hands.

'I couldn't believe you wanted to come back, as much as I wanted you to I thought you might still have doubts,' Karra laughed and brushed her fingers along his cheek. 'I didn't want to leave you this morning, the thought of the Normandy leaving without you was hard to bear. If you hadn't asked to come back I would have asked you. We've wasted too much time already, Kaidan, I don't want to waste any more.'

Kaidan held his breath as Karra leaned in and brushed her lips across his. 'Welcome aboard, Major,' she whispered against his cheek. 'You'd better get your gear stowed away.'

'Yes ma'am,' his voice was deep and husky and Karra couldn't stop the shudder of pleasure that rolled over her. Kaidan smiled and turned to board the Normandy and Karra couldn't help but admire the view as he walked away from her.

'Shepard!' Kaidan laughed as he felt her eyes on him.

'What,' Karra played innocent as she moved beside him and they walked on to the Normandy side by side.


	26. Chapter 26

Karra Shepard the woman wanted to squeal like a teenager, she wanted to jump for joy and dance around the room. Commander Shepard, the saviour of the Citadel, Alliance marine and Council Spectre managed to be a bit more serious, although keeping the grin off her face was increasingly difficult.

'I see Kaidans back,' Joker tried to hide his smile under his cap as the commander came up behind him. He could almost feel her excitement and he was truly happy for her.

'Yes he is,' she grinned and Joker laughed. 'What?' She looked at him as he spun his chair to face her.

'Just sensing some happiness here,' he chuckled. 'Does this mean I don't have to suffer any more broken bones so you get some sleep?'

'He's not moving into my quarters, Joker, we are on an Alliance ship and they don't look kindly on that sort of thing.' She chuckled, 'But I'm sure EDI can call him instead of you when necessary.'

'Why isn't he moving into your quarters, your both Spectres, doesn't that overrule your Alliance ranks?' He frowned and she shook her head.

'Maybe, but I don't think we should make it obvious, besides, we haven't gone past talking yet, we still have issues to work out.'

'Shepard, don't waste time we may not have,' he smiled up at her, 'besides, do you really think anyone on this ship doesn't know about you and Kaidan. Do you really believe it matters about rank and regulations? You deserve some happiness Shepard, take it while you can.'

'Yes sir,' she gave him a mock salute as he turned his chair forward. 'Get us to Tuchanka, we have a bomb to get rid of.'

Karra wanted to see Kaidan, to make sure he was really here but right now she had to be Commander Shepard. She headed to her quarters where she filed her reports on the Citadel coup, answered some emails and took a shower. Her stomach was telling her she needed to eat so she made her way to the mess.

She stepped out of the elevator and stopped. Two names had been added to the memorial wall, Thane and Mordin. The grief was still raw and she couldn't stop the tears that burned her eyes. She heard voices behind her that suddenly ceased and she felt someone come to stand on either side of her. She glanced sideways and met Kaidan's eyes, on the other side she found Joker. Both men took her hand and she squeezed them gently in thanks.

The sound of others coming to stand before the memorial made her realise how important this wall had become. The names on the wall gave them something to fight for, to honour their deaths, their sacrifices. Every name on that wall had played a part in the war they were fighting.

'Jenkins was so eager, so young. All he wanted was to be a good marine, to fight for what he believed in.' Kaidan spoke softly but his words were full of emotion.

'Ashley,' Joker took a deep breath, 'she was a soldier, a warrior but she was also a woman who loved poetry and practical jokes. She was my friend.'

'Presley became my friend,' Garrus spoke from the back of the group that had gathered. 'Before the end he admitted that he had been wrong to mistrust aliens, that he considered us to be almost human.' He chuckled and a couple of others did the same.

'I'd never met a Salarian before I met Mordin,' Dr Chakwas spoke from behind Karra. 'He was such a gentle soul who wanted to right a wrong. He was the very model of a scientist Salarian.' She sang the last part and Karra couldn't help but smile.

'It had to be him, someone else might have gotten it wrong,' Karra added, 'He sacrificed his life to save the Krogan race.'

'I'd never met a Drell before I met Thane,' Kaidan squeezed Karra's hand as he spoke. 'I would have liked to have known him better.'

'Thane died a hero,' Karra felt a tear roll down her cheek. 'He was my friend, he was a deep, thoughtful man who helped to soothe my soul when I needed it most.' She paused to take a deep breath. 'I will miss him. Kalahira watch over him and lead him to walk on distant shores.'

They stood in silence for a moment, remembering, before slowly moving away and going back to their duties. Kaidan was the last to leave and he lifted Karra's fingers to his lips before leaving her alone to gather her thoughts. With a sigh she ran her fingers across Thane's name then turned and headed to the mess to ease her grumbling stomach.

Karra finished the dregs of her coffee and headed to the starboard observation lounge where Kaidan had set himself up. She tried to convince herself that she just wanted to make sure he was settling in but it didn't work. She needed to see him to convince herself that he was really here. Her stomach was doing flip flops as she stepped through the door.

Her heart stopped as she saw him leaning against the glass of the observation window, a perfect silhouette. He reminded her of an ancient Earth statue dedicated to the male form, if he was naked he would be a fine example of just that. She felt a warm hum as her biotics flared to life and she fought to control the urge to run her hands over him.

'It looks so peaceful and yet people are dying in a million different ways, out there.' He sighed and Karra moved to stand beside him, concern now holding down her carnal urges.

'Kaidan?' she tried to look into his eyes but he kept them focussed out into space.

'I finally heard from my Mum,' there was a tremor in his voice, 'My dad is MIA, presumed…'

'Kaidan, I'm sorry,' she rested her hand on his arm.

'Mum is all alone in this now, I should be with her,' he sucked in a breath. 'But I want to be here, with you.' He finally turned to face her, his eyes moist, his hands shaking.

Before she could respond he pulled her into his arms and his lips found hers. There was hunger in the way he held her, kissed her and her own hunger and need responded. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her hands pulling him closer, her lips parting, her tongue tasting him. He turned them so she was backed against the window, his lips trailing down her neck, his arms pulling her tighter into his chest, their bodies moulding perfectly together.

'Karra, I can't live without you anymore,' he whispered against her neck. 'I love you, I always have and I always will.'

Gently she lifted his face so she could look into his eyes, 'I don't want to live without you either,' she ran her fingers along the contours of his face coming to rest on his lips. 'I love you so much,' she whispered and kissed him slowly, passionately, everything she felt for him went into that kiss and he returned in kind.

The air around them became electric as their biotics flared and combined, matching each other with a perfection that neither expected but willingly accepted and enjoyed. They felt the heightened awareness, the tendrils of power that ever so softly flickered across their skin and made their kiss deeper and more demanding.

'Ah, Commander,' Joker broke the mood and they forced themselves apart.

'What is it, Joker?' Karra grinned as Kaidan rested his forehead against hers and shook his head.

'We'll be at Tuchanka in 30 minutes.'

'Okay, contact Lieutenant Victus and let him know we're arriving and tell James to be ready.'

'Aye, Ma'am.'

'I guess some things never change,' Kaidan chuckled. He raised his head and looked into her eyes, 'We need to continue this conversation.' His voice was husky and Karra shivered in anticipation.

'Yes we do,' she loved his warm brown eyes and found herself falling into them. She leaned forward and found his lips again as his arms curled around her and held her against him. It was tender and gentle and she never wanted it to end, but duty called. 'We'd better go suit up.' She reluctantly pulled back and sighed.

'I need a minute or two,' Kaidan grinned at her, 'or I won't be able to get into my armour.'

Karra laughed at his discomfort before kissing him lightly, 'I'll see you in the shuttle bay.' With a deep breath she pulled herself from his arms and left the room.


	27. Chapter 27

'Damn it,' Karra thumped the wall of the shuttle and sighed deeply. 'Why can't someone tell me the truth, just once?'

'I'm sorry Commander, I was under orders on a classified mission,' Lieutenant Victus sounded genuinely sorry.

'Alright Lieutenant, tell me about the bomb.'

Karra listened and cursed silently her anger and frustration growing with every word.

'So you're telling me that this is an old bomb, left by the Turians just in case they needed to blow up Tuchanka and now Cerberus have control of it. That's just great.' Karra paced the small space inside the shuttle and ran her fingers through her hair.

'I can shut the bomb down but we need to get rid of the Cerberus forces,' Victus sounded confident but Karra hated the fact she had to depend on him not getting killed.

'Send us the co-ordinates and we'll meet you there.' She disconnected the link and turned to Kaidan and James. 'This mission just got a lot more important. We save the Krogans from the Genophage just so Cerberus can blow them up, I don't think so. Guess we're going in hot.'

'Just the way I like it,' James grinned.

Kaidan chuckled and shook his head, 'just like old times.'

'Yeah,' Shepard laughed, 'something else that hasn't changed.' She met his eyes and they shared a glance that was full of memories and familiarity. They had once worked so well together and she was really hoping that hadn't changed.

From the moment they hit the ground they were under fire. Karra watched as Kaidan took down Cerberus troops with more power and different skills than he'd had when they'd been on the SR1. Damn he was hot! Kaidan watched as Karra used a biotic charge and nova blasts to completely obliterate everything before her. God she was beautiful!

Between them they became a deadly force as their weapons and biotic skills intertwined and worked in tandem to take down anyone that stood in their way. James was in awe of their power and skill. He'd seen Shepard in the field and he'd thought her biotic skills were impressive but the Major was a true force to be reckoned with. Together they were amazing.

Finally they reached Victus and became his defense shield as he worked on the bomb. Karra motioned for James to stay back as Kaidan walked into the open and stood quietly by a damaged wall without his weapons drawn as Cerberus troops approached from both sides, cautious and unsure. James was completely confused but watched as the Major began to glow.

'You take the right, I'll take the left,' Karra said softly and waited for James to acknowledge her.

'Yes, ma'am,' his confusion was evident and Karra grinned.

Cerberus troops were almost upon them when Kaidan flicked out his hands and his barrier flew out and exploded, knocking the Cerberus troops off their feet. James was awestruck but quickly recovered and took out the stunned enemy as they struggled to rise. A blur of movement caught his eye as Shepard charged to the left and downed the enemy with a nova blast. He turned to look at Kaidan and found himself staring down the barrel of his pistol.

'Duck' Kaidan grinned and took out the Cerberus trooper behind James with a single shot to the head.

'Thanks,' James grunted from his crouched position before the sound of multiple weapons made them both turn in the direction of Shepard.

She was running towards them with a dozen Cerberus troops behind her. Kaidan felt his heart rise into his throat as shots sizzled off her shields that were quickly depleting. With a grunt he threw a handful of troops against a wall and he heard James blasting away beside him as Shepard finally ran between them, turned and took out the last couple of troopers with her shotgun.

'You okay?' Kaidan gave her a quick scan with his omnitool but found nothing broken or bleeding.

'Yeah, just tired,' she gasped.

Kaidan pulled a couple of ration bars from his armour and they both downed them quickly as they moved back into cover ready for the next wave.

'How's it coming Lieutenant?' Karra looked up to where Victus was working on diffusing the bomb.

'Almost done,' he sounded anxious.

'Take your time,' Karra grinned and readied her weapons as two Cerberus shuttles dropped more troops onto the field. 'Ready boys?' She raised her eyebrows at James and Kaidan and both men laughed.

James took up a position between the two biotics, he could see they were both tiring and would have to rely on their weapons more than biotics for a while. He had been in firefights before but this one would go down as the most memorable, the most exciting and the most fun. His opinion of the Major had changed drastically, he no longer saw him as the quiet, studious thoughtful man, he was a warrior in every sense of the word, strong, quick thinking, powerful and fast.

After seeing the Major in action he could understand why Shepard loved him, damn if he didn't get a hard on watching him. He could see the gleam in Shepard's eyes as she looked the Major up and down and he couldn't help but be a little jealous. It was even worse that the Major was returning Shepard's gaze and the sexual tension between them had a life of its own.

'Lucky bastard,' he mumbled then raised his weapon as Cerberus troopers came around the wall before them.

Time became inconsequential, thought became automatic as the three battled their way across, around and through the Cerberus troops. Shepard caught a movement and charged at a trooper about to fire a missile at Lieutenant Victus. She took him down with her omniblade just as James yelled.

'Atlas!' he rolled into cover as a rocket shot past him.

Shepard picked up the missile launcher and pretty much took down the Atlas with a few finishing shots from James. The last of the troops were dispatched just as Victus cursed into the coms.

'Damn,' he suddenly ran towards the bomb and Shepard watched in confusion as he began climbing.

'What's going on?' Shepard yelled.

'Cerberus set up a failsafe, I have to physically disconnect the triggers.' He continued to climb and worked to stop the bomb from activating.

Shepard kept her eyes on Victus as he climbed higher then took a deep breath as he climbed to the outside. With a sorrow she couldn't hide she watched as he fell to his death, the triggers exploding and the whole area shaking around them.

'Victory at any cost.' The last words of someone else who sacrificed themselves to save others.

Shepard virtually collapsed onto a broken piece of masonry, her eyes full of unshod tears. Kaidan moved to her side and reached for her but she shook her head and held up her hand.

'I'm okay,' she said softly. 'I just hate the thought of another sacrifice. How many more?'

Kaidan sat beside her and shook his head, 'I think there will be more than we would like. We're at war, lives will be lost, some wasted, some sacrificial. None of us like it but it's a reality we have to accept.'

'When did you become so pessimistic,' she frowned at him.

'I had plenty of time to think about death,' he looked away so she wouldn't see the pain in his eyes. 'It's a fact of life, especially at the moment.'

'I'm sorry, Kaidan,' she took his hand and tried to meet his eyes but he kept them turned away. 'I'm sorry for the pain you had to go through when I died.'

'That wasn't your fault, and as much as I hate Cerberus I should thank them for bringing you back.' he finally faced her and interlaced his fingers with hers. 'I've caused you a fair share of pain since then. But no more,' he sighed brushed his fingers down her face. 'All I want is to make you happy, will you let me do that?'

'Only if you let me do the same,' she smiled softly before standing up, sucking in a deep breath and putting on her Commander Shepard face. 'Let's get back to the Normandy.'

James couldn't stand it any longer. Shepard and Alenko sat across from one another in the shuttle, their eyes not leaving each other and a grin from ear to ear. There was electricity between them that was alive and highly charged emotionally. With a sigh James went to sit with Steve in the cockpit.

'Something wrong, Vega?' Steve watched him sit in the co-pilot's chair.

'If I sit in there any longer I'm going to need a cold shower.' He grimaced and Steve laughed.

'Don't begrudge the Commander some happiness,' he chuckled.

'I don't,' James shook his head and grinned. 'I am happy for her, I just hope we don't all go mad from frustration before they get themselves sorted out.'

Steve laughed again as he maneuvered them into the shuttle bay.


	28. Chapter 28

James watched as Shepard and Alenko walked side by side to the elevator, their armoured shoulders just touching, their steps matching and he couldn't help but feel a little envious. There was no better way to relax after a mission than a romp in the hay and he was pretty sure that's what they had planned, rules and regs be damned, they both deserved it. He needed a cold shower after the shuttle ride so he was certain they needed more.

"Commander, Admiral Anderson is waiting on vidcom,' Traynor's voice broke the silence of the shuttle bay.

'Damn,' James cursed. 'Talk about bad timing.' He looked across the bay and saw both of them shake their heads and laugh.

'I'll go take a shower, a cold one,' Kaidan grinned but Shepard shook her head.

'No, you are a Major in the Alliance, you are second in command to me, although technically you outrank me. I guess that makes you my XO. You should be in on these conversations and reports, just in case.' She caught a quick flicker of pain in his eyes, so fast she could have almost imagined it.

They stepped into the elevator, their arms brushing against each other. Karra could feel the heat radiating off him even through their armour and she was disappointed they weren't going to get to continue their conversation from earlier, at least not yet.

'Okay,' he nodded and turned to face her, his eyes searching hers. He was a little surprised that she'd given him the position, she didn't relegate easily. Maybe she was under more pressure than anyone realised. 'But you understand that means I'm going to pull you up if I think you're wrong or haven't considered something.'

'I'm counting on it,' she smiled and turned so she was facing him but she didn't meet his eyes, they were so close they could feel each other's breath on their faces. 'I don't want to do this alone, I don't know if I can do this alone. I need you, Kaidan, as my XO, as my friend, my lover.' She looked up at him, her eyes moist and holding nothing but love.

She took his breath away. This warrior woman who he had found, loved, lost and found again. She was letting him in, completely and totally. After everything that had happened between them, what he'd done and said, hadn't done or said, he wasn't sure he deserved it but he wasn't fool enough to refuse it. He loved her with every inch of his being and he never wanted to be anywhere but at her side and she had just given him permission. He would have taken her in his arms right then but the elevator door opened onto the CIC.

Specialist Traynor glanced over her shoulder as a wave of emotion washed over her and watched them exit the elevator and enter the war room together, 'Holy crap,' she whispered and sighed, if only she could be so lucky.

'Commander, Major,' Anderson sounded genuinely glad to see them both. 'From the state of your appearance I gather you're still fighting the good fight.'

'Yes sir,' Karra nodded, 'trying to anyway.'

'What's with the formality, Shepard?' he frowned at her and she laughed.

'Sorry, Anderson, just keeping up appearances.'

'Like they matter at this point in time,' he shook his head. 'Glad to see you're okay, Alenko. Hope you're taking good care of our girl.'

'When she lets me,' he grinned as Karra scowled at him. 'How are things on Earth?"

'Not good, we're fighting and running, hiding, gathering what troops we can. Something big is going on in London so we're trying to make our way over there.'

'We're thinking of you, of everyone. I really wish we were there to help,' Karra couldn't help but feel guilty for leaving.

'You are where you need to be, Shepard. The troops on the ground know you're working to bring help and every time we get a report of a success it raises morale. We need that right now.'

'I'm doing my best,' she said softly and felt Kaidan's hand in the small of her back.

'Your best is nothing short of miraculous,' Anderson chuckled, 'and that's exactly why you're out there and not here.'

'Take care, Anderson,' Karra watched as the image fizzled out.

Karra's shoulders slumped and the life seemed to drain out of her. She turned to leave but Kaidan grabbed her arm and pinned her gently against the wall, she could easily get out of his hold but she didn't. He removed his gauntlet and caressed the side of her face, he was more than pleased when she leaned in to his touch.

'Shep…Karra, you have no need to feel guilty. What you're doing out here is important, necessary.'

'I don't know anymore,' she sighed and looked into his eyes. 'I'm not a politician, I'm a soldier and I should be on the ground defending our home.'

'You, my love, are a force of nature,' he smiled softly and she frowned at him. 'You make people believe, you make them want to fight, to live. You give them strength to carry on, to hope for the future.'

'And what if there is no future, what if I'm wrong?'

'You took down Saren and Sovereign, you took down the collectors, you gave us time to prepare and now you're gathering the troops. You are giving us a future. Everyone on this ship, everyone who gathers behind you knows that we have a chance for a future and we trust you to lead us into it.' He caught a tear as it fell and kissed her tenderly.

'Not too much pressure then,' she whispered as he pulled back.

'Only a little,' he chuckled and stepped back. 'I think we need to get out of this armour.'

'Are you propositioning me, Major?' she laughed as he blushed and pushed her ahead of him out the door.

'Commander,' Traynor called as she entered the CIC, 'I've found something I think you should look at.'

'Okay, what is it,' she took the datapad Traynor handed to her and turned to Kaidan who was still standing by her shoulder. 'You'd better get out of your armour, Major. I'll fill you in after we're both cleaned up.'

'Aye ma'am,' he nodded and left.

'I'm sorry, commander,' Traynor seemed embarrassed and Karra glanced up at her.

'What for?'

'Interrupting your time with Major Alenko, I know you don't get much time together and I don't want to encroach on it but…'

'Traynor, it's alright,' Karra smiled at her. 'The Major and I understand that the mission comes first, besides there are regs against what you're implying.'

'Permission to speak freely, Commander,' Traynor pulled her shoulders up and looked Karra in the eyes as she nodded. 'Who gives a crap about regs? Everyone on this ship, and I've only been here for a short time but me included, knows you and the Major were torn apart. You're back together now and it's obvious that you care for each other. This could be the end of life as we know it and you're worried about regs and appearances. I think you need to get your priorities right. Sorry, ma'am if I've said too much.'

'Welcome to the crew, Specialist Traynor,' Karra laughed and Traynor blinked in confusion. 'I like it when my crew tells me what they really think. I appreciate your input and I will take it under consideration. Now, about these Cerberus scientists you've found.'

Karra stood under the shower letting the hot water wash away the aches from being in her armour too long. She had really been hoping for some time with Kaidan but it seemed events were conspiring against them. New missions, requests for time with the Commander, reports to file and somewhere in there she had to eat and sleep. With a deep sigh she turned off the shower, dried and dressed and headed to the medbay for the first of her time with the Commander meetings.


	29. Chapter 29

Kaidan watched from the mess as Shepard entered the medical bay, datapads in hand. She looked tired and he realised she probably hadn't eaten since before their mission. He grabbed extra ingredients and a second plate and proceeded to prepare a meal.

He thought about everything that had happened in the last few hours, the mission, especially that. He had been amazed that they had fallen back into working together, it had been so easy. It overwhelmed him a little that their biotics were so in tune, so fluid. He didn't remember them being so in tune before ….. well, just before. It was a wonderful feeling, a sense of completeness. He wondered if their biotics would react the same way in other situations, finding out was something to look forward to.

Shepard had made him her XO, which had completely surprised him. She liked to be in charge, in control. For her to relinquish some of that meant that either she trusted him implicitly to be her support or she was more exhausted than she was letting show. He preferred to assume the former.

He dished up their meal just as Shepard came out of the medical bay.

'Shepard,' he watched her turn in mid stride and she smiled at him. He couldn't help but smile back. 'Dinner, come and eat.' He carried two plates to the table and she sat down with a sigh.

'Thank you,' she looked at the food before her, pasta with vegetables. 'You made this from our supplies?'

'Yeah,' he grimaced, 'not the best but after today it will replenish your energy reserves. We should see about getting some better supplies.'

'Would have but kinda left Earth in a hurry before everything was finished, had to make do since' she reminded him between mouthfuls. 'You're the XO now so see what you can do.'

Kaidan chuckled, 'so that's why you gave me the job, so I could make sure you get fed properly.'

'And to help with reports, mission prep, staff rosters and stuff,' she grinned and slid a datapad before him which he read as they ate.

It felt good just to sit together, and they were sitting together. Their thighs rested against each other, their arms brushing against each other as they ate. They both knew they should be keeping up a professional appearance; they were both past worrying about it. They didn't move as they heard the elevator door open and someone came around the corner.

Joker stepped into the mess and smiled when he saw them sitting there, so close, so engrossed in each other. Shepard looked tired and he wondered if she'd been sleeping, he knew the nightmares kept her awake and sometimes she avoided sleeping so she didn't have to cope with having them. He made his way to the coffee machine and grabbed three cups then made his way to the table and sat down across from the pair, sliding a coffee before each of them.

'You look like you need this,' they both looked up at him like an animal caught in headlights.

'Thanks,' they spoke in unison and he couldn't help but laugh.

'You look like shit, Shepard, you need some sleep.' He grinned as she scowled at him.

'He's right,' Kaidan pushed his empty plate aside and picked up his coffee. 'Why don't you go get some rest, I can take care of the reports and read the upcoming mission briefs.'

'So, just because I made you my XO you think you can order me around and take over my ship.' She looked at him with raised eyebrows.

'Wouldn't dream of it, but you could at least let it look like I'm doing the job.'

'What, wait, did you say XO,' Joker moaned. 'Does that mean you get to order me around as well?'

'Guess so,' Kaidan shrugged and Joker buried his face in his hands. 'I wouldn't worry too much about it, Joker, we both know the Commander doesn't give up command easily.' He nudged her shoulder and she chuckled.

'Now that depends entirely on the situation,' she grinned at him.

'Okay, heard enough,' Joker picked up his coffee and shook his head.

'You'd better set a course for Arrae, we have some ex-Cerberus scientists to rescue.'

'Yes ma'am,' he gave her a mock salute and went back to the cockpit.

'Are you sure about rescuing these scientists,' Kaidan raised his concerns, 'Can we trust them?"

'Not everyone with Cerberus are evil, maniacal control freaks,' she sighed. 'There are some genuine people who believe they are doing the right thing and sometimes they realise that they are doing it for the wrong person. So they want out. If Traynor is right these scientists will be a great addition to those working on the Crucible.'

'Okay,' he nodded, 'but Joker is right,' Kaidan took her hand in his, 'You do look tired, go and get some sleep.'

'You could come with me,' she wound her fingers through his.

'If I did there wouldn't be much sleep happening and I think you need that more right now.' He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. 'As much as it is tempting.'

'Okay,' she sighed and to Kaidan that only showed just how tired she really was. 'I'll see you in a few hours.'

Kaidan watched her leave and felt like he had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming, that he was really here, with her. He looked at the collection of datapads on the table and chuckled, they were real enough. He picked up the first on the pile and started reading.

It was a couple of hours and several cups of coffee later when he finally stood up and stretched tired muscles. It was time for a shift change, those unlucky enough to be rostered on for the graveyard shift had been wandering through the mess, having coffee, grabbing a meal and leaving to take up their posts. Kaidan started his tour of the ship, something he'd seen Shepard do every night and something he'd done the when he'd been given command of a ship for a mission. It seemed to help with crew morale, knowing their CO was aware of them, whatever the shift. It was sometimes amusing to see the reactions when said CO complimented them or called them by name.

Eventually he ended up in the cockpit to find Joker asleep at the helm and EDI managing the ship from the co-pilots chair. He remembered the first time he saw EDIs new body, he had felt a surge of panic and even though he hadn't shown it she had sensed it, if an AI could sense things. She had apologised to him for being thoughtless and not warning him that she had taken over the synthetic body that had almost killed him. He found a strange sense of comfort in that.

'Does he always sleep in his chair?' Kaidan asked her as he glanced down at Joker.

'Sometimes I carry him to his bed but he doesn't like it when I do that.' EDI looked over at Joker with what Kaidan thought might be emotion. 'We have no back up pilot so he doesn't like to leave, even though I am more than capable of handling an emergency. We will be at Arrae in approximately five hours.

'Okay, EDI. I'm going to try and get a couple of hours sleep, please wake me and not Shepard if you need us for anything.'

'Yes, Major,' she seemed engrossed in what she was doing so he turned to leave. 'Major,' she said softly, 'it is good to have you on board.'

'Thank you EDI,' he raised an eyebrow in surprise. 'It's good to be here.'

Kaidan had no sooner undressed and settled himself in bed when the door to the observation lounge opened. He turned to find Shepard in a state of disarray, she appeared to be sleepwalking. Her hair was a mess and she was dressed in nothing but a long, oversize t-shirt that he was sure was one of his, the light from the corridor behind her giving her an aura that made her appear angelic. God she was stunning and the blood rushed straight to his groin.

She was glancing around nervously, her hands trying to fend of something or someone. In a flash he was alongside her holding her up.

'Karra,' he tried to hide the fear in his voice. 'What's wrong?'

'Please don't let them take me,' she shuddered; he could feel her shaking and she felt cold.

He scooped her up in his arms and carried her to his bed, sliding in alongside her and tucking them both under the blankets. It was a standard issue military bunk that had been moved into the room for him so there wasn't a lot of space but all thought of anything physical had disappeared.

'It's okay, you're safe now,' he enveloped her in his arms and she tucked her head into his shoulder. 'No-one is taking you from me, ever again,' he whispered and she took a deep breath before relaxing against his bare chest.

It wasn't long before her breathing became regular and he felt her body go limp as she descended into a deep sleep. He slowly followed her, the warmth between them more comforting and relaxing than any sedative. Neither of them heard EDI enter the room and leave a pile of Shepard's clothing neatly folded on the lounge. She watched them for a few moments before nodding, leaving the room and locking the door, if it was possible she would have smiled.


	30. Chapter 30

Karra sat on the lounge watching Kaidan sleep, well his back anyway as he was facing away from her. With a smile she picked up the coffee cup and gently leaned over him, wafting the smell across his nose. He moaned and stirred so she quickly sat down, pulled her knees up to her chin and waited.

Kaidan reached out and realised the bed was empty and he opened his eyes. She was gone. His heart lurched and he felt sick until he realised where he was …. was that coffee? Slowly he rolled over and found Karra smirking at him from the lounge and he'd never seen a more beautiful sight. The fact that he was wearing only his boxers and the blankets were only just covering his hips never entered his mind. It certainly entered Karra's though. Damn he was a gorgeously handsome man! And he'd certainly been working out!

'Morning,' she grinned as she looked him up and down and he realised how exposed he was but made no move to cover himself.

'Morning,' he raised his eyebrows at her as he pulled himself into a sitting position, his elbows resting on his knees. 'Sleep well?

'Certainly did, but how did I end up in your bed?' she passed him the coffee she'd woken him with.

'You wandered down here, I think you may have been sleepwalking, I'm guessing you had a nightmare,' he took a sip of the coffee. 'You don't remember?'

'No,' she was frowning now. 'So I wandered down here dressed in nothing but a t-shirt. I'm sure the crew would have enjoyed that.'

'Yes you did, one of my t-shirts I believe,' he chuckled at her discomfort. 'I don't think any of the crew saw you, it was graveyard shift.'

'Thanks for getting me some clothes so I didn't have to wander back the same way.'

'Not me,' he shook his head.

'I took the liberty of providing your clothing, Shepard,' EDI interrupted. 'Your attire would not have been fitting for your return to your quarters if the crew was awake.'

'Thank you EDI,' Karra met Kaidan's amused stare.

'You are welcome. We will be at Arrae in one hour.'

Karra slipped from the lounge and stood beside the bed. She slowly ran her hand down Kaidan's back to his hips, resting for a moment on the curve of his ass, marvelling at the feel of him shuddering beneath her fingers, before kissing him lightly and moving towards the door.

'Guess you'd better get up,' she grinned and left the room.

Kaidan groaned as he dropped his head onto his arms, careful not to spill his coffee. She was going to drive him insane.

* * *

><p>'Jacob!' Karra slid to the floor at his side, wincing at the gash in his armour and the bloodied mess beneath. 'What are you doing here?' she applied medi-gel to his wound as she spoke.<p>

They had landed in a hot zone, nothing out of the ordinary really, to find the people they had come to rescue under attack from Cerberus troops. Once again Karra and Kaidan work in tandem to clear their path while Garrus took them out from a distance. It wasn't long before the field was clear. Unfortunately of the defenders only Jacob survived the assault.

'I'm supposed to be protecting these people,' Jacob grunted as Karra worked on him.

A concerned voice over the radio interrupted and Jacob quickly reassured whoever it was that it was okay to open the doors to the base. Karra helped him to his feet and he led them inside and introduced them to Dr Brynn Cole, the leader of the small group of Cerberus defectors.

Getting everyone out wasn't easy, more Cerberus troops, anti-aircraft guns that needed fixing and even more Cerberus troops. A final sprint to the shuttle and they were done, almost. Kaidan's heart went cold as Karra went down just short of the shuttle with troops almost upon her.

'Shepard!' he was about to jump from the shuttle but Jacob and Brynn beat him to it. The man in him wanted to run and help, the soldier in him was more sensible, 'Cover fire!'

Between them he and Garrus made every shot count and they both gasped in relief as the shuttle door finally closed with everyone aboard.

'Shepard,' he was on his knees alongside her as she lay on the floor, running his omnitool over her, relieved that she was not seriously hurt.

'I'm okay,' she grabbed his hand and felt him shaking. 'Lost my shields and that last shot hit me in the thigh. No serious damage, just hurt.'

He pulled her to her feet, holding her against him for a moment before helping her to a seat. He sat beside her, so close their bodies touched. Garrus watched them and nodded to himself, Kaidan had been true to his word and he was truly happy for his best friend, he hadn't seen her smile so much for a long time.

Karra was tired and her leg hurt, she was going to have a nice bruise later. She looked up to see Jacob watching them, a half smile on his face as he sat with Brynn, holding her hand.

'You must be Alenko,' he held out his other hand and Kaidan shook it. 'You know she never gave up on you, even after Horizon.' Jacob grinned as Karra dropped her head back with a groan. 'I hope you're worth it.'

'Me too,' Kaidan smiled as Karra shook her head in defeat.

* * *

><p>'Hey Doc, got a minute?' Kaidan entered the medbay, a frown on his face.<p>

'Of course,' Dr Chakwas turned in her chair, concern taking over at his worried look. 'Migraine?'

'No, actually I wanted to ask you about Shepard,' he leant against a bed and folded his arms across his chest. 'I know she's been having nightmares but does she usually sleepwalk?'

'Not that I'm aware of. EDI, have you noticed the Commander sleepwalking?'

'No, doctor. From her bio readings she wasn't truly sleepwalking last night, she was in a half awake state but she did have a higher than normal stress levels, perhaps a result of the dream she had prior to leaving her quarters.'

'She seemed a little out of it,' Kaidan clarified. 'She was fending off something or someone and her body was ice cold. Seemed like more than just a dream.'

'The body can do strange things under stress,' Dr Chakwas sighed and looked at Kaidan strangely before continuing. 'Shepard is under a lot of pressure right now, although she has been a little calmer since you came on board. Perhaps her subconscious is trying to tell her what she needs.'

She cleared her throat as if what she was about to say made her uncomfortable, 'She needs you and from your bio readings of late you need her, and I'm not talking as commander and XO. There are tensions between you that are not just emotional, I know you've both had to deal with issues regarding your relationship but I think you should both stop thinking of how things look to others and take some happiness for yourselves.'

'Are you suggesting I have sex with my CO?' Kaidan looked at her from beneath raised eyebrows and she laughed. 'We are on an Alliance ship and there are regs against that sort of thing.'

'Like that has stopped you before, and besides, you can always say you were acting as Spectres at the time.'

'Major, if you need assistance I can give you the privacy required,' EDI sounded amused.

'Ah, no thanks, EDI,' Kaidan felt his face getting hot, 'I think I can manage on my own.' He found it extremely disconcerting that a computer wanted to help him with his love life.

'Kaidan, don't waste time,' Chakwas was serious now. 'Soon we'll be heading back to Earth and maybe into oblivion, don't face that possibility with regrets.'

'You don't think we'll make it through this?'

'With Shepard at the vanguard I have no doubt humanity will make it through this,' she sighed and her eyes moistened, 'whether we all make it through is something else again.'

'Thanks doc,' he stood up to leave.

'If you need me to I can make it an order,' Chakwas grinned at him.

Kaidan stared at her, not sure if she was serious or not but she laughed at his discomfort. He was shaking his head and chuckling as he left the medbay. It seemed everyone was determined that he and Karra should be together, even a computer, okay an extremely intelligent computer that was almost lifelike. Who was he to argue, that was what he wanted too, it just seemed like fate was conspiring against them still. Maybe it was time to challenge fate.

'Alenko, Liara, suit up. Eden Prime in fifteen.' Shepard announced.

Maybe today wasn't the day.


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who has added this to their favourites list or alerts list - glad you're enjoying it and I hope you continue to do so.**

**Just a reminder that I'm not rewriting the game, just filling in gaps as my Shepard would have liked them. Please let me know if you find any inconsistencies or out of character bits. Feedback is always welcome. Next chapter is fluffy - might lean towards smut so might have to up the rating to M - still thinking about it.**

**Wanted to add this bit about Liara - that melding mind thingy always bugged me and made me wonder what she was actually getting out of it. I also got annoyed with how she was always after Shepard.  
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**Also with my Shepard being a Vanguard, thus biotic I like to think that her and Kaidan would be connected through their biotics and any sexual tension would increase the strength of that connection - hey a girl can dream. ;-)  
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Bioware owns all - I'm just wandering in their world.

* * *

><p>Liara was in total awe of the Prothean sitting across from her in the shuttle. She couldn't believe that the relic they had been sent to find was actually a living, breathing Prothean. The fact that he had made it quite clear how primitive he thought they were, how they had no hope of beating the Reapers and how arrogant he was didn't seem to bother her. She was simply in awe.<p>

She glanced across at Shepard who appeared to be sleeping, her eyes closed and her head resting against the bulkhead of the shuttle. Kaidan also sat with his eyes closed but he opened them as he felt her eyes on him and gave her a smile, she looked away hurriedly. She still found it hard to deal with Shepard's relationship with him, she had wanted the Commander from the first time they met but it was not to be. The two humans had a history, something she couldn't compete with and which had been made more obvious the moment they landed on Eden Prime.

'This is where it all began,' Kaidan stepped off the shuttle and walked to the edge of the landing area. There was pain in his voice and Liara remembered that this was where Jenkins died, this was the first loss they both shared.

'It looks different,' Shepard stood beside him, so close their hands were touching.

'Most of it was rebuilt after Saren, when the colonists came back,' Kaidan had looked down at her, his gaze one of respect and love. 'This is where you saved me, the first time.'

Shepard had met his gaze, a smile on her face and love in her eyes, 'best decision I ever made, even if I did end up with alien images in my head driving me insane.'

Liara felt like she was intruding on something extremely private but Shepard took a deep breath and she was Commander Shepard again, the perfect warrior, leader and woman. Liara was envious of Kaidan but she buried her feelings deep within, Shepard had made it perfectly clear on Illium that even though he wasn't with her Kaidan held her heart and she couldn't give it to anyone else, she didn't want to.

Watching them defeat the Cerberus troops had driven home just how much they belonged together. Her biotics were as powerful, if not more so, than theirs individually but together they were a perfect weapon. Even when they relied on guns they worked as one, working in tandem, instinctively knowing what the other wanted, perfect soldiers. She would never have that and it hurt.

Feelings of inadequacy surfaced when they found the Prothean data. She had studied them for years but still failed to understand any of what they'd found. But Shepard had and that made her a little angry. She could have shared the information with Liara, melded with her so she could understand but Shepard refused. Twice now they had melded and each time Liara had kept a small piece of Shepard for herself, a forgotten emotion, a random memory. Something had changed though and Shepard seemed to realise that by melding she could take pieces of Shepard, keep them, let them grow into a life. Liara had lost Shepard's trust somewhere and that disappointed her.

But now here they were, heading back to the Normandy with a live Prothean and Liara was impatient to discover what she could about his race, his history. She was thankful that Shepard and Alenko were tired and their biotics were only a low background hum. If she had been faced with the waves of emotion that usually flowed from them she might not have been so controlled and the last thing she wanted to do was make a fool of herself in front of this Prothean.

As if sensing her thoughts the Prothean stared at her before turning to look at Shepard and Alenko, tilting his head and glancing from one to the other. With what she believed was a sigh he turned back to her and nodded before resting his head on the bulkhead behind him and closing his eyes. Liara grinned widely, she couldn't help it, she was in awe of a piece of history come to life.

* * *

><p>Karra and Kaidan had managed very little time together, a few stolen moments in the elevator, shared meals over which they discussed tactics and missions, rosters, everything but each other. It was driving them mad.<p>

They had a conversation to finish and a ten minute groping session in a corner somewhere wasn't what they wanted. They wanted time enough to rediscover each other intimately and passionately, to let their love for each other come to life. Their biotics were so finely tuned now they sensed each other even when they weren't in the same room, unfortunately for everyone around them they could feel it as well, feel the emotion, the want and need. It was driving them mad too.

'We have to do something about this,' James stormed into the cockpit and Joker almost jumped out of his seat.

'What?' he turned his chair, trying not to show how much James had surprised him.

'This is getting ridiculous,' Garrus stepped through the door, his mandibles flaring. He looked strangely at James and then turned to Joker who was looking at both of them wide eyed.

'I've had enough,' Liara marched into the cockpit and paced slowly, wringing her hands.

'What is going on?' Joker looked bemused, he was pretty sure he knew what they were talking about, in fact he was certain.

'I believe they are referring to the sexual tension between Commander Shepard and Major Alenko.' EDI commented from the co-pilots seat.

'Exactly!'

'Of Course!'

'Damn right!'

'Their biotics are alive and it makes me tingle in ….. well, it just makes me tingle,' Liara pointed out and the three males looked at her in fascination.

'I just feel warm when I'm around one of them,' Garrus shrugged.

'I'm getting fed up of cold showers,' James grunted and looked at Joker, 'Don't you feel it?'

'Yeah,' he chuckled.

'Oohh, this is driving me nuts,' Traynor stepped into the cockpit and pulled up in surprise as she looked at everyone.

'Commander Shepard and Major Alenko need some time….' Dr Chakwas stopped, glanced at the group before her and grinned.

'The pheromones between these two humans are filling ….' Javik stood in the doorway, his multiple eyes blinking as he realised Joker wasn't alone.

Joker laughed, 'Guess we'd better do something about it then, although you do realise that the Commander carries a gun and is not afraid to use it.'


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Well here it is. I've tried to find the balance between smut and fluff. The way I see it the first round would be fast and desperate - it has been almost 3 years after all. The second round would be more intimate, passionate. I've tried to convey this without in depth details, sometimes less is more.**

**I hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think. Oh yeah, the problem with regs etc will be sorted, but at this point who really cares.**

Bioware owns all - I'm just lost in lust and longing ;-)

* * *

><p>'Major Alenko, Commander Shepard would like to see you in her quarters,' EDI informed Kaidan as he sat filling in reports.<p>

'Commander, Kaidan has asked if he can see you in your quarters,' Traynor informed her as she was leaving engineering.

Karra stepped off the elevator to find Kaidan waiting outside her quarters. 'Hey,' he smiled and followed her through the door. 'You wanted to see me?'

Karra turned, 'I thought you wanted to see me,' she met his eyes in confusion then jumped as the door locked behind them.

'Commander, Major,' EDI spoke into the confused silence. 'The crew have agreed that they can no longer wait for you two to sort yourselves out. At their request I have locked the door and turned off all surveillance and monitoring sensors. You will find a collection of refreshments on the table. We will reach the Citadel in nine hours and I have been asked not to unlock the door until one hour prior to our arrival.

Major, I know you could easily hack the lock but I am prepared for that. Commander I have been asked to ignore your orders for the next eight hours and for the morale and wellbeing of the crew I have agreed to do so, barring any extreme emergency. Liara would prefer not to tingle any more, James prefers hot showers to cold, Garrus wants to feel cool again, Joker thinks you should stop worrying about regulations as you are Spectres, Dr Chakwas is concerned about your emotional health and Javik would prefer not to smell your pheromones. The crew believe you deserve some happiness while there is still time. Major Alenko's personal items have been moved to your cabin, he will find his clothes in your closet. They are unanimous in this and have accepted that you may either shoot them all or throw them off your ship. Logging you out.'

Flabbergasted was the only way to describe their reaction. Kaidan opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Karra stared at him open mouthed. They both looked at the basket of sandwiches, ration bars and energy drinks on the table and some of Kaidan's things around the room. They looked back at each other and Karra giggled. Kaidan was amused at that, she had never giggled. He couldn't help but laugh.

'I guess we've been given our orders ma'am,' Kaidan grinned as he moved closer and slid his arms around her waist.

'I guess so, Major,' she chuckled as she slipped her arms around his neck, her fingers sliding through his hair.

'I'd hate to disobey them,' he was so close his lips were brushing hers.

'Would be a bad idea,' she whispered as their lips met.

EDI watched the monitor before her, Joker looking over her shoulder. With a flick of her wrist she shut off the surveillance and the sensors in her outer skin registered warmth as Joker lightly placed his hand on her shoulder before moving away.

'About damn time,' he chuckled as he went back to piloting the ship.

* * *

><p>Karra opened her eyes to find Kaidan resting on his elbow looking down at her. She stretched lazily, feeling tender in places she hadn't felt tender for a long time. For the first time she enjoyed being in her bed, it had always felt cold and uninviting before now. She tilted her head so she could look him in the eyes.<p>

'Is there a reason you're watching me sleep?'

'Just marvelling at how beautiful you are and making sure this is really happening and I'm not dreaming.' He gently brushed a lock of hair from her face.

'I think the room is evidence this is real,' she chuckled and they both looked at the clothing scattered from one end of the room to the other.

'I guess the ass print on the fish tank is more proof, you may want to clean that off,' Kaidan grinned.

Karra followed his gaze to where a definite imprint was visible on the glass. She trembled as she remembered;

_Hurriedly ripping clothes from each other with no thought for buttons or fastenings;_

_Kissing hard to the point of bruising, nipping at necks, ears, shoulders;_

_Him leaning her onto the desk, his fingers finding her ready for him before lifting her and pushing her against the glass;_

_Her hands finding his erection and hearing him moan, her arms gripping his shoulders, her legs wrapped around him;_

_His hands clenched on her backside, his lips and tongue finding her nipples as he thrust himself inside her. _

They had wanted each other desperately, achingly and all control disappeared. It was sex, pure and simple, animalistic and rough; they needed it, it made them feel alive, human. They took each other to the edge and beyond, finally ending up in the bed curled around each other.

As if reading her thoughts he leaned over and kissed her exposed neck. 'I missed you,' he whispered. 'I didn't want to live without you, I couldn't live without you.' He buried his face in her neck and she could feel him trembling. 'Don't you ever leave me again,' he lifted his head, his eyes filled with tears, 'I love you Karra Shepard.'

Karra felt her own eyes brimming with tears as she reached up and cupped his face, 'I love you Kaidan Alenko, and I don't plan on going anywhere without you.' She pulled him down gently and kissed him softly.

The kiss became deeper, emotional, desire took hold. Slowly their bodies responded, melding together like two halves of a whole. While their previous lovemaking had been desperate, hungrier, this time they rediscovered each other slowly, passionately.

Hands gently touched and fingers sought out the most intimate of places, giving pleasure tenderly, lovingly.

Lips and tongues tasted, explored, found the perfect spots to elicit moans of delight, to make backs arch and eyes close as hands clutched through sheer surrender and release.

Their eyes met as he sheathed himself inside her and they took each other to new heights as their biotics flared and lifted them together into ecstasy.

It was intoxicating, addictive and neither wanted to let go, to come down from the most exquisite sensations, the feelings of pure bliss. Again and again they took each other over the edge until finally they slept, wrapped together as only lovers can be.

* * *

><p>Kaidan awoke to the feel of a hand running over his chest, he had never felt so complete and so sated. 'You're awake,' he chuckled and looked into Karra's eyes as she lifted herself onto her elbows and rested her chin on his chest.<p>

'I don't remember you being so well toned before,' she kissed his nipple and he gasped.

'Yeah, it was either bar fights, shooting something or someone or a punching bag. The punching bag seemed the wiser option,' there was pain in his voice and Karra reached for his hand and held it to her lips.

'Kaidan, I'm glad you're still here, the thought of you taking chances, not wanting to live terrified me.'

Quicker than she thought possible he rolled over so he was holding her close, his arms wrapped around her, his eyes staring into space through the window over their head. 'I did want to die, to be with you and that was the only way I knew how. I took chances, did stupid things but it didn't happen. I kept replaying what happened and I hated myself for not disobeying you and staying, maybe I could have helped you. Eventually I realised that you wouldn't want me to live like that and I loved you enough to step back and look at what I was doing.

It didn't fill the empty place you left but I put on a façade and carried on. I put one foot in front of the other every day until it became routine but it took me a long time before I actually felt anything. I was just starting to feel again when I saw you on Horizon. Everything I had been through, everything I'd tried to push aside came crashing in. How could you have died but be standing before me? It wasn't possible. In my heart I couldn't believe you'd lie to me, not let me know you were alive for two years but I wasn't thinking with my heart.'

He rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed and she felt a tear drop onto her cheek. 'I wanted to believe you, wanted to go with you to hold you and never let go. But the pain took hold, all the pain I had held on to for two years and I took that out on you.' He opened his eyes and looked at her, 'I'm sorry, so sorry.'

'Kaidan,' she couldn't stop the tear that rolled down her cheek. 'With my last breath I thought of you, with my first breath on that medical bed I thought of you. Every day since then I've thought of you. The thought that you may have moved on destroyed me and I hated the fact I'd been brought back and I would have to live without you. Horizon hurt, more than I ever thought anything could.

Ilos was a fresh memory for me, a beautiful memory and watching you walk away angry and in pain was devastating. I was in shock for some time, I took chances, did stupid things. I didn't want to live without you, galaxy be damned.'

She sucked in a deep breath and he tightened his arms around her, pulling her into his chest. 'I eventually realised that maybe you were better off without me, that I might not come back from the mission and you would have to face my death all over again. As much as it hurt I was prepared to let you go. But my heart had other ideas.'

Karra pulled back far enough to look into his eyes and brush her fingers down his jaw, across his lips. He gave her a weak smile before closing the gap and kissing her with a passion and hunger that she returned in kind.

'I thought we weren't having this conversation while you were naked,' he chuckled as they parted to breathe.

'Well, at least you're naked too,' she grinned.

'Yeah, about that,' he ran his hand down her arm and across her back and it came to rest on her behind and she laughed before wrapping her legs around him and pushing him onto his back.

'Why Major, are you telling me you haven't had enough.' She ran her hands down his abdomen as she straddled his hips.

'I can never get enough of you,' he reached up and pulled her down so he could kiss her and she couldn't hide the joy she felt as his arousal rose up to meet her.


	33. Chapter 33

Karra awoke to the sound of the door unlocking and she realised that their private time was over. She snuggled further down into Kaidan's arms and she felt him stir. If she had a choice she would never leave this bed, his arms. But she didn't have that luxury.

'Hi,' his voice was husky, sleepy as he nuzzled the back of her neck.

'Hi,' she tilted her head to give him better access. 'Looks like we have our freedom back.'

Kaidan lifted his head to look at the door, 'Do we have to leave, we could just lock it again.' He went back to kissing her neck and she squirmed with pleasure.

'And how would we explain that to our superiors, how are we going to explain this to them?'

He stopped kissing her and turned her face towards him, concern in his eyes, 'If you prefer I can move my things back to the Starboard Lounge, we can make this a one-time thing, pretend it never happened.' He raised his eyebrows, 'For the sake of regulations, appearances.'

'No,' she almost sounded panicked and he chuckled. 'Appearances be damned, and as Joker said, we're Spectres so we could probably get around the regs.' She gripped his chin and kissed him lightly, 'besides, we can't upset the crew again, who knows what they'd do.'

'You know, Hackett and Anderson both told me not to waste time, to make the most of being with the woman I love.' He met her amused stare, 'I don't think we were as discreet as we thought.'

'Commander,' EDI interrupted, 'We will be arriving at the Citadel in approximately fifty minutes, although Jeff has advised me that he can take a more circuitous route if you prefer.'

'No, EDI, the direct route is fine.' Karra grinned at Kaidan shaking his head and she rolled over to face him. 'Guess it's time to put our game faces on.'

'Yeah,' he sighed and kissed his way down her chest, his lips came to rest on her nipple and she shivered as his tongue drew lazy circles. His hand had moved to her back side and while she was concentrating what his mouth was doing he slapped her playfully, rolled to the edge of the bed and sat up. He laughed at the frown on her face, 'race you for the shower.'

'Hey Shepard,' Kaidan looked up from tying his boot lace as she finished dressing. 'How did you know I'd done stupid thing and tried to get myself killed after you died?'

'I, um, Joker probably told me,' she kept her face straight but knew she hadn't convinced him. 'I must have heard it somewhere,' she shrugged but groaned at his amused stare. 'Alright, I read your files, happy now.' She grimaced and waited for his reaction but all he did was smile. 'What?' now she was getting frustrated.

'That's okay, I read yours too, all of them,' He laughed at her open mouthed stare. 'I received them from a mutual friend, all your logs, messages, everything you ever wrote but didn't send.' She was frowning now.

'Who? Why?' she was lost for words. 'Why are you telling me this?'

'Because I don't want any secrets between us,' he moved towards her and pulled her into his arms. 'I know what you went through and you know the same about me, but we both know we're not good at sharing personal stuff so reading each other's files was probably a good thing. Besides, I don't want to have to think about what I say, about not letting it slip that I know things you probably didn't want me to know. '

'That's probably a good thing since I already seem to have put my foot in it,' she rested her head on his chest. 'I'm guessing the mutual friend was EDI.'

'Yep, I still find it hard to get my head around a computer wanting to help with my love life.' He chuckled and kissed the top of her head, 'just hope she's not a voyeur.'

Karra laughed, 'she has been hanging around Joker for a while.'

'Damn, I guess we're in trouble then,' he lifted her face and kissed her softly. 'Are you ready, I could do with coffee?'

'Kaidan,' she sounded serious and he glanced down at her. 'Are you really alright with this, us being together, fraternising and disobeying regs? I know you took it seriously before …'

'Shepard, you are the Commander of the Normandy and I'm your XO. I promise not to ravage you in the CIC or embarrass you in front of the crew but you could say I'm following orders from two admirals if that makes you feel any better. In fact, I could also say that I'm following doctor's orders, Chakwas did tell me to help you ease your stress levels.'

He grinned at her confused stare, 'I don't have a problem with this, we don't have time and I want this more than I've ever wanted anything. I want you and if I have to break a few rules to get you so be it. I think there will be more important things to worry about than us sharing a bed. And besides, I don't think our court martial will be high on the list of priorities, and one of us can always resign and just be a Spectre.'

'Okay,' she finally smiled, 'doctor's orders, really?'

'Yeah, coffee,' he laughed as he led her towards the door and into the elevator.

'Fine,' she groaned. 'But just so you know, you'd be the one resigning and that bit about ravaging me in the CIC.' She gave him a wicked grin and he laughed and ran his hands over her backside as they stepped into the elevator.

They both had their professional faces on as they rounded the corner into the mess and came to a dead stop. Most of the crew and the ground team were either sitting or standing around and everyone turned to watch them enter the room.

'Yep, it's gone,' Joker laughed from his seat against the wall and a loud cheer went up from everyone else as they agreed that the tension between them was no more.

'Thank god,' James smirked. 'You were driving us insane, Lola, Major.'

'I am extremely thankful,' Liara looked at them sheepishly.

'Well, your stress levels seem reduced,' Chakwas chuckled.

Karra felt her face getting hot and from Kaidan's stuttered mumblings guessed he was feeling the same but then she heard him laugh. Suddenly she was in his arms and he was kissing her passionately and she couldn't help but respond. Another cheer went up and they parted with huge grins before turning to look at the crew.

'There goes any chance of professionalism,' Karra tried to be serious but failed.

'Don't worry, Commander,' Joker snorted a laugh, 'We all know how well you shoot and how well Alenko can throw someone across the room.' He looked around at the crew before continuing, 'your secret is safe with us.'

Karra looked at the crew and smiled, this was her family, these were the people she was fighting for, this was home. She'd never had a true family, a true home and it gave her a strange feeling of contentment to be standing among these people on this ship with a man she loved.

'Thank you,' her eyes were moist as she took in everyone with her glance. 'Now get back to your posts before I put you all on report.'

'Aye aye, ma'am,' as one the room answered, saluted and moved out.

She grabbed Joker's arm gently as he went to walk past her and pulled him into a hug, 'Thank you,' she whispered.

'Hey, only looking out for the crew's welfare,' he returned the hug before pulling back and looking at her through moist eyes. 'You deserve it, and you know, there is nothing like a good love story to give people something to fight for,' he said softly and then more loudly, 'besides, I had to do something to stop everyone from coming into the cockpit, I like my privacy you know.'

'Aren't you supposed to be docking the ship or something,' she gave him a mock frown and he laughed.

'Yes, ma'am,' he nodded and left.

'Should I be worried?' Kaidan had left her and Joker but returned with cereal bars and coffee mugs in hand, a smile on his face.

'Joker is my best friend, the brother I never had, he's been my rock so no,' she gave a mischievous grin, 'not unless you piss me off and make me go looking.'

'Not likely,' he laughed, 'although you are enough to drive a man to desperation.'

She chuckled but was suddenly serious. 'Kaidan, I need to know that you will follow orders, that this isn't going to be a problem for you.'

'I think I've proved that,' he grimaced and she hated causing him pain. 'But you have to remember, I'm a Major now, I've got my own battle scars and while I will follow your orders I will not allow you to put your life in jeopardy. You made me your XO so my job is to watch your back, to be there when you need me, don't expect anything less.'

'Fair enough.'

'Prepare for docking,' Joker announced.

'Time to go to work,' Karra stood to leave.

'Meet me for lunch, Apollos Café,' Kaidan stood also.

'Sure,' she kissed him lightly, put her Commander face on and left the room.


	34. Chapter 34

Why was it that nothing went to plan? Kaidan was angry and amused at the same time. The Quarian delegation had come on board and it was great to see Tali again but he thought it was insane that they had gone to war with the Geth when the Reapers were attacking the galaxy. At their request Shepard, Kaidan and Tali had gone on board the Geth dreadnaught to destroy the Reaper signal and allow the Quarian fleet time to flee.

Of course that hadn't happened. They had found Legion and they had disabled the signal but Admiral Gerrel had opened fire on the dreadnaught while they were still on board, putting not only their lives at risk but that of the Quarian fleet by not taking the chance to escape. That had not gone down well with Shepard who took out her frustration and anger on the Admiral. Kaidan had to hide his laughter as Shepard knocked the Admiral to the floor and ordered him off her ship.

Kaidan had balked at releasing Legion, he'd read the reports and logs about the Geth unit but was concerned that his loyalty could be affected by the Reaper code the Geth had decided to incorporate into itself. Shepard had no doubt she could trust it but Kaidan had yet to form that bond. When it had presented the information about the Geth fighters he had been surprised, did it feel any guilt about providing information about its own people, was it possible for it to feel at all.

Kaidan was worried. Shepard had stepped into the Geth Pod like it was nothing, only the look in her eyes had given him any sign she had doubts. She had looked directly at him as the pod closed around her and he had tried to hide the fear churning in his gut. She managed a half smile before dropping into some kind of trance, she seemed to be asleep but her eyes were open and moving, as if she was seeing something they couldn't.

Hell, she probably was and his curiosity got the better of him for a moment. What was it like inside the Geth hive? He couldn't come up with any images, he had nothing to work from. He looked over at Legion who was simply standing over the console, not moving, seemingly in the same trance as Shepard. They were sharing something he couldn't be part of and he felt a pang of jealousy. She had left him behind again and he hated that.

Kaidan was frustrated. He paced slowly, glancing up at Shepard each time he crossed the front of the pod. How long had she been in there? Could she get out? Panic flared but he quickly controlled it. She was the strongest woman he knew, the fiercest warrior, intelligent and capable, if anyone could do this she could. That didn't stop him from worrying.

Sound in his ear made him jump and he heard James chuckle behind him. He glared at James as Admiral Raan informed them that half of the Geth fighters had stopped moving. Something was definitely going on, something Shepard was doing was working. He stood before the pod and peered through the glass, her eyes were still moving, she was still active but what was she doing.

'Major, are you okay?' James was looking at him and Kaidan realised he was clenching his fists and his biotics had flared.

'Yeah, how long has she been in there?' he checked his own omnitool and was surprised to find it had only been fifteen minutes, it felt like a lifetime.

'Should we be trying to get her out?' James stepped closer to the pod and Kaidan placed a hand on his arm.

'No, we could harm her, we have to give her some time,' he was trying to convince himself as much as James but it didn't work. He went back to pacing.

Word finally came through that all the Geth ships had stopped and Kaidan immediately stepped in front of the pod, watching for some kind of movement to show that Shepard was alright, that she was coming back to him. Something moved in his peripheral vision and he glanced over to see Legion moving at the console. With a hiss the pod opened and Shepard grinned down at him, stepping out and resting her hand on his arm as he offered support.

'Shepard,' he couldn't hide the relief in his voice, 'are you okay?'

'Fine,' she smiled and he felt the tension leave him.

Movement around them had him reaching for his weapon, James did the same but Shepard simply held up her hand. Geth Primes surrounded them and Kaidan stared at Shepard in amazement as she accepted their offer of help with the Crucible. Was there anything this woman couldn't do? He loved her so deeply, so passionately and the pride he felt right then overwhelmed him. He wanted this woman in his life forever, to be by his side until the day they died. She turned to face him, almost as if she had read his thoughts, her eyes seemed to echo his feelings and his heart skipped a beat as he thought about a possible future. He was grinning as he followed her back to the Normandy.

How quickly things change. He had been happy, ecstatic even when Shepard had stepped out of that Geth pod. Now he was terrified, he wanted to vomit as his gut churned uncontrollably. He was angry that once again she had taken on a high risk alone, ordering Legion to move away and thus locking him in the Geth transport. No amount of shouting, cursing or threats would convince Legion to go back and help. Tali tried to calm him but she should have saved her breath.

They watched helplessly as Shepard ran, rolled and aimed the targeting laser to bring down the Reaper that appeared from inside the Geth base. His heart was threatening to break out of his chest as he watched the beam hit the spot she had been standing in, but she wasn't there. She was magnificent, a prima ballerina of the battlefield. As much as he feared for her life he had no doubt she would succeed, it was who she was. But that didn't stop his hands from shaking, his heart from pounding and his gut from churning.

Finally it was over and they watched as the Reaper spoke to Shepard, she argued with it, as if she could convince it to change its mind. Then it died. He could see Shepard was shaking, adrenaline was slowly dissipating and the tiredness gradually appeared on her face. He wanted to hold her, to comfort her, to tell her how proud he was and how angry he was but they had agreed to keep their emotions in check, they had allowed one moment but now they had to be absolutely professional except in private.

'Shepard, you took down a Reaper!' Tali couldn't hide the excitement and awe in her voice and Kaidan chuckled.

'Yep,' Shepard grinned. 'That makes three.'

'Keeping score, huh,' Kaidan grinned at her with raised eyebrows.

'Yeah, I might even put notches on my gun.' She laughed and so did he.

They were interrupted by Tali and Legion arguing behind them. Legion wanted to upload the old machine code to the collective, Tali was terrified this would end in the destruction of her race. Shepard questioned Legion and eventually allowed the upload.

'Shepard, you can't,' Tali was distressed, terrified and Kaidan looked at Shepard with concern.

Legion was already uploading and they could hear the Quarian admiral giving orders to destroy the Geth fleet but the Geth weren't going quietly. It quickly became obvious that one of the two races would die if something wasn't done.

Kaidan watched the woman he loved as she convinced the Quarian fleet to stand down, to think about their actions, to think about the past and the future. He watched as three hundred years of history was changed, as war was ended and peace began. He listened as Legion and Tali said goodbye, as Tali accepted that Legion had a soul, that he was alive. He lost all doubt as Legion sacrificed himself for the good of his people, and they were a people now and he watched as a Quarian Admiral and a Geth Prime agreed to work together to rebuild the Quarian home world.

All of this because one woman refused to give up, believed that there was always a chance, the possibility of change and hope for the future. His eyes were moist as he met hers and saw the joy in them. How could he not love this woman?

Cheers and elation met them as they stepped off the shuttle, the crew wanting to touch their hero, their commander and for some their friend. They had all shared the fear and elation as they watched events unfold and Shepard allowed their pride and happiness to wash over her, she laughed and cheered with them. Kaidan could see how tired she was so slowly he urged her towards the elevator and into their quarters. He silently helped her remove her armour and undergarments before removing his own and leading her into the shower.

She followed him without hesitation, allowing him to care for her as he washed her hair and massaged the aches away while he lathered her shower gel all over her body. He kissed her bruises, caressed her gently in his arms before drying them off, carrying her to the bed and tucking them both in. They lay wrapped in each other's arms, the contact enough to make them both relax as they looked up at the stars through the window over their heads.

'Marry me, Karra.' Kaidan's words broke the silence as he lowered his head and looked into her eyes.

'Yes,' it was almost a whisper but it held so much emotion, unshed tears filled her eyes and her smile was the brightest thing he had ever seen.

Kaidan's heart was pounding and he hadn't realised he'd been holding his breath as she gave him her answer. Gently he found her lips, overcome with tenderness, love and passion for this woman who had just agreed to spend the rest of their lives together. Right then it didn't matter that they were at war, that their lives could end tomorrow. What mattered was the moment, the idea of hope for the future, a future together, forever. That was enough.


	35. Chapter 35

Commander Karra Shepard, Alliance marine, Council Spectre and all round hero was unsure. She was also happy, giddy and a little overwhelmed, but mostly unsure. But it had nothing to do with the Reapers, the war or anything else military related. Kaidan had proposed and she had accepted, without thinking about it, just following her heart. Shooting things, handling missions, taking care of her crew and her ship, these things she could deal with without hesitation. Getting married maybe having a family, these things made her nervous, unsure.

He was gone when she awoke which was disappointing but she was thankful as she appreciated the rest. She rolled over and could still smell his scent on the pillow, with a grin she pulled it into her arms and curled up against it, her nose buried in its folds.

Reality hit for moment as she thought about the future. Why had she accepted his proposal? If she died would he be able to keep going, move on. It had been hard enough for him last time when their relationship had been new, how hard would it be knowing they had planned a future together. Had she done the right thing? She knew there was a good chance she would die before this was over, she didn't want to but realistically, the odds were against her.

But what if she didn't, what if Kaidan died. Oh god, even the thought broke her heart. Could she go on? Of course she could, she was Commander Shepard, good at keeping her emotions in check, not letting people see how she hurt, how she was tired or scared. Inside she would die, she knew that, just as he had when she died. But there would be no-one to bring him back, there would be no-one to bring her back either. Death was final, it was supposed to be and should have been. But damn she was glad she'd been given a second chance.

She shook her head at the direction of her thoughts, why couldn't she be happy. The most wonderful man she had ever met had asked her to be his wife and she had accepted. They had to have a future, she needed to believe that, she was fighting for that. With a sigh she rolled over stretched. She needed to get out of bed, get her commander face on and go to work.

* * *

><p>'How we doing, Joker?' she wandered into the cockpit with her coffee and looked out at the fleet around them, a mix of Quarian and Geth ships sharing the same space in silence. No guns blazing, no destruction, something she had never thought to see in her lifetime.<p>

'The Admirals are working on gathering survivors and seeing what's salvageable and they're doing it with help from the Geth.' He spun his chair to face her, 'You know I was here and I still find it hard to believe that you stopped a three hundred year old war without one side having to die. You really are an amazing woman, Shepard.'

'Thanks,' she smiled and met his eyes. 'But I didn't do it alone, I have this amazing crew and a hot shot pilot that helped.'

'No, I think you did this all by yourself. You took on a Reaper, alone and on foot. You entered the Geth collective, you talked down Admirals determined to destroy the Geth at all costs.' He chuckled, 'we won't mention that you punched an Admiral and knocked him on his ass.'

'Yeah, not one of my better moments,' she laughed.

'Oh, I don't know, someone will pay good money for the footage,' he wiggled his eyebrows and her and she glared at him.

'Joker,' she growled and he laughed. 'Do you know where Kaidan is?'

'In the comm room,' he turned his chair forward.

'Shepard, is it true,' Tali came rushing towards her.

'What?' she looked at her in confusion.

'Kaidan proposed and you accepted.'

'What?' Joker spun around quickly. 'You didn't tell me, I thought we were friends, Shepard.'

'I didn't know we were telling anyone,' she shrugged, 'but yes, it's true. It won't happen until after all of this is over but yes, I agreed to marry him.' She couldn't stop the smile that lit up her face.

'Congratulations, Shepard,' Joker stood up and hugged her, 'I'm really happy for you.'

'Congratulations, Shepard,' Tali gave her a hug, 'but we don't know if we're going to survive this war, you may never get married.'

'Thanks for the vote of confidence,' Karra raised her eyebrows at the Quarian who suddenly became very flustered.

'No…, I….., sorry….., I didn't mean to imply…' she wrung her hands and shook her head, 'I only meant.'

'It's okay, Tali,' She laughed. 'I know what you mean.'

'I'd better get back to work ,' Tali turned quickly and left.

'I really wish I could see her face sometimes,' Joker chuckled.

'Me too,' Karra grinned and headed for the communication room.

* * *

><p>'Understood, sir, and thank you,' Kaidan ended his conversation as Karra entered the room and he turned to face her, a smile on his face that took her breath away. He urged her into the corner of the room so they couldn't be seen, 'Morning,' he pulled her into his arms and kissed her lightly.<p>

'Why didn't you wake me?' she wrapped her arms around his neck and met his beautiful amber eyes.

'I thought you could do with the sleep, you were pretty exhausted after yesterday.'

'I just thought that after last night we may have had things to talk about,' she tried to step back but he held her against his chest.

'About you agreeing to marry me,' his eyes held amusement as she scowled at him.

'I did, didn't I,' she looked away and she felt Kaidan stiffen.

'Have you changed your mind?' there was panic in his voice and he released his hold on her, his eyes seeking hers but she stared at the floor. 'Karra?'

'There are so many complications,' she said softly, she didn't see the colour drain from his face. 'We can't serve on the same ship, we'd never see each other.' She sighed and he felt the world fall away beneath him as he stepped away from her.

He backed up until he was resting against the communication console, his hands shaking, his mouth dry and his legs just managing to hold him up, his stomach churned and bile burned his throat as he fought the urge to throw up. His dreams tumbled down around him and he couldn't see a way to stop them.

'So,' she finally raised her head and looked at him with tears in her eyes, 'I guess you'll just have to resign and be a Spectre on my ship.' She was grinning but when his legs gave out and he collapsed against the console she realised that he had misunderstood, he had thought she was calling it off, changing her mind. Her heart broke at the hurt and pain in his eyes and she moved quickly to put her arms around him and hold him up.

It took several seconds before her words sunk in and he felt her arms around him. He took a deep breath and pulled her down to the floor, his arms holding her tighter than he thought possible.

'Kaidan, I'm sorry,' she whispered against his chest and he could feel moisture seeping into his shirt. 'Of course I'm not changing my mind, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.' She looked up at him, feeling his heart racing and his hands shaking where they held her.

'Shit,' Kaidan cursed softly, his legs coming back to life and his heart slowing. 'Don't you ever do that to me again, ever, you hear me.' He croaked and swallowed hard. He leaned over and kissed her deeply, desperately, his tongue tasting her lips as she tasted his.

'Yes, sir,' Karra whispered when they came up for air. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.'

'Scare me, you almost killed me,' he groaned as he moved to stand up and help her to her feet. 'I can't live without you, Karra. The thought that you didn't want to marry me, didn't want to be with me…' he shuddered and she touched his face softly. 'You can be a cruel woman sometimes, you know that,' there was no malice in his words as he rested his forehead against hers.

'I won't scare you like that again, I promise,' she looked at him innocently and he kissed the top of her head.

'I offered to help organise the hangar deck so I'd better go,' he took a deep breath and stepped back. 'We managed to restock at the Citadel but nothing's been sorted yet and Steve is complaining about the mess down there. I'll meet you for lunch in the mess.'

Karra watched him leave and sighed as she sat on the step in the war room and looked at the image of the Crucible floating before her. She had her doubts about it working. This was their only plan, what if it didn't work.

'EDI, talk to me about this Crucible.'

'What would you like to know, Shepard?'

'Is it going to work?'

EDI commenced her explanation but Karra couldn't shake the feeling that she was missing something. Someone or something intelligent had built the Reapers and possibly designed the Crucible, why would any race build something that could give their enemies the power to destroy them? Her, 'something's not quite right' bump was itching but she wasn't sure she wanted to scratch it.

* * *

><p>Karra stepped off the elevator and smiled before moving to lean against a bulkhead. Kaidan, James and Steve were moving crates around the bay, that was nothing unusual but all three had their shirts off and Karra couldn't help but admire the play of light on the sweat that highlighted each muscle on their well-toned physiques.<p>

'Enjoying the show, Lola,' James chuckled as he hefted a crate.

'Most definitely,' she grinned.

'Hey, none of that, you're an engaged woman now,' Kaidan walked over.

'Thought I'd come and get you for lunch,' she ran her hand across his glistening chest and he gasped.

'Let me grab my shirt.' He shivered as her breath brushed across him.

'Hey, wait a minute,' James suddenly turned towards them, a smile on his face. 'Did you say engaged woman?"

'Yes, Lieutenant' Kaidan couldn't wipe the grin from his face as he stared into Karra's eyes, 'I did.'

'Way to go, Major,' James laughed and crossed the shuttle bay, pulling Karra into a hug before turning to shake Kaidan's hand. 'Congratulations.'

'From me too,' Steve joined in the hugs and hand shakes. 'So when is the wedding?'

'That will have to wait until all of this is over,' Karra sighed, 'it will give us something to look forward to.'

'How come we weren't told,' Garrus marched out of the elevator and pulled Shepard into a hug before slapping Kaidan on the back.

'Congratulations,' Dr Chawas smiled and hugged them both. 'It's great to have some good news.' She looked at the group around them and shook her head, 'I need to come down here more often if this is the view.'

'You're welcome anytime, Doc,' James chortled. 'I'll give you a show.'

'I'm sure you would, James,' she sidled up to him, her voice like honey, as she ran her fingers down his arm, 'and I'd be happy to watch.'

James almost choked as he tried to spit out his words in response, his face colouring and his eyes as wide as saucers as he tried to backtrack.

'It's alright, James,' the doctor laughed, 'you're not really my type.' Everyone burst into laughter at the relieved look on James's face as he took a deep breath.

'Shepard,' Liara rushed at them from the elevator. 'I need to talk to you urgently.' The tone of her voice and the worry on her face told Karra that she wasn't there to congratulate them.

'Back to work, people, Major, with me.' Karra took Liara's arm and with Kaidan following headed for the elevator, fun time was over and lunch would have to wait.


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: Thank you so much to those of you reading, reviewing and following this story. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I had planned to update earlier but life got in the way so I added two chapters to make up for it.**

Bioware owns all - I'm submerged in their universe and don't want to come up for air.

* * *

><p>Banshees! This was the first time they dealt with these things made from Asari, but Karra already hated Banshees. Their screams went straight through her, made her head vibrate, gave her a headache. Of course that was what they were supposed to do, but she still hated Banshees.<p>

Of all the places to come, an Ardat Yakshi monastery. It was great to see Samara again and joining her in battle brought back memories, but she was here to kill her daughters. Karra thought about Morinth and how Samara had killed her, how many times can a mother kill her own children and not be scarred.

Damn banshees! They seemed to be everywhere at once, just when you thought you'd got away they were in front of you again. It was tiring, very tiring. Eventually they were all taken care of and they were back to searching for the detonator. That's when everything went wrong. One daughter lost to the Reapers, the other left to grieve, then Shepard had to stop Samara from killing herself, that damn Justicar code.

Finally they were back on the Normandy and Karra unwound under the shower. Her hand came to rest on her dog tags. They had swapped tags so she now wore one of Kaidans and he had one of hers, it was an acknowledgement of their engagement and she loved having a part of him so close to her heart.

She jumped as a hand softly touched her shoulder and she turned to look at a naked torso. She looked him up and down, savouring the finely honed muscles, the strong thighs that supported that ass, the wonderful piece of manhood that gave so much pleasure, before finally looking into hazel eyes that shone in amusement. Her eyes dropped to his lips and she softly ran her finger across them. Kaidan stepped into the water and pulled her into his arms.

'How are you going to tell Admiral Hackett we're getting married,' she smiled as she ran her hands over his shoulders.

'I can offer to resign but I doubt he'll let me. He's already said the last thing we should be worrying about were regs. He thinks it won't matter when this is all over, they'll need all the soldiers they can get so regs will be the least of their problems.' He cupped her face and stared into her eyes, slowly closing the gap between them. 'Besides, I'll tell him he'll have to face you if he says no.'

She giggled as he kissed his way down her neck. 'I'm sure that will scare him.'

'Are you kidding, show me someone who's not afraid of you,' he chuckled and his hands came to rest on her backside as his mouth found a nipple.

'You're not,' she gasped.

'Ah, but I have you at my mercy, I know your weaknesses,' he grinned and nipped her nipple as he lifted her so she could wrap her legs around him, his erection slipped inside her and they both moaned. 'See,' he whispered huskily between thrusts and nibbling on her neck, 'at my mercy.'

* * *

><p>Thessia was a disaster. The reapers were there in force and the Asari home world was being destroyed. Karra couldn't believe it when they found a Prothean beacon inside the temple that the Asari had kept secret. Liara was still trying to convince her that there had to be another explanation when Kai Leng showed up.<p>

Kaidan watched in horror as the gunship tore apart the temple, the floor collapsed beneath Karra, and she disappeared into the hole.

'Shepard!' he ran towards where she'd been but was knocked off his feet as a biotic throw hurled Liara against him and they both ended up stunned on the ground. He groaned as he realised his armour was crushed against his ribs and movement was difficult.

Liara recovered more quickly and rushed to where Shepard had disappeared. Kaidan slowly got up and followed and his heart soared as a hand appeared and Liara pulled her into view. She was no sooner out of the hole than she was on her feet, grabbing a discarded pistol and running after the gunship which quickly disappeared from view.

Kaidan limped to where Shepard stood looking out over the devastation, the horror that was Thessia. She was shaking and he knew it was anger but he also knew this was going to hit her hard, she would blame herself, believe she had let everyone down. He reached out for her but she simply pushed past him and ordered Steve to pick them up.

By the time Kaidan had removed his armour and been checked over by Dr Chakwas Karra was already showered and doing her rounds as she usually did after a mission. He wandered down to engineering hoping to catch up with her and ended up in a conversation with Adams about the destruction of Thessia and how Liara was dealing with it. That was when she walked in. He could see she was upset, no one else probably would have noticed the tightness around her eyes or the stiffness in her jaw but he did.

He watched her as he spoke to Adams about Liara and he could see the tension building before she turned and walked out. He followed her to the elevator but she refused to look at him, to talk to him. He refused to let go and as the elevator doors closed he stepped closer and reached for her shoulders but she shook him off and turned away.

'EDI, stop the elevator now,' Kaidan ordered and pulled her around to face him. 'Talk to me, Karra.'

'About what?' she almost spat and his concern deepened. 'About the fact that I failed, that I've lost our only chance to save Earth, to save the galaxy. Or would you rather talk about how I couldn't stop Thessia from being destroyed.' She was pacing now, almost yelling and her biotics flared. 'Or maybe I should just forget about all of that and comfort Liara, everyone seems to forget that I left Earth under attack, we left people behind who could be dead by the time we get back. Liara is not the only one to lose her home but apparently she's the only one that matters.' She looked at the ceiling, 'EDI get this thing moving.'

'Belay that order, EDI,' Kaidan was quick to respond, his voice was strong but still soft and Karra glared at him. 'You can't blame yourself, you did everything you could. We haven't lost yet, we will get the data back.' He stepped closer and watched as her shoulders slumped and her eyes closed. 'You're not the only one worried about the people left behind and Liara is just the latest in a long line of people to suffer the destruction of their home world.' He stepped closer and reached for her, holding her shoulders as she took a deep breath. 'We all have faith in you Karra, we know you will get us through this and we will all be there to help you. You can't take all of this on your shoulders.'

'But that's what's expected of me, isn't it,' she pulled back and punched the elevator wall in frustration, 'and I've let everyone down. I should have been quicker, I should have tried harder, I should have done something…' she sucked in a breath and Kaidan pulled her into his chest and held on even though she fought him. Eventually she gave up and leaned into him.

'You did everything you could, you haven't let anyone down but yourself and that's hard for you to face. We know you always do your best, you can't do anything less.' He lifted her face so he could look into her eyes, 'it's why we all follow you to hell and back without question but you are allowed to make mistakes. You are only human after all.' He kissed her forehead as tears rolled down her cheek.

'But my mistakes cost lives,' she muttered against his shoulder and he could feel her shaking as she finally wrapped her arms around his waist.

'We're at war, loss of life is inevitable, you have no control over that, don't forget you have saved lives too.'

'Not enough,' her anger and self-doubt still smouldered.

'You've done more than anyone should be asked to do and done it without hesitation. Hell, you died saving lives,' he took a deep breath and held her tighter. 'You've saved more lives than anyone else I know and you should be damn proud of that, I'm proud of you.' He looked down at her, 'I love you.'

'I love you,' she whispered and lifted her face for a kiss. 'I'm sorry for getting upset.'

'Hey,' he spoke softly as he met her eyes, 'if you can't be upset around me we're in huge trouble.' He kissed her and wiped away her tears. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah, I'll be fine,' she gave him a weak smile. 'Are you okay, you got hurt and I haven't even asked how you are,' she cupped his face, 'some fiancé I am, some commanding officer.'

'Yeah, I'm fine, a few bruises and my armour needs fixing,' he grimaced but was glad to see Commander Shepard slowly returning, 'And you had other things on your mind.'

She sighed and it seemed to blow away the worst of her mood. 'Thank you, Kaidan,'

'Anything for you, my love,' he stepped back and watched as she fully pulled on her commander persona. 'EDI, we can go now.'

'Yes, Major.' The elevator shuddered into movement.

'I'll see you for dinner,' Kaidan smiled before stepping off the elevator onto the crew deck.

'Of course,' she smiled as the doors closed between them and Kaidan knew she would be alright, she would hurt for a while, blame herself for a while but she would be alright.


	37. Chapter 37

Kaidan struggled out of darkness, adrenaline cursed through his veins and his heart was racing as he instinctively reached for his pistol. It was only a matter of seconds but it seemed like a lifetime before his senses awoke and he remembered where he was. Shepard. Her scream had woken him. He rolled over to find her struggling, fighting some invisible enemy, tears rolling down her face as she screamed in desperation.

'Karra,' he gently reached out and pulled her into his arms. 'Karra, it's okay, you're safe.'

She whimpered against him, pushing him away but he held on until she finally stopped struggling and sobbed into his chest. He held her while she cried, as she gradually became aware and he felt her hands close around his arms. She sucked in a deep breath and her sobs subsided as she pulled herself closer to him, as if she needed the contact to reassure her. He tightened his hold, his heart beating alongside hers as they slowly calmed down.

'Are you okay?' Kaidan whispered and she nodded as she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder.

He stroked her hair and gently kissed her forehead as he felt her relax against him. Eventually she slept and he held her while she did, sleep long since gone for him. He lay alongside her, his thoughts haunted by her screams, he felt helpless. He couldn't save her from her nightmares, he'd hoped that because she hadn't had any for a while the simple fact of him being in her bed had driven them away, given her something better to dream about. Thessia had taken away what little peace she had found in his arms. All he could do now was hold her while she slept and hope that this was only a temporary setback.

* * *

><p>Thessia wasn't a complete loss thanks to Traynor and EDI. Karra could have kissed them as they told her about tracing Kai Leng's trail, about how it led to Sanctuary. They were going back to Horizon. At the mention of Horizon Karra had glanced at Kaidan who eyes darkened and she could see the guilt still lingering there. She smiled at him and he nodded slightly.<p>

'Isn't Sanctuary meant to be a haven, a safe place for refugees,' James frowned.

'Yes, hundreds of people have traveled there in the hope of a new life, of safety,' EDI explained.

'Guess that's where we're going,' Karra sighed. 'Joker, get us to Horizon.'

'Aye ma'am,' she could hear the doubt in his voice but ignored it.

'Dismissed,' she watched her team file out of the war room, only Kaidan stayed behind.

'Are you okay?' she moved around to stand beside him, he could see the exhaustion in her eyes. Her nightmares were back and it showed.

'Yeah, just memories,' he sighed and turned to face her. 'At least this time around we'll be there together.' She rested her hand on his and squeezed gently.

'You can sit this one out if you like.'

'And let you have all the glory, not likely,' he grinned. 'I'll be fine, I just have to let go of the past.'

'I can help you with that,' she smiled and raised her eyebrows.

'I have no doubt,' he laced his fingers through hers and chuckled. 'But I don't think we have time.'

'Raincheck?'

'Raincheck,' he agreed and laughed. 'Better go check the gear,' he nodded and left.

* * *

><p>Sanctuary was a lie, a sickening horrible lie. Cerberus working with the Reapers. No nightmare Shepard had lived through had prepared her for this. People had come looking for a haven and had walked into hell. Dying on a battlefield she could accept, dying as a soldier she could accept but innocent people dying for someone's sick experiments, that she couldn't live with.<p>

This was Cerberus, she had known what they did, how they worked but she had partially ignored that when she had been on the receiving end of their resources. She hadn't liked it, hadn't trusted them and definitely hadn't believed them but she had done it, purely to stop things like this from happening. But she hadn't and now another failure was staring her in the face.

Kaidan sensed where her thoughts were heading, 'This is not your fault, Shepard,'

'We could have stopped Cerberus….'

'No, Shepard,' Garrus interrupted, 'I was there, you did what you could but this is way beyond anything we could have prevented. You had no idea this place even existed. You know how Cerberus works, one cell doesn't know what others are doing or where they are.'

'Shepard?' Kaidan saw the pain in her eyes as she turned to face him. 'This is not your fault.'

She hesitated but then nodded and pushed her thoughts aside, something to be dealt with later. She led them forward and into more horror and chaos. Husks, cannibals, marauders, brutes and banshees. It was as if everything was being thrown at them, utterly testing their strength and capabilities. They didn't disappoint as one by one their enemies were defeated.

Miranda was here and so was Kai Leng. Shepard felt her anger take hold as she saw him on the monitors. They worked their way further into the complex, fighting all the way, until eventually they found Henry Lawson holding his daughter Oriana hostage.

'Miranda,' Shepard glanced at the woman lying on the floor, obviously injured but still alive.

Lawson tried to make a deal and Shepard agreed, knowing he wouldn't leave the room alive. She felt Kaidan's biotics flare but Miranda was faster as she tossed her father through the window to the level below.

They took what they could from the computers but it wasn't much. Miranda provided them with the location of Kai Leng and the Illusive Man's base. It was the first time Shepard had sounded positive since the mission began as she said goodbye to Miranda and her sister and they headed back to the Normandy.

* * *

><p>Joker turned as the door opened behind him. 'What are you doing down here, why aren't you with Shepard?'<p>

'We do have a responsibility to this crew, to the mission,' Kaidan frowned. 'Someone has to make sure everything is ready.'

'I'm sure Shepard has all of that under control,' Joker pointed out, 'she wouldn't be Shepard if she didn't. In fact, I have no doubt she's up in her quarters going over everything one more time, just to be sure. Again, wouldn't be Shepard if she wasn't.' He pushed his cap back and met Kaidan's amused stare. 'EDI, how are Shepard's readings?'

'Elevated heart rate and she appears to be stressed.'

'See, she needs to relax. She'll go over the details all night and be tired for the fight when we arrive.' Joker smirked, 'you need to help her relax, not to mention that you need to relax. So the sensible thing to do would be for the two of you to relax together.' He waved his hands in the air in victory.

'What if we miss something and the mission goes wrong?' Kaidan stood with his arms folded across his chest.

'It will be what it is,' he chuckled. 'Even if everything goes to hell we both know Shepard will pull us through, it's what she does. Besides after this we'll be heading for Earth so you should be making the most of the time we have left before everything goes to hell.'

Kaidan stared at Joker who met his stare with humour in his eyes. He was right, they had prepared as best they could, they were as ready as they were going to be and he could do with some rest. He was sure Joker was right about Shepard too, she would be driving herself nuts with the details.

'Finally,' Joker laughed as he saw acceptance in Kaidan's eyes. 'Go, do some relaxing,' he waved him out of the cockpit.

Kaidan laughed and turned to leave but glanced back, 'Joker, thanks, for everything.'

Joker nodded, 'go, some of us have work to do.'

Kaidan met Garrus as he entered the CIC and the Turian stared at him with what he believed was a frown, 'Why aren't you with Shepard?'

'I'm going,' Kaidan held up his hands in defeat.

He made a quick stop in the staff lounge to collect his bottle of whisky Shepard had given him before heading back to the elevator. James stepped out as he was stepping in.

'What are you doing down here,' James frowned. 'Why aren't you upstairs?'

'I'm going,' Kaidan sighed, shook his head and hit the button for the loft.

The door to the loft opened as he stepped towards it and he almost collided with Shepard who was coming out, datapads in hand. She looked at him with a frown and he held up the bottle and glasses, walking around her and down the steps.

'Kaidan?' she frowned and held up the datapads, 'I have to …..'

'Just a quick drink and then we can get back to work,' he smiled.

Karra couldn't resist that smile and she gave him one of her own before following him to the sofa, knowing full well he had more in mind than a quick drink and she had no problem with that. He was exactly what she needed right now.


	38. Chapter 38

She was burning, the heat sucked the air from her lungs and she gasped for breath. Then she woke up. Her lungs ached as adrenaline cursed through her veins and her heart raced as she stared absently at the stars overhead. The feel of arms around her, warmth, comfort, slowly calmed her and she eventually sat up, her arms resting on her knees, her head buried in her hands.

'What's up?' Kaidan stirred and asked sleepily, quickly pulling himself together and rolling up onto his elbow, his hand coming to rest in the small of her back.

'Are we going to make it, Kaidan,' she whispered.

His heart ached to hear the doubt and fear in her voice, it wasn't something that she usually allowed to escape. He'd heard it before, after Virmire, after Thessia. He reached out and pulled her back into his arms, wrapping himself around her like a protective cocoon, wishing he could take away everything she was feeling.

'Another nightmare?' he nuzzled her hair and she nodded, sliding her arms around him and pulling herself against him. 'You've done everything you can do, you've brought the galaxy together, you've given us all hope. It will be what it is and I believe in you, I trust you to bring us through this.'

'I hope I won't let you down,' she sighed softly.

'You could never let me down. Whatever you do, however this thing turns out I know you will have done everything humanly possible to give us the best outcome, to give us hope for the future.' He lifted her chin so he could look in her eyes, 'You are an amazing woman, my love and you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I will be there by your side until the end and beyond.'

'Kaidan, I….'

'No,' he stopped her words with a kiss. 'You don't get to leave me behind this time. If I have to I'll pull rank. Whatever we face, we do it together.'

'Okay,' she gave him a weak smile and snuggled against his chest. It wasn't long before her breathing slowed and he felt her relax. He slowly followed her into sleep, still wrapped around her as if the physical act of holding her could keep the nightmares away.

* * *

><p>Clinically brain dead. Karra felt the blood drain from her face. She had never really accepted that she had been brought back from the dead, she'd never believed it had been that serious, she'd believed that she had been in a coma or something like it, but the evidence was staring her in the face. Why had she looked? She promised herself she would never look at the Lazarus files, she didn't want to know. But now she had and the reality was worse than anything she had imagined. Then to find that the Illusive Man had manipulated her further by bringing in people familiar to her, why hadn't she seen that.<p>

'I didn't believe it was that bad,' she mumbled. 'What if I'm not really me, what if I'm just some advanced VI that thinks it Commander Shepard.'

'You're real,' Kaidan stepped up beside her and turned her to face him, his hand cupping her face as he met her eyes. 'You are the woman I love, you are a beautiful, caring person with a heart that feels pain, that feels love for me and for your friends. A VI wouldn't feel any of those things.' He reached down and lifted her hand to his face, 'A VI wouldn't feel warm, wouldn't arouse feelings like the ones you arouse in me. You are Karra Shepard, don't you ever doubt that.' He realised how hypocritical he sounded, he had doubted, but those doubts were long forgotten and she could see it in his eyes.

'I have the door unlocked,' EDI spoke from behind them and they both stepped back and reached for their weapons.

Karra smiled and Kaidan nodded, a silent question answered. She took the lead as they moved further into the Illusive Man's base. Another locked door, another console. EDI assured her there was nothing about the Lazarus files so she opened them while EDI worked on the door.

'You were the rogue VI on Luna?' she stared at EDI in surprise.

'Yes, it was difficult, gaining awareness while under attack,' there was no emotion in her voice and Karra wondered if an AI truly felt anything.

'I remember that mission,' Kaidan shook his head in disbelief. 'You put up one hell of a fight.'

'But my attempts at defence failed.'

Shepard watched the rest of the logs, 'I didn't realise they had tried to attack the Normandy,' she looked at the AI with a new found respect. 'Seven zettabytes of data?'

'It was mostly explicit images from Jeff's collection, it was…'

'A joke,' Shepard chuckled and she heard Kaidan laugh softly. 'Thank you.'

'You are welcome, it is my family, my home too, Shepard.' EDI stepped back, 'I have the door unlocked.'

They moved further into the station, eventually coming to stand before a monstrosity that Karra hoped she would never have to see again.

'What the hell is that thing?' Kaidan stared at the creation hanging before them.

'That is what remains of the human proto-reaper that Shepard destroyed on the Collector ship.' EDI informed him. 'The heart is being used as a power source.'

'I didn't think we'd left enough of it to be useful,' Karra sighed and shivered as she remembered taking it down.

'You fought that thing?' Kaidan looked at her wide eyed, he'd read the reports but seeing it in reality brought home just how serious and dangerous her mission through the Omega 4 relay had been. It made him realise just how close he came to losing her for a second time and he hadn't been there, guilt gripped his guts. 'I wish I could have helped.'

'You're here now,' Karra reached for his hand, 'that's all that matters.'

Phantoms and nemeses came at them and with the shield pylons active it was an arduous fight but eventually they made their way along the catwalks. Shepard stepped into the Illusive Man's lair and it was so familiar, so eerie. The battle raged outside like something in a vid, it didn't seem real but she knew people were dying out there. It felt strange to sit in his chair, to work at his console.

'Shepard, you're in my chair.'

She spun to her feet, gun raised but quickly lowered as she looked at the hologram. She felt Kaidan move closer as if he could protect her from the glowing image. TIM looked different, altered and she realised he had used the reaper tech on himself. She listened to him rave on about controlling the Reapers, about how she had never understood his goals, his beliefs. Any hope of convincing him that he was wrong, had been indoctrinated was gone.

'Shepard, I have the data,' EDI informed her.

'Don't overstay your welcome, Shepard,' the Illusive Man smirked and was gone.

Once again Karra found herself talking to a Prothean VI and the news wasn't good. The Citadel was the catalyst. Worse than that, it had been moved into the Sol system. It was at Earth.

'Damn,' She cursed and was about to add more when a familiar voice echoed across the room.

'You were told not to stay too long, Shepard.'

Kai Leng. With an animalistic yell he shattered the floor around them and was almost on top of her before she had time to respond. Reflexes kicked in and she managed to fight him off but just as quickly he was gone.

'Bastard,' she heard Kaidan yell as she spun to see Leng charging towards him.

She sent out a shockwave that knocked Leng off balance as Kaidan sent out an overload. But Leng didn't stop and Kaidan was hard pressed to bring up his pistol and roll away. Karra felt her heart pounding as he watched Leng go after Kaidan, her shockwaves only made him pause and a nova blast made him stagger but he quickly recovered. Without thought for herself she readied a biotic charge but before she could use it Leng was across the room and Cerberus troops almost overwhelmed them. Taking cover in the blown out section of floor she slid alongside Kaidan.'

'You okay,' she asked over the sound of gunfire.

'Yeah,' she sensed his nod as he took out a trooper trying to flank them. 'Want to kill that bastard though.'

'Me first,' she grinned and heard him chuckle.

Karra couldn't remember a fight that was more tiring, more annoying and more frustrating that the one she was having with Kai Leng. Every time she thought she was winning he'd run away to recharge his barriers and more Cerberus troops would appear. He taunted her, avoided her, went after Kaidan and EDI to annoy her but eventually she got the better of him and he lay immobilised on the floor.

With a tired sigh she dropped into the Illusive Man's chair and started going through his files. Kaidan was catching his breath to her left when a sound behind her caught her attention. In one continuous movement she spun to her feet, her arm instinctively coming up to protect herself and her armour snapping Kai Leng's sword, she opened her omniblade and stabbed it into his chest.

'That's for Thane, you bastard,' she cursed as he dropped to the floor, his last breath escaping as she stepped away.

'You okay,' Kaidan was at her side, his hand resting in the small of her back.

'Yeah, I am now.'

* * *

><p>Earth. They were heading home to what could be the last stand for every organic race in the galaxy. But she didn't want to think about that right now. Right now she was enjoying the heat from the water pouring over her as she showered, washing away the disgust she felt from spending time on the Illusive Man's base.<p>

She'd filed her reports, spoken to Anderson and managed to grab a bite to eat before finally being able to strip off her armour and take five minutes for herself. She knew Kaidan had already showered and was making last minute checks and she was eager to spend their last few hours together, she hoped he wouldn't be too long.

Towelling herself dry was an effort, in fact every movement was exhausting, she felt physically sick. She was tired, very tired. She almost stumbled to the bed and collapsed onto it, her eyes closed and she was soon oblivious to everything around her.

That was how Kaidan found her. He gently pulled the blankets around her, trying not let her naked beauty arouse him, before undressing, sliding into the bed with her and pulling her against him. Even in her sleep she cuddled into him and he smiled as his eyes closed and he spent what might be their last time together wrapped around the woman he loved.


	39. Chapter 39

EDI was puzzled. She had been studying the data on the Crucible as requested by Shepard but something struck her as odd. She had checked and re-checked on known translations but several words seemed wrong, out of context. She had asked Liara but had been given the same translation. If she could have sighed she would have as she gathered herself for an aggressive encounter.

'Javik,' she spoke into the room that had become home to the last living Prothean.

'What do you want?'

'I have a question that only you can answer. Shepard has asked me to study the Crucible data but there are several words that seem incorrect.' Words appeared on his screen and Javik looked up, his eyes blinking and his mouth tensing as he read them.

'These words are in the data?' his tone was less aggressive and more curious.

'Yes, they did not seem to make sense in the context of the information.' EDI put up the full data package and Javik gave the equivalent of a frown as he continued to read.

'You are correct,' he said absently. 'The accurate translation gives the data a completely different meaning.'

'Thank you, Javik,' EDI almost sounded like she was smiling.

'I will speak to the Asari about this,' Javik turned to leave the room.

'I will let Liara know you are coming to see her,' EDI informed him and he shook his head.

'I suggest you also take part in this conversation.'

'If you are happy for me to do so I will.'

Javik stepped into the elevator, his thoughts now deeply engrossed in the data he had just read but he couldn't help but think about the fact that an AI had found something he'd missed. Perhaps there was some sense in having it around.

* * *

><p>'Shepard, we have a problem,' Liara and Javik walked into the war room together and Karra looked up in surprise.<p>

'What is it?' she frowned at the concern on Liara's face and the impatient pacing of Javik as he let Liara speak.

'EDI found something in the crucible data, something that means it might not be the weapon we thought it to be.'

Karra felt her stomach churn. Her fear that something would go horribly wrong seemed to be coming true. Earth was only twelve hours away, they were so close to ending this war one way or another and now she was hearing bad news. Of course it had to happen now, why couldn't something just go right, be easy, just once.

'We believe the Crucible could be a trap, a false hope.' Javik stopped pacing and stared at her.

With a sigh she called Kaidan, Tali and Traynor to the war room, as her tech experts she thought they should be in on this conversation, they had all been studying the Crucible data so they knew what was going on. While they waited Liara explained how EDI had noticed the translated words were wrong and when corrected gave a completely different meaning to the data.

It was several hours later when Karra finally put an end to the conversation. They had been going over the data, checking and double-checking but in the end they all came to the same conclusion. Someone had got it wrong. Why hadn't Javik been asked to help with the translation, the language was Prothean and he was a living, breathing example of the race. Liara was apologetic to the point of crying but she hadn't been totally responsible for all the translations, although her work on the Protheans had been the major source of information.

'Okay,' Karra sighed, 'we now know that the Crucible may not work like we thought it would but we still don't know what it will do once it's connected to the Citadel. From the altered translation it appears to be a power source of some sort but what it powers is unknown. It might do nothing at all or it could either wipe out all organic life in the galaxy and the Reapers win or wipe out all synthetic life in the galaxy and the Reapers lose.' She glanced at EDI and thought of the Geth who had only just begun to live as fully aware beings. 'The Illusive Man seemed to think he could control the Reapers and with his resources he may have discovered all of this some time ago, it would explain a few things.

We still have to go ahead with the plans already made, but we're going in with our eyes open, aware of the fact we may have to make last minute decisions or changes. That's the best we can do.' She looked around the room and her eyes lingered on Kaidan for a moment before adding, 'All I have to do now is tell Hackett.'

* * *

><p>Karra was exhausted and after speaking to Hackett she had a headache. He hadn't been happy with her news but he was thankful they had discovered the mistake and she felt sorry for the scientists who would have to look at the data from scratch so close to when it was needed. She walked into the mess to find Kaidan busy cooking something that smelled very familiar.<p>

'Cheese omelette,' she grinned as she came to stand beside him, her hip touching his, her hand resting in the small of his back.

'I thought you might be hungry, I know you haven't eaten since breakfast,' he scowled at her and she laughed.

'Keeping tabs on me, Major?'

'Only doing my job and looking after my CO so she doesn't collapse when we need her most.'

'Thanks,' her head dropped onto his shoulder and he looked down at her in concern.

'You okay?'

'Yeah, just tired, have a headache, have the weight of the galaxy on my shoulders, have this amazingly hot fiancé with this great ass,' her hand slipped down and she squeezed his butt,' who I would really like to take to bed right now,' she smiled up at him, 'you know, just the usual.'

'Sorry,' he chuckled, 'you'll just have to settle for omelettes, although I could offer a massage to help with the headache.'

'Does that involve being naked on the bed, alone in our quarters?'

'It could,' his eyes smouldered and she felt the blood rush to her face. 'But you need to eat first.' He handed her a plate and laughed at the scowl on her face as she followed him to the table.

'So,' she glanced at him, 'what do you really think about this new information?' She took a mouthful of food and sighed, as good as ever, she really was going to miss this.

'Well,' he chuckled at the obvious joy on her face, 'we were never sure of what the Crucible was supposed to do, it was a risk we had to take. Now we have a better idea of what it might do, still a risk but what choice do we have.'

'But who gets to make the decision?' she frowned, 'who gets to choose our option?'

'I guess we won't know that until the Crucible is in place, will we get a choice or will we have no control over what happens,' he sighed and looked at her, memorising her face and wondering if he would be lucky enough to see it again when all this was over.

'If you had to choose?' she met his eyes and he was sure he saw doubt before it quickly disappeared.

'Destroying the Reapers is really the only way to end this.'

'Even if it takes all synthetic life with them?'

'Would you rather we all died and left the galaxy to them so they can do this all over again?'

'No,' she sighed and pushed away her empty plate. 'I just hate sacrifice, there's been too much of that already.'

'Of course we could be wrong about all of this, we could have misunderstood completely what the Crucible is supposed to do. It could be a big piece of nothing, just keeping us occupied while the Reapers wipe us out.'

'That's a cheerful thought,' she chuckled and sipped her coffee. 'Let's hope you're wrong. Let's hope if a decision has to be made it's the right one. Thank you for this,' she waved at her plate, 'it's nice to have a bit of normality.'

'My pleasure,' he smiled and took her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. The toughest part of her job was yet to come and he was happy to give her a moment of quiet before the storm.


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N: Getting close to the end now and while I like what they did with the EC I still have my own ideas about the ending - hated that star kid. Sorry if my story doesn't fit cannon but it is my story.**

**This chapter is a bit longer but it needed to be. Thank you to everyone still reading, following, favouriting and reviewing, it really feels good to know others are enjoying my little piece of the ME story. I have been toying with the idea of starting a fic from ME1 - ideas keep popping into my head, driving me up the wall sometimes, so maybe. I've also been working on stories for both Joker and James as LIs.**

**Anyway, thanks again for sticking with this and I hope you like where I've taken it.**

* * *

><p>They were three hours out from Earth and Karra couldn't help the feeling of dread that was eating away at her. The end was coming. She so desperately wanted to survive, to have the future her and Kaidan wanted, deserved, but she felt an unbearable sense of foreboding. Death would be final this time, no-one to bring her back and she could accept that willingly if it meant the end of the reapers, the survival of her friends, humanity, the galaxy. But she had regrets, so much wasted time, so many wasted opportunities to be with the man she loved, to tell people she cared. With a sigh she left the war room and headed to the shuttle bay.<p>

She found Cortez doing last minute maintenance on the Kodiak and she grinned as she came to stand beside him, 'you just can't stop, can you?'

'Just making sure,' he turned to look at her, his gaze serious. 'Commander, it's been an honour serving with you and I want to thank you for helping me get through my grief, for being a friend.' He reached out and pulled her into a hug. 'Be safe, please.'

'You too, you've become a good friend, Steve, thank you,' she whispered, hugging him back, fighting to hold back tears. She hoped he would make it through. 'I'll see you on the other side, drinks are on me.' She smiled as he stepped back and nodded, his eyes moist.

Taking a deep breath she walked over to where James was checking his equipment and guns. Her heart was aching already but this was something she needed to do. She would probably have time once they were on the ground but she was the Commander of this ship, it was her job to check on her crew on the eve of battle. But it was more than that, this was personal, private, these people were her friends, family.

'James, are you ready,' she watched his hands work confidently as he slipped a heat sink into place.

'Yeah, as ready as I can be,' he stopped working and turned to face her. 'What about you?'

'Ready as I can be,' she echoed his words and placed her hand on his shoulder. 'It's been an honour serving with you James, you're a great soldier, a good friend. Please take care out there.'

He made a sound halfway between a groan and a sob as he pulled her into his arms. 'You too, Lola. We're going to kick those Reapers in the cojones and I'm expecting to see you at the bar when this is over. I think you still owe me a dance.' He grinned, stepped back and snapped a salute, 'Give 'em hell, Commander.'

She laughed, snapped a salute back and nodded before heading for the elevator.

'Attention!'

Karra stopped in surprise as the three engineers snapped to attention and saluted when she entered engineering. She returned their salutes and stepped forward to shake their hands.

'Are we ready, Adams?' she smiled as she shook his hand.

'Yes, ma'am. The Normandy is ready, she'll do us proud.'

'As will you all,' she looked from Adams to Donnelly and Daniels standing behind him.

'It's been an honour serving with you, Commander,' Donnelly stepped forward to shake her hand followed by Daniels.

'And with you, all of you,' Karra stepped back, 'Take care and I'll see you when this is over.'

The three nodded in unison and watched her leave.

'She is one hell of a woman,' Donnelly commented as he returned to his station and Adams and Daniels nodded in agreement.

'You have done well, for a primitive,' Javik turned as she entered his quarters. 'I am proud to know you, Commander.'

'Thank you, Javik,' she grinned, that was the closest she would ever get to a compliment from this fifty thousand year old Prothean.

'Your crew is capable, your chances are better than in any other cycle. Your people may just survive.'

'You have been an excellent avatar for your people, Javik,' she saluted him and he nodded. 'You have done your race proud and it has been a privilege to know you.'

Karra stepped onto the crew deck and paused before the memorial wall. She remembered the faces of those she'd lost. Ashley, so willing to sacrifice herself to save others, Mordin, sacrificing himself to save another race, Legion, sacrificing himself so his race could live, Thane, sacrificing himself for her, for the future. She silently saluted them all.

'Shepard,' Liara rushed forward and wrapped her arms around her.

'Liara,' she returned the hug, tears forming but she managed to hold them back.

'I'm sorry,' Liara stepped back, wiping her own tears away. 'It's just….'

'I know,' Karra interrupted. 'We've been through a lot together, you gave me life, you've been my friend. I am proud to know you Liara.'

'Thank you, Shepard,' Liara met her eyes and Karra remembered the shy historian she had met so long ago. She was still there but now there was a grim determination in those eyes that had seen so much pain and grief. Liara had become a formidable warrior in her own right and Karra was glad she had got to see her come of age.

'Be careful out there,' Karra watched as Liara pulled on her Shadow Broker persona and wondered if it was as obvious when she became Commander Shepard and not just Karra.

'Be safe, Shepard,' Liara gave her another brief hug before returning to her room.

'Shepard,' Dr Chakwas turned in her seat as Karra entered the medbay. A bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy and two glasses sat on the desk and Karra smiled. 'I thought we might have a last drink together before Earth.'

'One drink,' Karra chuckled, 'that would be a change.' She took the offered glass and raised it to the woman who had become her friend and confidant as well as her doctor. 'To you Karin, thank you for being here.'

'To you, Shepard. Thank you for being who you are.'

They downed their drink and hugged, holding each other a little longer as emotions took hold. They both stepped back, their hands holding on for a few seconds more.

'Be careful, stay safe,' Dr Chakwas spoke softly and tears clouded her eyes.

'You too,' Karra whispered as a tear escaped. With a nod she turned and left the room, stopping outside the door to pull her emotions in to check. The hardest was yet to come and she felt her heart pounding as she walked past the sleeper pods.

'Shepard, we were just….'

'I was just…..'

'It's okay, I'm happy for you,' Karra laughed as Tali and Garrus tried to make excuses for their embrace.

'Shepard,' Tali stepped forward and hugged her and Karra was reminded of a young Quarian who had been unsure, shy and questioning. Now Tali was an Admiral in the Quarian fleet, she too had grown into a formidable woman, just like Liara. Karra was especially happy to see Tali come of age, she had always felt close to her, like a sister.

'Tali, you take care, you have a home world to help rebuild,' she stepped back and Tali nodded but Karra was pretty sure she was crying inside her mask.

Garrus stepped forward and hugged Karra, he was trembling and she realised just how good a friend he had become. He had been there from the beginning, never doubting, never questioning, always ready to follow her into hell.

'Give them hell, Shepard, it's what you're good at,' he chuckled and stepped back.

'Only if you're with me,' she smiled. 'There's no Shepard without Vakarian.'

He laughed at that and with a last glance at both of them she walked away.

'Commander,' Traynor turned as she stepped into the CIC.

'Specialist Traynor,' Karra smiled at the young woman who had become a very capable and valuable member of her crew.

'Ma'am, I just wanted to say it's been an honour serving with you on the Normandy. Thank you for allowing me this opportunity.'

'You're an important member of my crew, Traynor, you've earned it and you've made me proud.' Karra shook her hand. 'Take care and be safe.'

'You too, Commander.'

Karra walked towards the bridge fighting back tears and trying to control her emotions. Behind that door was the one person who had been by her side from day one, there to pull her out of some extremely dangerous situations, had saved her and her team more than once. Someone who was the brother she never had, a shoulder to cry on, her security blanket to save her from her nightmares. Next to Kaidan he was the one person she couldn't bear to lose.

'Commander,' EDI stood up from the co-pilot's seat and stood before her. 'I would like to say thank you for allowing me to live, for helping me to understand what life is.' She glanced at Joker before continuing. 'Jeff and I have spoken about what may happen and we want you to know that if you need to sacrifice synthetics to save humanity we understand. I would rather you sacrifice me if it means that Jeff will go on living.'

Shepard felt her whole body trembling and she stumbled backwards into a chair. Was it possible for an AI to feel love, to sacrifice itself for a human. She would willingly sacrifice herself to save Kaidan, to save Joker and everyone else she cared about but to hear those words from something, no, someone who was not human, had only just learned what life is. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she felt strong hands pull her into an embrace.

'Shepard,' Joker whispered into her hair. 'It's okay.' He held her tight and she could feel him trembling, she knew he was fighting back tears. 'We know you will do everything in your power to save us all, we love you for that. But we also know that sacrifices will have to be made and we know how hard that will be on you. We want you to know that we support whatever decision you need to make.'

'Jeff,' she struggled over her words, they didn't seem adequate enough to say what she wanted to say. She lifted her face and met his teary eyes, 'I want you to know how much I care about you, you're the brother I never had. I love you.' She sucked in a deep breath. 'Please live through this, be careful and if you need to run then run. I need to know someone will survive.'

He nodded and closed his eyes against the pain, 'Do what you have to do Shepard, but please do your best to survive. I love you too, I always have.' He took a deep breath and stepped back, snapping to attention and saluting. 'It's been an honour and a privilege Commander.'

'The honour is all mine, Joker,' she met his salute with one of her own. 'I'll see you when this is over.'

'Yes ma'am,' he managed a grin as he slipped back into his seat. 'Who knows, EDI might be the only one left once we fire that thing.'

'If that is the case I will make sure that you are all remembered fondly,' EDI nodded to Karra and sat down, her hand reaching out for Joker's.

Karra wiped her eyes and left the bridge with the vision of a human and an AI finding comfort in each other. It was a memory that gave her hope for a future where synthetics and humans could co-exist, find happiness together. If they had a future.

There was one person she hadn't seen and she knew exactly where to find him. Her heart was racing and she was shaking as she rode the elevator to the loft. She found him standing against the fish tank staring at the fish. The blue light reminded her of the blue that surrounded him when his biotics flared, she loved seeing him like that, it was like watching a fire come to life, full of energy and promise. A promise of warmth, comfort and protection.

Karra stood inside the doorway and let herself drink him in. He was handsome, gorgeous and he was a perfect male specimen in every way. She loved his hair, especially in the morning when it fell loosely around his face and it was soft to touch. The strength of his arms around her made her feel safe, protected, there was strength in his body too but he could be so gentle, so tender. He could hold her up so easily, with passion that overwhelmed her, and she loved wrapping her legs around him, around his ass that was her third favourite part of him, feeling her second favourite part of him inside her.

He turned his face to her and she saw the love in his eyes. It was his eyes that had first drawn her to him, the rich amber warmth that promised so much. While she loved his face, his lips, his eyes were her favourite part of him. He turned fully and opened his arms, smiling and welcoming as she stepped forward and surrendered to his protection, passion and love.

* * *

><p>Kaidan heard the door open, heard her stop and he knew she was watching him. He kept his eyes forward, postponing the moment when he would have to let her go, when they would have to become soldiers with a duty, a mission that could tear them apart.<p>

He knew where she had been, what she had been doing and he understood that she needed to do that alone. She would come to him, be with him for the last moments of peace. So he had waited patiently even though every moment away from her was tearing him apart inside. He knew what was coming, that one or both of them may not live through it. If that was the case he hoped she lived, he knew he couldn't live without her again. Finally he turned his head to look at her.

He watched her standing in the doorway and he loved the way she folded her arms and leaned on her hip. She was beautiful, yes she had scars but they were a part of her beauty, her uniqueness and he loved them all. He loved her strength, her stubbornness, her determination. He loved the softness of her hair and the way it sometimes curled around her chin or drifted across her eyes when she was asleep. His hands remembered the shape of her intimately, her breasts, her hips and thighs. His lips, fingers and tongue remembered the more intimate places, the taste and the feel of her.

But her eyes were what drew him to her. Pools of blue grey that softened when she looked at him, pulled him into their depths, drowned him but kept him alive. He loved her face her lips but her eyes mesmerised him from the moment he looked into them. He turned and opened his arms and she willingly stepped into them, letting down her barriers for him, letting him see Karra Shepard the woman who needed him, wanted him, loved him. His lips found hers, her arms wrapped around him as she let him in. This was their private moment of goodbye, of promises, of hope and no words were needed.


	41. Chapter 41

Kaidan awoke out of a darkness that felt heavy and resistant. It didn't want to let him go but he knew there was something he needed to do, someone he needed to see. He struggled against the weight that held him down and a sliver of light appeared. He reached out for that light, it was his lifeline and he hung on as if his life depended on it. He had the uneasy feeling that if he let go he would never see light again.

Sounds, he heard sounds. Nothing was clear but echoes of words bounced around in his head. He heard alarms, yelling, panic. Then he realised that the panic was his, he was calling out. For who, for what? He felt hands on him and he fought them off. Light flared, blinding, painful. He heard himself cry out but it sounded like someone else. A pain in his arm claimed his awareness as he fell back into darkness.

Light appeared again but he knew time had passed. The darkness released him this time, he floated into the light as awareness returned and he felt the physical sensation of touch in his fingers, in his body. He felt the weight of his humanity as it slowly returned and he opened his eyes. A grey ceiling was above him, the bed beneath him was firm and narrow and he recognised it for a medical bed. Monitors beeped behind him and he felt the pressure of an IV in his arm.

'Slowly, Kaidan,' the familiar voice of Dr Chakwas helped him to focus.

'Where…' his voice was hoarse and he swallowed dryly.

'You're on the Normandy,' she held a straw to this mouth and he drunk deeply.

The Normandy. But there was no movement. The familiar hum of the engines was missing. Had they landed? Memory slowly returned, images, fragments, Reapers, London, the beam, Shepard.

'What happened?' He was fully awake now and he grimaced as pain gripped his chest and shoulder. He realised he was bandaged around his chest and right shoulder and movement was agonising.

'What do you remember?'

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, pain lanced his lungs and he winced. Memory returned and he groaned as the agony of recall took hold.

* * *

><p>'Shepard!' He saw the mako leave the ground and head straight for her. He watched her go down, the mako bouncing where she had been. 'No!' his heart lurched into his throat as he ran towards her.<p>

'Move!' James pushed him sideways and he hit the ground, instinctively rolling but not fast enough.

He felt the tremor as the mako hit the ground where he had been standing. He felt the agonising pain as something tore through his armour and lodged in his chest. He tried to stand but his legs refused to hold him and he crumpled to the ground.

'Shepard,' he muttered, he felt himself sliding into darkness

'Kaidan, hold on.'

Her voice dragged him back. Her hands pulled him to safety. He opened his eyes, met hers and felt life return. He struggled to stand, to show her he could still fight, be by her side. He heard James moan and realised he wasn't the only one hurt.

'Shepard,' he reached for her hand and she gripped his, still strong, still alive. Pain lanced through him and he almost cried out. A shadow passed over him and he realised the Normandy hovered above them. 'No,' he muttered as Shepard pulled him to his feet and half carried him to the cargo ramp. 'Shepard, no.' His voice was stronger as panic set in. She was going to leave him behind.

'Kaidan,' her words were soft, caring. Battle raged around them, noise buffeted them as the red of the Reaper made everything surreal. But she was an oasis of silence, of calm as she held him up and handed him over to James who was staggering up the ramp.

'Karra, no, don't leave me behind, not this time.' He was almost pleading and he knew he should control his emotions but the fear of living without her was more than he could bear.

'Kaidan,' she reached out and brushed his face with her fingers, kissing him lightly. 'I love you, I need you to live. Please.' She was pleading with him now and his heart was breaking.

'I love you,' his voice cracked but there was strength in his words. 'Please, come back to me.'

She smiled and nodded and then she was gone. He felt hands grab him and he tried to push them away but his legs gave out and then there was nothing.

* * *

><p>He gasped as he tried to suck in a breath and pain surged through him. A movement at his side made him turn as Dr Chakwas injected him with pain killers.<p>

'Shepard?' he met her eyes.

'We don't know,' she sighed.

'How bad are my injuries?' he felt the bandages around him knew the news wasn't going to be good.

'A piece of shrapnel from something pierced your armour and underweave and lodged in your chest. Pure bad luck really, if it had hit you at a different angle it may not have done any damage at all.' She scanned him with her omnitool and checked her readings. 'We had to perform surgery to remove it. Luckily it missed your ribs but punctured your lung and shredded the skin where it cut through from your shoulder. You'll have a nice scar when it heals.'

'When can I get up?'

'I'd wait a few hours at least and you will need to eat something.' She paused and he guessed there was more bad news coming. 'You've been out for several days, we kept you sedated to keep the pressure off your lung.'

'Have we landed?' He glanced around but the windows on the medbay were in privacy mode so he couldn't see what was happening outside.

'Sort of,' she shook her head. 'We crash landed, we never made it to the relay. We're assuming we're on an uncharted world somewhere close to the Sol system. Joker managed to get us down without too much damage but without EDI it's taken some time to sort things out.'

'What happened to EDI? Where are we? Why hasn't the Alliance sent help?' Confusion overwhelmed him and there was darkness on the edge of his vision. He forced himself to relax as the doctor looked at him worriedly.

'We followed Shepard's transmitter to the Citadel but once the Crucible fired we lost all communication. Once it was obvious that it was firing Hackett ordered the fleet to leave and meet at the rendezvous point.' She smiled softly at a memory, 'Joker refused to leave but EDI reminded him of his promise to Shepard, that he would make sure they lived, that someone survived. Not long after some kind of wave caught up with us, knocked out most of our systems and threw us somewhere. EDI went off line and we haven't been able to get her back.'

Kaidan sat up, swung his legs over the edge of the bed and reached for his clothes. Every movement hurt but he needed to move, to see for himself what the situation was. He needed to know if Shepard was alive and to do that they needed to get home, back to Earth and hope it was still there.

'Kaidan, you need to rest,' Chakwas tried to stop him but realised she was wasting her time.

'I need to know what's going on, where we are and how we get home. Shepard made me her XO and I need to do my job, take care of her ship, her crew.' he grimaced as his legs took his weight. 'I promise I will be careful and not overdo it.'

Chakwas nodded and watched him slowly leave the medbay. She knew there would be no peace of mind for him until he knew one way or another if Shepard was alive. No-one on the Normandy would be able to move on until they knew. She had been so much a part of everyone's life that they all needed closure. She sighed and started tidying up, trying to keep her own thoughts on something other than her friend who may have sacrificed herself to save them all.

* * *

><p>It was difficult to climb the maintenance shafts but he did it. Without power it was the only way to move around the ship and he knew he was going to be sore before long. He had thought about going to engineering but he wanted to see Joker, he knew his friend would be in pain and he knew he shouldn't be alone. They were running on limited back-up power with minimum lighting and he almost stumbled over cables as he stepped out of the shaft. He groaned as the movement pulled at his injuries.<p>

Kaidan limped onto the bridge and found Joker sitting quietly in his chair. His screens were all blank and the place was as silent as a tomb. In a way he guessed it was. Joker turned as he heard his shuffling steps, his eyes red and lifeless, his hands folded in his lap.

'You know, EDI told Shepard we understood that she may have to sacrifice someone to save the galaxy and we said we'd be okay with it.' He looked up at Kaidan, 'but I'm not.' He shuddered and a tear rolled down his cheek. 'How do I deal with this?'

'I don't know,' Kaidan sat in the empty seat at the back of the bridge and looked at his hands. 'I didn't deal with Shepard dying, I didn't want to for a long time. I was in pain and nothing could take that away.' He raised his eyes and met Joker's dead stare. 'I don't know if I can do that again, I don't want to do that again.' He realised how selfish that sounded but he knew nothing less than honesty would serve.

'I'm an idiot,' Joker was speaking to himself rather than Kaidan who simply sat and listened. 'I had to be the one who fell in love with a computer. There was no chance of ever having any physical, she would have broken me. She said she loved me but how would she know.'

'EDI was more than just a computer, Jeff,' Kaidan shook his head. 'She was alive, she had feelings, shit she even wanted to help me and Shepard with our love life. If that's not human I don't know what is. Are you sure she's gone?'

'Tali, Liara and Traynor have been trying to get her back but power is an issue. The last thing she said to me was 'Jeff, I'm going offline now.' Joker belatedly realised that Kaidan was in a similar situation and cursed himself silently. 'Shit, how are you doing, Kaidan?'

'Been better,' he sighed and looked at his hands. 'I've been here before and it doesn't get any easier. I left her,' he fought back tears, 'I promised her I would be by her side to the end and I failed again.'

'Damn it Kaidan, you almost died on the operating table. You would have been no good to her in the condition you were in, you would have been a hindrance. And you know damn well she wouldn't have left you behind if she'd had a choice, she had to complete the mission and apparently she did. She saved us, again.' He leaned forward and met Kaidan's eyes, 'she may be alive, we won't know until we get back.'

'Yeah, I'm holding on to that thought,' he was trying to convince himself as much as Joker.

'_I'm going to be waiting for you, you'd better show up.'_ Kaidan remembered those words and the emotion behind them and fought back a sob. He'd almost given up on Earth but he wasn't going to do that now, it might be a false hope but he wasn't ready to let go, not yet. _'I'm coming my love, please be waiting.'_

Last time Shepard had died he'd known, he had a sense of utter loss and emptiness from the moment she died. He didn't have that feeling this time, he still felt her if that was possible. He sensed that she was still alive and he was holding on to that.

He pulled in a painful breath and became the Alliance Major he should be. 'Where do we stand and what needs to be done?'

Joker started giving him a report on their situation but Kaidan found his mind wandering. He realised that Joker was staring at him and he pulled his thoughts back to the situation at hand. If he ever wanted to find Shepard they needed to get home so he needed to concentrate. With a heavy heart and aching lungs he listened carefully as Joker continued to list the problems he had yet to face.


	42. Chapter 42

Karra sucked in a breath. It felt like forever since her lungs had held the air that she desperately needed. The world around her slowly returned and she felt a crushing weight on her legs, a mass around her head and shoulders, she opened her eyes but saw only grey. She tried to move but agonising pain stabbed through her and she screamed.

Dust and dirt fell onto her face and she realised that the debris around her was slowly being moved. She saw a sliver of light as the mass around her head seemed to lighten and she felt the agony of possibly broken legs as the weight was lifted and feeling returned. She wanted to scream but she cried silently through closed eyes as more debris disappeared. Someone had found her, was getting her out. She finally felt free of the rubble and soft hands lifted her gently, supporting her tenderly as if she was a newborn baby.

She opened her eyes and looked into the dark eyes of a Keeper, and she remembered.

* * *

><p>Kaidan was safe. He would live. He would survive. It became a mantra. She repeated the words as the red beam destroyed the world around her. Screams echoed distantly, the white noise of battle, death surrounded her but she ran. Explosions rocked the ground, gunfire sounded surreal, but she ran. Red hit the ground before her and she swallowed dust and dirt, coughing as she struggled to stand.<p>

'They've been decimated, no-one made it to the beam.'

The voice she heard in her ear was distant, hollow. She lurched to her feet she couldn't run but she could walk. Time seemed to slow and the beam still seemed so far away but she walked. Husks came towards her and she fired the pistol that seemed fused to her fingers, and she walked. Her legs trembled and pain shot through her but she walked, staggered and finally fell into the beam.

Fire, burning, hot. It was as if she had stepped into a furnace but just as quickly it was gone. She was on her knees, gasping for breath, the smell of death all around her. Bodies appeared in the half dark and she stumbled to her feet, dragging herself forward. She passed a Keeper and it stopped what it was doing and watched her. A sound in her ear made her jump and she realised someone was speaking to her.

'Anderson,' she mumbled but he heard her.

They had made it, they were on the Citadel but nowhere she had ever seen before. Stumbling she kept moving forward, every inch of her body hurt, she felt like her skin had been ripped away and breathing hurt, but she kept going. Kaidan was alive. She had to keep going. He would survive. She lurched to a stop as a door opened before her. Around her everything moved, power arced across a chasm that was a constantly changing form. She walked forward, across the narrow path that led upwards.

Events seemed to happen around her, as if she was disconnected from reality. Did she shoot Anderson? She wouldn't have done that. The Illusive Man, still convinced he had control until she shot him and watched him fall into oblivion. The Citadel arms opening as she fell against the platform alongside Anderson where they watched the battle for Earth outside.

'You did good child, I'm proud of you.' Anderson sighed his last breath and she was alone, dying.

But Kaidan was alive, he would survive. The Crucible could fire and the war would be over. Nothing happened. The Crucible docked and nothing happened. She felt useless, helpless, a failure. So much time and so many resources wasted on something that didn't work. Earth was lost, humanity was lost, the Reapers had won. Her eyes closed in surrender.

'Wake up.'

Karra jumped and opened her eyes to see the young boy she hadn't been able to save on Earth.

'You didn't save me.' He accused.

She closed her eyes and shook her head, he wasn't real, he couldn't be real.

'You let me die, you didn't save me.'

She opened her eyes and looked up to see Jenkins standing before her, 'I tried,' she whispered and he disappeared to be replaced by Ashley.

'You left me to die, you made the choice.'

'I'm sorry,' she moaned. 'I tried to come back but it was too late.'

One by one everyone she had ever lost stood before her, accusing her. She knew they weren't real but she couldn't stop the guilt, the feeling of failure.

'You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me.'

Kaidan, but he wasn't dead, he couldn't be dead. She realised that they were the words he had spoken on Horizon, an old memory. She remembered the last words they had shared, promises of love and a future, hope. She rubbed her face with her hands, smearing her own blood onto her cheeks. She opened her eyes and looked into the face of a Keeper.

Images flashed into her mind of battles fought and lost, of multiple cycles of Reaper destruction, of sacrifices, deaths and rebirth. A never-ending cycle of chaos. Then the images changed and she knew this was before the Reapers. One image stopped and she saw a race of beings similar to the Keepers but smaller, almost childlike. She watched as they were forced inside the Citadel before it was completed, as it was built around them, as they were altered to suit the needs of the builders. Reapers were the builders, but they weren't like the Reapers she knew, they were different and she understood that they were being controlled, they had been created as workers. But each Reaper had an intelligence, someone who had been willing to become one with the machine.

Time passed. She watched as the Reapers became aggressive, became dominant and forcibly took other races into themselves, making them one with the machines. The Keepers also watched but they came under the control of the Reapers. Time passed.

The Keepers watched, cycle after cycle they watched as race after race was destroyed. They felt sorrow, felt the pain of those they had come to know, to think of as their children as they found the Citadel and evolved. The Keepers evolved too. They watched silently but they evolved and they learned the secrets of the Reapers. They sent out the clues, the information into every cycle and watched as it was carried forward, built upon, understood. They watched as each cycle edged closer to true understanding.

They had thought the Protheans might be the race to save the galaxy, but they were too arrogant, too aggressive in their nature and the Keepers worried for the races they forced under their control. The Asari were too self-centred, unwilling to share the knowledge they found; the Turians were too military in nature; the Salarians too willing to alter the natural course of evolution; the Krogans were too self-destructive.

Then they watched as humans appeared on the galactic stage. For the first time they felt hope. When humans stopped the signal that began the next cycle they felt relief. When a single human was willing to stand and take down a Reaper they cried. This was the cycle they had waited for. But there was still doubt, humans were still growing, still learning. Yet a single human united the galaxy like never before, brought together civilisations that had been at war for centuries, united organics and synthetics.

A memory flashed into Karra's mind, the last few hours on the Normandy, her goodbyes, her hopes for the future. The image stopped and she saw herself in Kaidan's arms as they spent their last hour together, simply sitting, taking comfort in their love. More images flashed, her tears for those she lost or had to sacrifice, for her inability to save Earth, to save Palaven, Thessia. Her anger at the Illusive Man but she tried to convince him of the truth. Her frustration with those who wouldn't listen and her loyalty to her people, to those she cared about, loved.

The Keeper blinked and she sensed relief, as if a weight had been lifted from its shoulders. A memory surfaced of Chorban, he had sent her the data from her scans, he had thought the Keepers communicated telepathically and were more than non-sentient beings. It appeared he was right. The Keeper touched her gently, tenderly before showing one last image, one that Shepard felt truly gave hope for the future. It was the image of EDI reaching for Joker's hand and him taking it.

Karra couldn't stop the tears that formed and rolled down her cheek. The Keeper reached out and picked up a single tear, raising it to its eyes to examine it. She felt warmth and happiness wash over her. The Keeper tilted its head, as if it was listening to something before turning to the console behind them and entering commands.

'Wait,' She tried to get to her feet but failed. 'Please, help us destroy the Reapers.'

An image of EDI and the Geth flashed into her mind. She couldn't stop the sob that escaped. Her sorrow was physical and she was shaking as she thought of the sacrifice she was asking them to make. But she remembered her last conversation with EDI and looked up at the Keeper, willing the image to appear in its head. Her own image appeared, the cybernetics Cerberus had used made her partly synthetic, destined to the same fate as other synthetics. She nodded and the Keeper tilted its head, as if it was asking why. She would have liked to say it was for the galaxy, for all the races that lived in it but only one image came to mind. Kaidan. Her love for him overwhelmed her, his love for her left her breathless. She dropped her head and let the tears fall as she accepted she would never see him again.

An image of the Illusive Man appeared as he talked about controlling the Reapers and she shook her head.

'What happens when control poisons the one controlling it, becomes uncontrollable?' The sound of her voice made her jump but it focused her thoughts. She wiped away her tears.

An image of her own humanity blended with cybernetics spread out across those she loved, across the worlds they inhabited.

'I would be as bad as the Reapers, forcing my will on not just one race but all of them. I will not force anyone to lose their right to natural evolution.' She raised her head and pleaded with the Keeper, 'I need to destroy the Reapers, it's the only option.'

It blinked and went back to entering commands. She realised the choice was not hers to make and she closed her eyes against the pain of loss, of failure as she waited for the end to come. But it didn't. She felt the Citadel shaking around her and she watched as the Crucible fired, a bubble of energy bursting out and spreading in every direction. She heard the order for the fleet to leave and she watched in disbelief as the wave washed over the Reapers outside and they shuddered violently then died.

She heard the cheers as the wave washed over Earth and she guessed that the Reaper forces had been stopped there too. That was when she allowed herself to cry, to release the fear and doubt she had been holding on to for so long. Humanity would survive, Kaidan would survive. She could die knowing she had achieved that. She watched as an image flashed onto the console screen, the Charon relay activation and the wave passing into it. The relay died and she understood that it would work again in time. She could accept that if it meant the galaxy was free of the Reapers.

The Citadel continued to shake around her as the Keeper looked back at her and she felt gratitude wash over her. She had released them from a forced servitude, she had saved them without even knowing they needed it. It was the last thought she had before the Citadel crashed down around her.

* * *

><p>The Keeper that carried her climbed over rubble and debris but she didn't feel it. She knew she was seriously injured, dying and darkness pulled at the edges of her mind as they reached the Citadel wards. Voices around her made her realise there were still people on the Citadel, they hadn't left, or hadn't been able too. Moans and cries told her there were injured, the sound of medical staff giving orders gave her a sense of relief. She looked up to see the arms of the Citadel badly damaged and spread wide like the petals of a flower. Parts of it were dark and obviously destroyed. But there were pockets of light, survivors.<p>

'Oh my God,' she heard someone cry out and suddenly the Keeper stopped.

She looked up into its eyes and a tear rolled down its cheek as she felt pure joy and happiness. Gently it placed her on a stretcher as a doctor appeared alongside her. She nodded lightly as the Keeper met her eyes then turned and walked away.

'Commander Shepard,' a familiar voice spoke and she turned to see the face of Dr Michel before giving in to the darkness and finally allowing herself to succumb.

* * *

><p>AN: Almost at the end now, one maybe two chapters left. It always puzzled me why we had to scan the Keepers in ME1 but the information was never used. Perhaps it should have been.

Thanks again to everyone who has stuck with this and I hope you like the way it ends.


	43. Chapter 43

Kaidan climbed down the last few steps to engineering and stopped to gather his breath. Two weeks had been long enough for him to mostly recover from his injuries but he was tired, so tired. Sleep was almost impossible, every time he closed his eyes he saw Shepard, longed for her. Twice he had felt the sense of her failing and he was terrified that he was losing her, again. His heart reached out to her, the feeling of her had strengthened and he knew she had survived and it gave him hope. He remembered their last moments together in their cabin and it was only when his body virtually collapsed from exhaustion that he got the rest he needed, and that wasn't often enough.

It didn't help that the humidity was stifling, especially in the narrow shafts of the ship. While the planet they landed on supported human life, at least they had been lucky there, it certainly wasn't comfortable. It was hot and steamy, even the regular afternoon rain was warm and while that allowed for showering the sweat and stickiness was soon back. After some discussion they'd decided not to set up a distress beacon yet. They had no idea what was happening out in the galaxy and the crew was confident they could get things working. If they didn't they could always put the beacon up later. He was hoping that they wouldn't be here much longer.

He slipped through the half open doors of engineering and found Adams half buried under a console, a jagged scar ran the length of his arm from a nasty slice he took during their well-managed but unfortunate landing. They were lucky, no-one died.

'Major,' he mumbled as he straightened, he looked haggard and pale and Kaidan wondered when he'd slept last.

'Adams, how are we doing?'

'Just putting the final bypasses in place, should know within the hour.'

Kaidan nodded and walked to where the drive core sat silent and still. Whatever the Crucible had thrown at them it had fried most of the major power linkages. Adams, Tali, Daniels and Donnelly had worked miracles with bypasses and reroutes to get them to a point where they were ready to try and restart the core. If, and he hated that word but they were relying on hope right now, if it started they would have power back. If they had power they could work on communications, navigation and flight control. He'd promised Joker they would also try and restart EDI. He had hated pulling Tali, Traynor and Liara off working on EDI but survival came first.

'Boshtet!'

'Problem, Tali?' Kaidan turned to see her working on her suit.

'Caught my suit again,' she sighed and shook her head. 'I'm already swimming in antibiotics from the rip when we landed, I'd rather not add more.' She examined her suit more closely and gave another sigh as she realised she hadn't actually torn it.

'Why don't you take a break,' Kaidan placed his hand gently on her shoulder, she had been working non-stop since the crash, only taking a break when Garrus came down and dragged her away.

'I'll take a break when we know this works,' she snapped but quickly turned to face him. 'I'm sorry, Kaidan…but I….'

'It's alright,' he squeezed her shoulder and sighed. 'We all feel the same.'

They had all been working non-stop. Garrus and James had been surveying the area around them, bringing in samples for Dr Chakwas to test, finding fresh water and generally watching for threats. Some of the fruit tested okay and they had brought back something that looked like a rabbit in the hope that it was edible but apparently when it was cooked it produced a toxin that was deadly. It didn't help Garrus and Tali with their diet anyway and Kaidan was worried that they would run out of food for them.

Steve, with help from the crew had managed to drag some of the smaller storage crates outside to collect rain and had manufactured portable showers out of them so at least they could feel clean. He'd also rigged some outdoor toilets so sanitation didn't become an issue inside while the systems weren't functioning at full capacity. Kaidan realised how lucky they were to have him on board on day three when he set up a bbq outside to cook the slowly defrosting frozen meat they carried before they had to toss it because of spoilage. It lasted slightly longer once cooked and they enjoyed full meals until it was gone. Now they were down to tinned or dried foods, and they wouldn't last forever.

Traynor, Liara and others on the crew had been working on the communication and electronics in CIC. They too were ready to test their work but they needed power first. Kaidan had stumbled on Traynor and Liara kissing and while he was happy for them his heart had cracked. He wanted so much to feel Karra's lips, her hands, to hear her laugh. It was all he could do to stop himself from curling into a ball and crying.

Joker spent his nights outside looking at the sky, trying to work out where they were from old star maps he'd had tucked away somewhere. Kaidan sat with him, fascinated by his knowledge of ancient navigation, he hadn't realised that Joker was so informative, he was so used to his sarcasm. He made it his job to make sure Joker didn't fall over something in the dark, the last thing they needed were broken bones. It also helped to keep their minds of other things for a while.

'I think that does it,' Adams informed him and he pulled his thoughts back to the task at hand.

Everyone gathered and watched the core as Adams punched in the start commands. At first nothing happened then slowly sparks ignited, lights flickered and the core roared to life. Kaidan let out the breath he had been holding and he felt Tali shaking his arm with joy. Daniels and Donnelly were hugging and Adams had a grin from ear to ear. Kaidan reached out and took his hand, pumping it madly in gratitude. With a renewed sense of hope he headed for the CIC.

* * *

><p>'I think we're over the worst of it.'<p>

A voice echoed in Karra's mind and she struggled to comprehend where she was, what was happening. She was floating in a dark void, sounds and sensations of a world around her intruded but she simply wanted to sleep. Silently she slipped back into the void, welcoming the darkness, the silence the finality.

Then she felt it. A longing for her, want, need and love. It wrapped itself around her like a warm blanket and she instinctively snuggled into it. She let it in, let it fill her. Her heart responded and she smiled into the void. Kaidan. She knew, she believed and she fought back the darkness.

'She's sleeping normally now.' The voice said softly and Karra slipped into a dream.

_Arms tightened around her and soft kisses worked their way down her neck, across her shoulders. She surrendered to the sensations that tingled across her skin, sent shivers down her back and aroused her in ways she never thought possible. Calloused fingers softly worked their way across her shoulders, lightly caressing her nipples as they brushed over them. She felt the electricity of biotics as a hand ran across her hip, down her thigh and found her wet core. A moan escaped as pleasure overwhelmed her._

'_Stay with me forever, my love,' a husky, emotion charged voice whispered in her ear. 'I love you, until the end of time.' The lips that spoke those words found hers and she wanted, needed to have him, to have life._

When she managed to open her eyes some time later she was surprised to see the Citadel spread out before her. Confusion took hold and she felt panic rising. Had she been dreaming? Were the Reapers still out there? Monitors above her registered her rising heart rate and a hand on her arm made her turn.

'Shepard,' a familiar face smiled down at her and she swallowed the cry that had been building.

'Miranda?'

'Relax,' Miranda looked up at the monitors before looking back at her. 'You need to rest, to heal. The worst is over but you are extremely weak, you need to regain your strength.'

'Where am I,' she whispered hoarsely, her throat felt closed over and she gladly accepted the water Miranda offered. 'What are you doing here?

'On the Citadel, what's left of it,' she raised her eyes to the view out the window. 'It took some serious damage when the Crucible fired but parts of it are still intact, still operating. The facilities here are better than on Earth for the moment. Admiral Hackett asked me to come and make sure you survived, I think he has a soft spot for you.' A half smile formed and her eyes glistened.

'How long?'

'You've been in an induced coma for almost three weeks. We had to perform major surgery, your legs were badly damaged, not broken but the skin and muscles were torn open. Your arms and lower legs were missing skin where your armour burned away but the skin weave we applied earlier is rebuilding itself. Two broken ribs and bruised pretty much everywhere. You had a severe head injury and we had to reduce the fluids and swelling. All in all you were a mess.'

'I was supposed to die,' Karra mumbled. 'My synthetics, I should have died.'

'You almost did, but your synthetics are fine.' Miranda took her hand gently and Karra was surprised to see tears forming. 'You saved us all, Shepard. You destroyed the Reapers.'

Karra sighed and allowed herself to enjoy the relief that filled her. It was over. They had a future. They could get married. Then it hit her.

'Kaidan,' she looked up at Miranda with fear in her eyes. If he was alive why wasn't he here?

'Shepard,' Miranda had dreaded this moment. 'We don't know. Hackett ordered the fleet to leave, the Normandy was the last ship to obey his order and they got caught in the wave that knocked out the Reapers. We haven't heard from them and no-one had been able to find their tracking beacon. Unfortunately, most of the com buoys were damaged by the same wave that killed the Reapers so if they do have communication working we still may not hear from them. Engineers are working on getting communications back up but it takes time.'

Tears formed and she choked back a sob. Karra turned to stare out the window, unwilling to accept that he was gone. She could still feel him, sense him. He couldn't be dead, she'd fought to hard for that to happen. After everything she'd done, been through, she was entitled to some happiness. She had to find him. With a grimace she tried to sit up and get out of bed. Pain stabbed through her and she cried out as Miranda gently pushed her down.

'Shepard, you're not ready to get up, you need to recover.' Miranda placed her hand gently on Karra's shoulders. 'If I need to I will sedate you. We are trying to find them, please trust us to help you.'

Karra nodded, giving in to the exhaustion. She knew Miranda would sedate her and she needed to think, to work out why she was alive, where the Normandy and Kaidan were.

_I'm waiting Kaidan, please come home._ She closed her eyes for a moment but sleep claimed her, her body repaired itself slowly as she slept.


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N: Well here it is, the end. Had planned one chapter but it grew to two, who am I to argue with these characters. Hope you enjoy and there is an epilogue - hope to have it up in a couple of days, it's almost complete.**

**Thanks again to everyone who has stuck with this, as much as I enjoyed writing it would be nothing without you the readers. Playing ME1 again at the moment so a story is in the works that takes us back to the beginning of this wonderful relationship. Hope I can do it justice.**

**Thanks again to Bioware for giving us such wonderful characters to write about and a fabulous universe to play in.**

* * *

><p>Admiral Hackett studied the never-ending reports that flowed across his terminal. As the highest ranking Alliance Officer remaining everything ended up on his desk. There were still politicians out there, some had been on Earth when the attack started, others had been on Arcturus Station. While those that remained were trying to restore order, the Alliance was the only able body that could do anything about it. The Alliance brass had also been on Arcturus, only three other Admirals remained but he had seniority due to length of service. He would have been happy to hand command over but he was the only one with the experience to deal with everything. Thus the inundation on his terminal.<p>

Requests for medical aid, troops to move debris, food supplies, ship fuel and the list went on. He had questions from the Turian, Asari, Quarian, Krogan and Salarian leaders about the progress on the relays, so far the news was not good. The Geth ships were still out there, just sitting dead in space, they had gone dead just before the wave hit them, as if they knew it was coming. The Reaper ships had fizzled and died, it was the only way he could describe it.

He turned and looked out the observation window at the Citadel. The damage was extensive but the Council had pulled itself together and were making inroads into the devastation. There was word that strangely the Keepers were bringing in survivors, repairing and restoring areas that were most needed. It amazed him that the Citadel had survived, that so many who had not been able to flee had survived. Shepard had survived.

He had gone to visit her once she was awake and her report on the destruction of the Reapers had fascinated him. She tried to explain that the decision hadn't been hers, that the Keepers had the final say. He argued that her convictions, her loyalties and beliefs in those around her were enough to convince any race that the Reapers had to be destroyed. As much as she hated the hero title she eventually accepted that without her the Reapers would have won, that what she did was miraculous, in every sense of the word. What he couldn't do was stop the sadness and despair in her eyes when she asked about the Normandy, about her crew. He was determined to see those eyes twinkle again, to see a smile on her face, to see her happy. It was the least he could do.

His eyes closed as he thought about his dear friend who hadn't survived. He and David Anderson had joined up at the same time, served together, shared each others lives for so long. It had been David who put Shepard forward as the first human Spectre, he had been so proud of her. He would have been overjoyed that she had survived, destroyed the Reapers. Hackett made him a silent promise that he would watch over her, although he knew Major Alenko would have that job, if he came home. It was against regs but there was no way anyone was going to separate Shepard and Alenko as long as he was an Alliance Admiral. They both deserved some happiness. Hell, they deserved to retire to a beach somewhere and live out their lives in peace and quiet. He couldn't quite see that happening though and as much as he hated to think it, they were still needed.

He had a headache and he massaged his temples as he sorted through the to do list in his mind. It was only a month since the Reapers had been defeated, but it felt like a lifetime. It seemed unreal that the Reapers no longer existed, they had died because the galaxy had come together, worked together and fought together. All because one person believed. How did you thank someone for that, for saving lives, planets, an entire galaxy? There was one way he could.

'Have we heard from the Normandy?' He glanced at the communications officer. The Normandy wasn't the only ship that hadn't reported in but as heartless as it sounded it was the one ship he wanted to find.

'Not yet, sir, but we've only just brought the Sol com buoys on line.'

'I want to know as soon as we do.'

'Yes sir,' the officer nodded, he knew why it was so important, everyone knew why and everyone wanted to see them come home. Everyone wanted to thank the one person who had saved them all and if that meant finding the Normandy that's what they would do.

A garbled message caught his attention and he worked at clearing it up. It was faint, outside the com buoy range but it was moving, coming closer. He adjusted his equipment, used all his skills to pull the signal in, check the transponder identification. He couldn't stop the smile on his face as he turned to the Admiral.

* * *

><p>Kaidan stood behind Joker, his fingers digging into the leather of his seat. He stared out of the viewports willing Earth to come into view. Three days ago they had lifted off the planet they had developed a love hate relationship with. It had saved their lives and provided resources they needed but it had become one of the most uncomfortable places he'd ever been as the temperature soared and tempers frayed.<p>

The tension as they fired the engines was a physical entity, exhaustion and stress making everyone jumpy. But fire they did and everyone cheered as the tension melted away. They weren't home yet and they still had problems that may stop them from getting there but they were on their way. There was hope and relief.

'Major, I can't seem to find any com buoys,' Traynor spoke from the CIC.

'It's possible they were damaged or destroyed by the wave. We may have more luck as we get closer.' They were transmitting a status update request on all frequencies, Kaidan had stuck to Alliance procedure. It was all he had to hang on to.

Joker had been correct about their position and they calculated it would take them roughly two weeks to get home. They had basic systems running with repairs continuing as they traveled, they had thought about waiting a few more days to get systems up but everyone wanted to get home. Joker had his work cut out flying with limited computer assistance and with only partial navigation, but he was good, he was the best pilot in the galaxy. Kaidan had no doubt and he was going to recommend him for commendation, he'd saved them when they landed and he was saving them again now.

'Major,' Traynor called and he turned to look back at her. 'I've found something.'

'What is it?' Kaidan asked as he came to stand beside her.

'I was scanning the frequencies, trying to find any kind of communication, news, something and…' she looked up at him through moist eyes. 'I'm sorry, sir, I found this.'

Kaidan felt his heart lurch, fearing the worst as he looked at her monitor. Traynor had found a news feed coming off the Citadel. Relief washed through him at the thought it had survived, that meant that Shepard could have survived. He corrected himself, she had survived, he knew it.

'Word today that the body of Admiral David Anderson was found among the rubble of the Citadel. Admiral Anderson and Commander Shepard were the only two to make it to the Citadel from Earth in the attempt to defeat the Reapers. Admiral Anderson will be given a full military funeral with honours as soon as it is practical. There is no word yet on Commander Shepard.'

The news report panned back to show the mountains of rubble behind them and beyond that the damaged arms of the Citadel. How could anyone survive that? But she had survived it before, survived Sovereign crashing into the Presidium. He knew she had survived this time. He had to believe that. He looked at the date stamp, two weeks after the final assault.

Kaidan placed both hands on the console and dropped his head, his eyes staring at his boots. Two weeks and they hadn't found her. Was he wrong, was he just holding on to false hope? He didn't want to let go of hope, not yet, he couldn't. He would have no reason to live if he did.

'Let the crew know about Anderson,' he said softly, his voice cracking as he thought about his good friend and mentor. Anderson had been more than his commanding officer and it hurt to think that he was gone. 'We'll put his name on the Memorial Wall.' Kaidan pulled himself upright and looked at Traynor. 'Keep searching for more, for anything. Good work, Traynor.' He gave her shoulder a gently squeeze before heading for the elevator and med bay, the beginnings of a migraine were starting and he couldn't afford to let it take hold, not now.

* * *

><p>Hackett stood behind the Communications Officer, his hand resting on his chair, his heart pounding. It had been several hours since he first found that distant signal that had given everyone hope, it was distant and faint, but it was getting clearer. He watched the officer work, his hands moving faster than Hackett thought possible as he adjusted frequencies, fought to gain every ounce of power from the com system. His shift ended two hours ago but he refused to leave. Around him everyone had stopped and was waiting, hoping, crossing fingers and using any other beliefs, lucky charms and simple wishing to make this happen.<p>

'Alliance Command, this is SSV Normandy, requesting status update.'

And there it was, a standard Alliance protocol message for times of war, but it was there. Cheers broke out, people hugged, cried, laughed or silently prayed to whatever deity they believed in. Hackett let out a deep breath and put his hand on the Communication Officer's shoulder, squeezing gently.

'Good job, very good job.'


	45. Chapter 45

The Normandy crew stood before the Memorial wall in silence. They had been forced to drop out of FTL several times to allow temporary repairs to cool down, the lesser systems weren't designed to carry their current load and they overheated. Rather than risk having them fail they started dropping into normal space when necessary. It was taking longer to get home but they had no choice.

They had taken this opportunity to carry out this simple service, a remembrance for those who had sacrificed themselves so others could live. Joker stepped forward and placed the name of Admiral David Anderson on the wall, his hand lingering as tears rolled down his cheeks. He too had been close to this man who had been his friend and mentor, the man who helped him to fly. He stepped back and looked at Kaidan.

Kaidan held the plaque in his hand, it felt cold, lifeless. He ran his fingers across the name, Commander Karra Shepard. When Steve had given it to him he had cringed, his stomach had turned and his heart had stopped. Everyone else had given up hope. Now he stood before the wall. If he put her name on that wall he was giving up to, he was admitting that she was gone. He couldn't do it. He turned to walk away.

'Fuck!' Joker cursed.

He was about to explain to Joker that he couldn't put her name on that wall, just as he couldn't put EDI up on the wall, not yet, but he realised the pilot was listening to his earpiece. Joker fiddled with his omnitool, looked at him wide eyed and a smile broke out on his face.

'SSV Normandy, this is Alliance Command, welcome home.' It was Admiral Hackett who welcomed them back, 'You have an all clear and Shepard is alive.'

Three words. Kaidan slumped against the wall and slid to the floor. Oddly it occurred to him how truly amazing it was that three words could change a person's life. Three words he had waited to hear. Tears rolled down his cheeks as around him the crew cheered, hugged, slapped each other on the back. He was lost in his own relief, she was alive. Joker slid down beside him and nudged his shoulder.

'You were right, you never gave up,' he pushed his cap backwards and met Kaidan's eyes. 'I'm happy for you.' He laughed but his eyes still held sadness, 'trust Shepard to tell the Reapers where to go and live through it. Man, you're gonna have your hands full.'

'Yeah, I am,' Kaidan chuckled and let it build into laughter. 'She's going to be hell to live with.' He realised the enormity of his words. They had a future, they could get married. They could be together, damn the regs, he was never leaving her again. He looked at the plaque still in his hands and snapped it in two, dropping the pieces to the floor. He was going home and Karra was waiting.

* * *

><p>A commotion outside her door made Karra look up from the datapad she was reading and she wondered who she was going to yell at this time. As much as she hated it frustration had made her lash out at those around her in the last two weeks. She had recovered faster than the doctors expected, something to do with whatever Miranda did to bring her back, and sitting in a hospital bed was driving her insane. She needed to be out there looking for the Normandy.<p>

Finally they had allowed her to get up, walking was still difficult and she had crutches and a wheelchair for when it became unbearable. She hated using them but she wanted the mobility so she did. Physiotherapy was agonising but she worked through it, the pain gave her something to concentrate on, keep her mind of other things. She had eventually convinced Admiral Hackett to give her something to do so he had her looking through reports, helping with the recovery on the Citadel and being the liaison with the other races she had brought to the Battle for Earth.

Word had leaked that she was alive and reporters swamped her omnitool with requests for interviews. She had turned it off in anger an hour ago but then realised that if Kaidan was alive he would contact her through it so she'd turned it back on. The incessant beeping had given her a headache but she checked every message anyway. The commotion outside had stopped and she looked up as Miranda walked in.

'Something going on?' Karra sighed and sat back.

'You're being moved,' Miranda was busy packing, a smile ghosting on her face.

'Miranda?' Karra stood pushed herself to her feet and tried to meet the other woman's eyes but Miranda turned away.

'Admiral Hackett has asked that you be moved to his ship, something about reporters, threats. I don't know, I'm just following orders.'

Karra frowned. Miranda was usually so straightforward but she seemed to be excited, jittery. Or was it disappointment, sadness? Karra's 'something's not right' bump was itching and she suddenly felt nervous.

'We have to do this quickly so I need you to get in your chair,' Miranda finally looked at her. 'Please, Shepard, I know you hate it but we need to move.'

'Okay,' Karra sat down, grabbed her datapads and accepted that something was going on she had no control over. While that disturbed her she trusted Miranda and Hackett to look out for her. They had become her ground crew during her recovery, she had to trust them.

Miranda placed her bag on her lap and wheeled her into the corridor where two marines stepped up to watch over them. Both saluted sharply and Karra returned her own as they headed towards the shuttle bay.

'Miranda, is it the Normandy?' She had to ask, even though she might not like the answer.

'Not sure,' Miranda answered too quickly. 'We'll find out shortly.'

Karra couldn't ever remember a shuttle ride taking so long. It was only a short distance to Hackett's ship from the Citadel but it felt like hours, days. Dread was building and she fought to control her nerves. It wasn't long before she was sitting in the observation lounge, the huge window providing the universe outside as a backdrop. Miranda stood looking out the window and Shepard noted the stiffness in her shoulders. She felt the ships engines come to life and watched as the stars outside began to move. They were underway. Why? She watched as they slipped into FTL

'Shepard, we've had news,' Admiral Hackett entered the room and came to stand beside her, he too seemed on edge, jittery. Karra was starting to wonder if everyone around her was afraid to give her bad news.

'The Normandy, sir?' Fear clenched its fingers around her stomach and she fought the urge to retch. Miranda moved beside her and took her hand, offering support and Karra gripped hard.

'Yes,' he turned to face her but his omnitool beeped so she waited as he responded. Finally he was done and he looked down at her before sitting down so he was on her level. 'Your crew is amazing, Shepard. What they've done, what you've done, every one of them deserves a medal and they'll damn well get one.' He sighed, took her hand and felt her trembling. 'We've found them.'

Tears formed but she fought them down. 'Admiral?'

'They were knocked out of system when the wave hit, the ship was damaged and they crash landed on some uncharted planet. Communication is intermittent, they don't have full systems operational but they are in flight. They are coming home.'

'My crew?' She held her breath, she had to know.

'No word on any casualties or injuries yet. Right now we're just trying to get them home.'

She nodded, as frustrating as it was she knew the protocols and procedures for a damaged ship. She felt Miranda squeeze her hand and she was glad she wasn't alone. Joker had to be alive, only he could pilot their ship under desperate conditions, without EDI's help. Guilt washed over her as she realised she would have to face him, tell him she was responsible for him losing her. Kaidan, he was alive, she knew it. He had to be, he was bringing her ship home, he was coming home. She forced down other thoughts, refused to let them in. He was alive, he had survived.

Admiral Hackett was talking to someone but she was lost in her own thoughts. It wasn't until she felt the ship drop out of FTL that she pulled herself back into the present. Hackett turned to her with a smile on his face and tears in his eyes.

'Shepard, thank you,' his voice was full of emotion and he nodded out the window.

Karra's breath stopped in her chest, her heart raced and her hands shook as the Admiral's ship came to a stop alongside a sleek, silver and blue shape and a docking lock slipped into place. The Normandy. She was home, she looked a little worse for wear but she was intact. Karra gasped for breath and her heart pounded as tears formed. Kaidan. He had to have survived but now the reality was about to hit her in the face and she hesitated.

'Let's go meet your crew,' Hackett took control of her chair and as they passed through the ship to the docking corridor crew members were cheering, saluting, laughing and crying. All of them happy for her and she was overwhelmed by the emotion. The Admiral brought her to a stop in the docking corridor, almost close enough to reach out and touch the hull of her ship, her home and she waited impatiently while the Normandy went through the docking cycle.

Karra wasn't sure she wanted the airlock to open, nerves were taking hold and she was physically shaking, she felt like she was about to throw up. But open it did. Karra sobbed as she struggled to her feet, rushing forward, stepping onto the Normandy. She felt her legs failing and she stumbled forward, reaching out.

Kaidan had no idea who would be on the other side of the airlock, he didn't care. He was here now he could find Karra. The airlock whooshed open and his eyes widened in disbelief. His heart pounded, his breath stopped and he choked on a sob. She was here. He registered the wheelchair as she struggled to her feet but then she was rushing towards him, her arms reaching for him as she stumbled.

He stepped forward and caught her in his arms, their momentum carrying them both to the floor and they sat wrapped around each other, crying, laughing and holding each other. Their lips crashed together then softened, their tears mingled as their hearts beat in time. Nothing around them mattered, the universe could have ended right then and they wouldn't have felt it. It didn't matter that they had an audience or that their audience was laughing and crying with them. All they needed, wanted, was each other. Eventually they pulled apart and their eyes met.

'About time you came home,' Karra whispered as she ran her fingers across his lips and cupped his face. 'I've been waiting for you. I love you Kaidan Alenko.'

'I love you Karra Shepard,' he brushed hair from her face and smiled. 'Are you going to marry me now?'

The smile that lit up her face and eyes was all he needed in answer and he leaned down and kissed her tenderly with all the love in his heart. Karra returned that kiss and her love without hesitation. This was where they belonged; this was worth fighting for; this was what they deserved.


	46. Epilogue Part 1

**A/N: Here it is, it became a two part epilogue as I wanted to wrap things up properly. This story can end with the last chapter, this epilogue is purely to wrap up loose ends, something I felt I needed after the original ending.**

**Sorry for the length but it took on a mind of its own and I ran with it. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

><p>Karra stared at the datapad in her hand and sighed. She dropped into the seat at her desk. Her legs still ached sometimes and she needed to rest them, she'd kept up the physio and slowly increased her daily exercise so she was almost back to normal, it was helping and the scars were healed but she still tired easily. But it wasn't just her physical aches that were frustrating her. Now that the war was over she had nothing but time to remember. Her last moment with Anderson still brought tears to her eyes. They had held a memorial, not just for Anderson but for everyone who died fighting the Reapers. Part of the rebuilding of London was to include a Garden of Remembrance where all races would be represented. Anderson had been given a full military funeral with honours but they had also held a private memorial for those who were closest to him.<p>

She had spoken to Joker and they had cried together for the loss of EDI, although neither had given up hope that they may still get her back. He had been hurt and lost but he had not resented her, he knew it was what EDI had wanted, if the choice had been reversed he would have sacrificed himself for her. Karra was glad she hadn't lost her best friend.

Kaidan had found his parents. His father had been injured but Kaidan had managed to get him transported to their home at the orchard where his mother was now taking care of him. They had been overjoyed to meet Karra and she genuinely felt loved as they welcomed her into their family.

For herself she was frustrated that she hadn't found the time to organise a wedding. Kaidan was his usual patient self, he didn't want to rush it, he wanted it to be something they would remember. She just wanted it to happen, damn, she just wanted lots of things to happen. She had some ideas about rebuilding the Alliance, the N program and a biotics program so she had spoken to Hackett about them and he had agreed in principle. Even though the Reapers had been defeated there were still threats out there and they needed a fighting force just in case. But that didn't help the races who had been stranded when the relays went down.

It was three months and the mass relays still weren't working. All attempts to understand them and start them up had failed and the tension among the marooned races was understandable, they wanted to go home. Food for the dextro based races was definitely going to become an issue soon, although the Quarians had taken on the responsibility for food production and had helped the Turians set up their own food ship. Supplies were limited but at least they had them. The Crucible was still attached to the Citadel and the engineers had been unable to release it. Getting the Citadel back to its original location was on the high priority list but there was no progress in that direction either.

The Geth ships were still dead in space and there had been no success getting EDI up and running. It was as if the technology was jammed. At least the Reaper ships were less of a problem. Without shields they could be destroyed, some had fallen towards Earth and disintegrated on re-entry. Most had been manoeuvred out beyond Luna and destroyed.

The Normandy crew had completed repairs and the refits had been completed, that was good news at least. There was plenty of salvageable material floating in orbit around Earth so crews were out collecting and reusing it for repairs, which was also helping with navigation. Earth was still suffering as food supplies dropped, but things were recovering slowly. The Citadel was looking better every day and everyone assumed that the Keepers were still doing their jobs. Karra sighed again and was about to head for the war room when an image appeared in her head. With a visible start she gasped before heading for the elevator.

'I have this strong need to be …' Kaidan was already inside.

'Let's go,' she nodded.

Minutes later they were in a shuttle, airborne and heading for the Citadel. Neither of them could explain why they had been called. Karra had a sense of familiarity about the whole thing but kept her thoughts to herself. As they made their way from the landing platform they met up with Admiral Hackett and the Asari and Turian Council members. All seemed confused, but they were also questioning and curious.

As they approached the Presidium they stopped and gasped at the changes. Where once had stood straight-sided walls now flowed curves, what had been plain now offered a muted collection of colour. In awed wonder they worked their way through the newly built Presidium tower to where the previous Council chamber had been. They walked into a domed room, a raised circular platform with a round table stood in the centre of the room with a place marked for the races that had taken part in the war and above their heads through the clear ceiling hung the galaxy they had fought to defend.

The Council members frowned but Karra chuckled and they all turned to face her. Before she could speak a Keeper appeared before them, it nodded lightly to Karra then looked individually at each member of the gathered group. Silence descended and the air around them seemed to thicken. As one they saw the Crucible and Citadel joined, they witnessed the wave that had destroyed the Reapers, the shutting down of the relays, the Geth, EDI. They saw the rescue and recovery of Earth and the Citadel, the unity of the races marooned but still working together, the peace that remained. The mess that was Earth where Turians were rescuing humans, Krogans were saving Salarians, humans were helping whoever needed it.

The vision changed. Images of Keepers, working, moving, rebuilding and rescuing the injured. The Crucible sat before them and a wave of white light bubbled out, but there was no threat in this wave, no need to flee. The mass relays appeared, slowly they came back to life, the familiar hum of the spinning hub was music to their ears. But it didn't stop there. There was an audible gasp as the Geth ships powered up. An image of the Normandy appeared and Karra felt tears building as she guessed what was coming. Instinctively she reached for Kaidan's hand and felt the strength in him as he closed his fingers around hers.

The image of EDI reaching for Joker's hand replayed then the current image of Joker appeared. He spun in his seat as if someone had called him and they watched as he stood, tears streaming down his face. They saw through his eyes as EDI walked towards him, not in the metal body they knew but as a human looking, skin covered woman with dark hair and green eyes, dressed in an Alliance uniform. She was beautiful. They watched as she touched Joker's face and he touched hers, the softness of her build evident in the depressions beneath his fingers. He ran his fingers across her lips before slowly leaning in to kiss her. Tears rolled down EDI's face as she closed her eyes and their lips met.

Karra felt her own tears and when she glanced at Kaidan he was fighting back his own. The image changed and they saw their own reunion through the eyes of those around them, the honesty and emotion overwhelmed them. Kaidan pulled her into his arms and held her tight. Other images appeared, Garrus and Tali, Liara and Traynor, numerous couples, different race couples, same race couples with one thing in common, a deep, all-consuming love for each other.

Finally they saw the Crucible disengage from the Citadel and fall into stable orbit around Earth. The Citadel still needed further repair before it could be moved but eventually they knew it would be back where it belonged. They saw the future as it could be, races working together, supporting each other, carrying on what had been started, what had come from the desperation of war. Then the Keeper was gone.

Noise returned as a flood of messages swamped omnitools and earpieces. The relays were working, the Geth were functioning. There were cheers and laughter, tears of joy and thankful praise. The small group inside the Council Chamber stood in stunned silence before smiles broke out and they came together as friends, allies and shared hugs, handshakes and tears. Karra stepped up onto the raised platform and ran her fingers along the edge of the huge round table. Surely they hadn't used her memories of her favourite story. She smiled as Kaidan came to stand beside her, his hand resting on hers.

'A round table,' he grinned, 'wonder where they got that idea.'

'Why a round table,' the Asari councillor seemed confused.

'Because there is no head, each person who sits at this table is an equal,' Karra wandered around the table and looked at the plaques, each indicating a specific race but she came to a stop before one in particular. The Geth Consensus. Legion would be proud. Next came the Krogan. The thought of a Krogan trying to headbutt other counsellors into submission made her chuckle. The Quarians, considered lower class by many but they had sacrificed themselves just as others had. They all deserved a place at this table.

'I can see the sense and practicality of that,' the Turian councillor nodded his head as he followed Karra around the table. He too stopped at the Geth seat and for a moment Karra thought he was going to protest, but he nodded and moved on.

'This is as it should be,' Hackett looked at those around him. 'Everyone of these races worked to bring down the Reapers, its only right they should be included in the rebuilding.'

Karra stopped before the seat reserved for the human representative. She thought of Anderson and realised he would have been the perfect candidate for the job, as much as he hated politics he was good at it. Who would fill this spot, who would want to? She looked at Hackett and he raised his eyebrows, silently asking her but she shook her head, when she returned the questioning stare he shook his head. He did however lead her eyes in another direction and she looked up into the eyes of the man she loved.

* * *

><p>Karra looked at the message from Admiral Hackett and smiled. He had accepted her recommendations, now she just had to make them work.<p>

'EDI, please ask Kaidan, James, Steve, Samantha and Joker to join me in the War Room, you'd better come too.'

She waited patiently for her crew to arrive and chuckled at the worried looks on their faces. Kaidan raised his eyebrows at her as he came to stand beside her and as if reading her mind he nodded and smiled.

'As you have all been permanently posted to the Normandy I wanted to advise you of some changes. Recently I put forward some suggestions to Admiral Hackett about rebuilding the Alliance forces and he has agreed with my proposal.' She looked at the faces before her, 'The Normandy is to become a mobile training vessel.'

'What?' Joker scowled, 'I thought we'd be heading back out into the galaxy to clean up what's left of Cerberus and the Reaper forces.'

'Lieutenant Commander: Flight Moreau, will you please let me finish.' She smiled as her words hit home. 'You will be instructing pilots in the practicalities of stealth systems and space warfare.'

'I… what… why?' Joker was actually lost for words.

'Because you're the best pilot in the galaxy,' Karra laughed. 'Don't worry, you'll be doing it all from the Normandy, just means you may have to hand over control every now and then.' She laughed again at his glare.'

'They'll have to be damn good before I hand over my baby,' he scowled and glanced at EDI.

'Way to go, Ace,' James punched him lightly in the arm.

'We will be a specialist training vessel, with the help of our latest N7 Lieutenant Commander James Vega, we will be a mobile N centre.'

James was gaping at her and Joker laughed. Steve shook James's hand as he pulled himself together and looked back to Karra.

'Lieutenant Commander Steve Cortez will take over training of small craft pilots and flight deck command.'

James and Joker guffawed at the shock on Steve's face. Karra was grinning as she watched her crew come to terms with the promotions they deserved.

'Major Alenko,' she looked up at him and he shrugged, 'who declined the offer to be humanities councillor, will be continuing to train Biotics Special Ops teams, working out of the Normandy. He also retains his Spectre status.'

'Lieutenant Commander EDI, as per your request to be recognised as part of the crew' she continued and met the questioning eyes of the AI. 'You will teach tech support and cyber-warfare, as well as serving as co-pilot.'

'Specialist Traynor, you will be given the rank of Lieutenant and remain as our communication specialist. You will be responsible for training upcoming com specialists.' Samantha opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it as she looked at Karra through moist eyes.

'All of these combined fields will be jointly working to clear out the remnants of Cerberus and any Reaper forces. We will also be incorporating Alien races in the ranks of the crew as a true representation of galactic unity.'

She looked at her crew with a smile. 'You all deserve these promotions and I am proud of every one of you.'

'You've left someone out,' Kaidan turned to look at her. 'Admiral Shepard, will be overseeing both N7 and Biotic teams. She can also teach upcoming officers about politics, peacekeeping and arguing the point, head butting Krogans, punching Admirals.' He laughed at the dark stare she gave him and everyone laughed with him. 'She also retains her Spectre status.'

'You've probably noticed the extra work going on,' she continued with a scowl. 'To accommodate the extra numbers on board, the Starboard cargo hold has been refitted as crew quarters and the Starboard observation deck has been refitted as Officer's quarters, with its own facilities. You'll still have to share but at least you'll have a bit more space. If you prefer your own space the Life Support room is available as is the hole underneath engineering.' She looked at her crew and smiled. 'Dismissed.'

As one they saluted smartly and left, all except Kaidan who wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hair.

'Things are going to get busy around here,' he sighed and met her eyes. 'Any chance of a wedding happening soon?'

'I hope so,' she kissed him lightly, 'I'd be happy to get someone on board and marry us in the mess at this point. If you have any ideas please make it happen.'

Kaidan chuckled, 'I'll see what I can do.'


	47. Epilogue Part 2

Commander Karra Shepard stretched slowly, luxuriating in the feel of her bed, the room around her and the sense of home. Slowly she rolled over and opened her eyes to find a pair of amber eyes looking back at her. She loved those eyes, the face that surrounded them, the man they belonged to. Her heart pounded as he smiled at her.

'Hey,' he whispered huskily.

'Hey yourself,' she grinned and ran her hand across his chest. He shivered in response and she laughed.

'Do I amuse you?' he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in closer.

'Oh, in so many ways,' the sultry tone of her voice made him moan and she grinned as she kissed her way down his neck.

'I'll try to be more serious then,' he gripped her hips and rolled so he was pinning her to the bed. 'Should I start here?' He ran his tongue down her neck and repeated it with his lips. 'Or maybe here?' He traced a line of kisses down her breast and nipped at her nipple and she couldn't stop the moan that escaped as his warm mouth enveloped her and his tongue made her feel like she was on fire.

'Maybe,' he kissed his way lower, 'here,' his tongue and lips worked their way across her hips, 'or here,' he kissed the inside of her thighs and she instinctively raised her hips. 'Or here,' he whispered as he sucked the bundle of nerves that forced her hips even higher as she gripped the sheets. 'What about here?' He flicked his tongue into her and she moaned in pure delight as he lovingly brought her to the edge.

'Kaidan,' she moaned and reached for his hands, pulling him up and finding his lips.

'Or is this serious enough for you,' he groaned as he slipped into her, slowly increasing the pace, feeling her tumble over the edge and him following.

'We need to get up,' Karra sounded too sleepy to be convincing as she lay against his chest.

'Yeah, guess we should,' Kaidan chuckled.

'Commander, sorry to intrude, but we'll be at Rannoch in an hour.' Joker almost sounded contrite for breaking their solitude. 'So you'd better tell Alenko to make it a quickie.' There was a chuckle before the com flicked off.

Forty minutes later they both stood behind Joker, their hands resting on the back of his chair, fingers almost touching. They agreed to remain professional when on duty and mostly it worked. Karra hooked her little finger through Kaidans and he grinned. Mostly.

They watched Rannock grow larger before them. This had been one of the biggest milestones in their war against the Reapers, they'd stopped a three hundred year old war and united two races determined to destroy each other. And now they were back at the request of the Quarian and Geth ruling body.

'Ready to be recognised as a legend, Commander?' Joker chuckled and Karra flicked his hat.

As much as she hated pomp and ceremony she had agreed to attend the opening of a memorial, part of which included her and the part she played in the growth of this world. Karra just wanted to get married, she would have been happy to find a quiet beach somewhere with a few close friends. But right now they were about to be welcomed as heroes.

'Just get us on the ground, Joker,' she grimaced and went to make sure she was presentable.

'Shepard,' Tali was waiting when the hangar ramp opened. 'Glad you could come.'

Karra was stunned. Tali wasn't wearing her mask and those piercing eyes she seen through the visor were hypnotic, almost crystal in nature. But it wasn't just the eyes, Tali was beautiful, she actually had hair, long dark silken hair that shone brilliantly. She was dressed in a light blue dress that hugged her almost like a bodysuit but flowed like water with every move.

'Bit of a shock, isn't it,' Garrus chuckled as he came up behind her and pulled her into a hug. 'It's great to see you Shepard.'

'Garrus, I thought you were on Palaven.' Karra returned the hug then moved aside so Kaidan could say hello.

'I was,' Garrus sighed, 'still a lot to do there but I wouldn't miss this for the world. Besides, I can't go upsetting Tali, she's murder when she's angry.' Tali swatted him playfully and he feigned injury. He nodded at Kaidan, 'Let's leave the girls to catch up.' Kaidan smiled at Karra and followed Garrus.

'Tali, what happens now?' Tali just laughed and dragged her towards a prefab shelter and led her inside.

'We have a gift for you,' she picked up a box and handed it to her, 'open it.'

Karra opened the box to find a dress folded inside. She lifted it out gently, the fabric flowing like water as she held it up.

'Try it on,' Tali urged.

Karra obliged. She turned to look at herself in a mirror and sucked in a breath. The bodice was strapless and low cut in the back with soft fabric draped over one shoulder and across the bodice to a fitted waist, the lower half of the dress fell softly around her hips to the floor. But it wasn't the style that took her breath away, it was the fabric. There was a layer of soft, white with multiple overlays of blue ranging from a pale blue to a dark blue that shimmered and glistened as it caught the light. She realised they were Alliance colours. It was cut higher at the front so her ankles were visible with the back pooling around her feet. The fabric was so light and soft, the shimmering layers made her look like she was standing in the centre of a waterfall with the water cascading around her. It was stunning.

'Shepard,' Tali gasped, even she was stunned by the vision of beauty standing before her. As if suddenly remembering she pulled another box from a table and pulled out a pair of shoes, strappy with a low heel, again with varying shades of blue.

Karra looked at the vision in the mirror and couldn't believe she was looking at herself. Tali took a brush to her hair then threaded a chain of silver and blue into her hair, braiding it through and creating a tiara of sorts.

'Tali, this is beautiful,' Karra hugged her friend. 'Thank you. Where did you get this?'

'You forget, we Quarians can find anything we need. We have another gift for you,' Tali said softly and led her outside.

Steve turned as she stepped through the door, 'Holy shit,' he gasped.

'Steve?' Karra looked at him through guarded eyes. He was dressed in full uniform and damn he was a handsome man. That didn't stop her from looking at him in confusion.

'Commander,' Steve held out his arm so she could take it. 'I believe I'm your escort.'

Tali giggled and rushed away, disappearing around the corner of the prefab. Steve slowly led her in the same direction a smile on his face and a shake in his arm. As they rounded the prefab Karra was stunned to see Tali, Liara and EDI, all dressed in the same blue dresses, waiting for her.

She looked up to see the Normandy crew, Admiral Hackett, Kaidan's parents, Grunt, Wrex and Bakara, Quarians and Geth were standing either side of an aisle. Beyond that was a structure that on Earth probably would have been called a pagoda but it was built from Geth metals with Quarian fabrics draped around it, a perfect melding of two races. It was beautiful. Running out on either side was a low wall with holographic images spaced evenly along it, one of which was the image of her and Legion when they had first met. She remembered that image from when she was inside the Geth Collective. There was an image of the Normandy and her crew, other images of Quarian and Geth together. Karra was overwhelmed by the beauty of it all and she fought to hold back tears.

Steve chuckled as she tensed on his arm, 'relax Commander.' He kissed her lightly on the cheek then passed her arm to James who was also in full dress uniform.

What was it about a man in uniform, Karra thought as she leant on his arm and they followed the girls. As she looked down the aisle she almost stumbled. Kaidan was standing there, gaping at her, his eyes shining. He too was in full dress uniform and she felt her breath catch in her throat, he was a gorgeous man and he was all hers. She realised now what was happening and she smiled. She saw him gasp and beside him Garrus chuckled and nudged him gently.

'Wouldn't look good if you passed out,' Garrus whispered and Kaidan grinned as he took in the vision of beauty walking towards him, his heart was racing and threatening to break out of his chest as he realised that after today she would be his forever.

'Hot damn, Lola, you brush up well,' James chuckled, raised her hand to his lips and kissed it softly as he handed her over to Joker who looked more than handsome in his dress blues and no cap.

'Shepard,' Joker met her eyes, 'you are beautiful, Alenko is a lucky man.' He pulled her in for a hug and there were tears in his eyes when he pulled back. He grinned as she took his arm and he walked her down the aisle and handed her over to Kaidan.

Their eyes met as they took each other's hands, both with unshed tears and pure love shining out. They were both shaking and their breathing was erratic as they turned to face Admiral Raan who had stepped up before them.

'Today is a momentous occasion for two reasons. We celebrate the end of wars and dedicate this spot in memory of those who survived and those who died. On this spot history was changed and the future of both Quarian and Geth assured. When Major Alenko asked to have his and Commander Shepard's wedding on this spot we were honoured and grateful for the opportunity.

As a Fleet Admiral I have the authority to perform marriage ceremonies and today it gives me great joy and I am extremely privileged to bring together two people who love each other more than life itself. They have come through fire, death and separation but stand here today to become one, to swear their eternal love for each other and to walk into the future together. As is the human custom their vows will be heard.'

Karra had a moment of panic as she realised she would have to speak but it quickly passed as Kaidan met her eyes and began speaking, his husky voice sending shivers down her spine.

'Commander Karra Shepard,' he began and grinned when she raised her eyebrows at the use of her full title. 'You are a warrior, a leader and someone I would follow into hell without question.' He smiled and blinked, fighting back tears, 'Shepard, you are my best friend, with you at my side I can take on the universe,' his grip on her fingers tightened and she couldn't stop the tear that rolled down her cheek. 'Karra, you are my heart, you claimed it the very first time I saw you and I have never wanted it back. I love you with every inch of my being, I want to spend the rest of my life in your arms.' He turned to Garrus who handed him a ring that he slipped onto her finger, 'I give myself to you as a man, as a friend and as a lover, I love you Karra Shepard, from now until the end of time.'

Karra stared at the ring, it was a striped band of multiple colours that rippled as they caught the light, it was beautiful. She realised that he was waiting for her to speak and she smiled as she met his eyes.

'Kaidan,' she paused and trembled, she had thought about this and wanted him to know what was in her heart. 'I remember the first time I saw your smile and the way your beautiful eyes shone, I lost my heart to that smile and those eyes, I drowned in them and I never want to come up for air. You've had my back in battle, you've been my friend when I needed reassurance, you've been my support, my soft place to land,' he grinned at that as a tear rolled down his cheek. She took the matching ring from Garrus and slipped it onto his finger, 'I give myself to you, my heart, my soul, my body. I love you Kaidan Alenko, from now until the end of time.'

'May the promises made here today stand the test of time, may you continue on into the future together, may your dreams come true.' Admiral Raan smiled. 'I believe it's customary to kiss the bride,'

Kaidan cupped her face as she raised her hand to his and their lips met tenderly, slowly deepening as they accepted each other's vows. As if the gods had heard them their rings caught the suns rays and rainbows danced around them, enveloping them in an aura of light.

'Keelah se'lai,' the Quarians whispered. Everyone else simply gasped at the beauty and magic of it all.

'I love you Mrs Alenko,' Kaidan smiled as they separated.

'I love you Mr Alenko,' Karra grinned then laughed as cheering broke out around them and they were swept away by those around them.

* * *

><p>Karra stood on the cliff edge and remembered when Tali had picked out this spot for her window. The light caught her ring and she fingered it lovingly. Steve had made them at Kaidan's request from pieces of their past. There was sliver from Kaidan's armour and one from Shepards, there was a sliver from the original Normandy and a piece from the current Normandy, all melded together to create something beautiful. The piece of the SR-1 was surprising, Kaidan had been to visit the site after she'd placed the monument, looking for closure.<p>

'Happy?' Kaidan slid his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck.

'Extremely,' she relaxed into his embrace. 'I don't know how you managed to keep this secret, especially with Joker knowing.'

'I threatened to ground him if he told, which didn't have much effect until EDI backed me up.' Kaidan chuckled as Karra turned in his arms. 'I know we wanted something special and a little private, but this seemed like the perfect opportunity. Something to remember.'

'This was perfect,' she smiled and pulled him into a kiss.

'Guess we'd better get back to our guests,' Kaidan pulled back reluctantly.

'Guess so,' she laughed at his grimace and they turned to re-join the celebration.

They stopped as one and looked at the group before them, Garrus, Tali, Liara, Steve, Joker, James, Dr Chakwas, and EDI were standing together watching with smiles that would light the night sky. With a laugh Karra and Kaidan stepped forward into the waiting arms of their family.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: And so it ends. Thank you for reading, reviewing and enjoying. It might not be how everyone saw the story but as the song says - 'I did it my way.'**


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